When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. "That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’ " he said. "And based on that, considering we’ve been married 23 years, she’d hand me a bill for $798,000."
I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
@FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)