Man’s Best Friend

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

—Groucho Marx

  • Category: Funny Quotes

    Rita Rudner on Math and Marriage

    I’ve never been good with math, 
but I accepted it from…

    Larry Miller on Prayer in School

    As long as there is algebra, there will be prayer in…

    Dennis Miller on Train Travel

    Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines…

    Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial

    There’s no “I” in denial. Peter Serafinowicz…

    A Tough Question, by Jay Leno

    How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins…

    A Tough Question, by Jon Stewart

    If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the…

    A Tough Question, by Jerry Seinfeld

    What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?…

    A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis

    At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a…

    A Tough Question, by George Carlin

    What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal…

    Hotel Time-Travel

    A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and…

    Maggie Smith on Annoying People

    There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t…

    Stephen Colbert on Internships

    Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience…

    Fractured Fairy Tales

    • There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her…

    The Meaning of War

    Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us…

    Sarah Silverman on Cleaning House

    My kitchen floor is sticky, and 
I had to do something…

    Zach Galifianakis on Laundry

    You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off…

    Megan Amram on Mystery

    Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it…

    Hedberg on Highlights

    I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands…

    Airport Insecurity

    The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the…

    Notable Never-isms

    • Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too…