Christmas Shopping

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.

"Great," she said.

I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.

"I don’t want this box," she said abruptly. "It’s been opened."

  • A Phonetic Phail

    Scene: I’m on the phone with 
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    A Puzzling Questionnaire

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    A Letter to The Editor… Then Another One

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    “What’s Good Tonight?”

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    Dumb Clients: A Different Color

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    Smart-Asses Work in Restaurants, Too

    I phoned a local restaurant to 
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    Real Excuses Tenants Gave for Not Paying Rent

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    Worst Insurance Claims Ever

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    Sgt. Nimrod

    I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base…

    Chik-fail-A

    Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A…

    Wrong Store, Buddy

    Scene: Inside a Best Buy store. Customer: Can you help me?…

    No-sense Sensor

    A military base commander called to complain that the…

    Actually, I'm a Time Traveler

    When I bought beer at the 
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    What are My Options?

    Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone. Me: Siri, call…

    Airport Insecurity

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    No—I Prefer to Push

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    Sharknado Truthers

    Scene: A secondhand movie 
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    Taken For a Ride

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    Come Again, Eh?

    Scene: My client telling me what was required for the…

    "Oh, and It Doesn't Have Arms or Legs."

    A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife…

    IT’S CLASSIFIED

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    The Scale of The Situation

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    Department of Manic Voices

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    Yo Quiero a Clean Criminal Record

    Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring…

    Urine Trouble Now

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    Sweet and LOL

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    Bad Soup

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    Barbershop Blunders

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    How Many Telemarketers…

    Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a…

    Store Hours Are Never

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    Did You Feel It?

    I discovered that I’d spent an hour walking around a mall…

    The Only Qualification…

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    Alphabet Soup or Salad?

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    Photographic Evidence

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    Fax To The Future

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    Bitter? No!

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    Business Signs of The Times:

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    There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These:

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    New From the China National Tourism Administration…

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    Every Time I Say That…

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    Coversation With A Customer-Service Representative:

    Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is…

    The Dead Man And The Cobbler…

    While going through his 
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    Read The Fine Print

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    Idiot of The Month

    I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant…

    Misdirection

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    Sales Opportunity

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    Proper Pronunciation

    I bought a pint of  Häagen-Dazs ice cream at the…

    Fitness Questionnaire

    My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review…

    Drive-Thru

    I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru. There were no…