The Airborne Obnoxious Event

“Ohhh, bless you … Bless you … Riiiight. Because you’re special air.”     —A burp to a sneeze

Comedian Andrew Hibbard

  • Category: One-Liners

    Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?

    A: I hear invoices! Stephen Pickering, Marshall, Michigan…

    Insulation Discrimination

    Anyone who says the sexes 
were created equal hasn’t…

    Wendy Liebman on School Reunions

    I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. 
I didn’t…

    Rita Rudner on Math and Marriage

    I’ve never been good with math, 
but I accepted it from…

    Larry Miller on Prayer in School

    As long as there is algebra, there will be prayer in…

    Mike Vecchione on Detective School

    [I enrolled in] a private-detective school online, and I…

    Kate Mason on Useful Education

    Nothing I learned in school prepared me for life. My first…

    Craig Anton on Dreaming Big

    I want to take one 
of those English as 
a second…

    A Shallow Donation

    A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward…

    The Job You Want

    My style is “dress for the job 
you want,” and the…

    Kristen Carney on Instagram Etiquette

    “I can’t wait until your vacation is over.”…

    Kevin Nealon on Airplanes

    I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were…

    Kumail Nanjiani on Coney Island

    The Coney Island Cyclone is one of the oldest roller…

    Dennis Miller on Train Travel

    Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines…

    Steven Wright on Tourism

    I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them…

    Lew Schneider on Sunblock

    We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach…

    Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial

    There’s no “I” in denial. Peter Serafinowicz…

    Matt Wohlfarth, on Nostalgia

    I admit that I live in the past, 
but only because…

    A Tough Question, by Jay Leno

    How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins…

    A Tough Question, by Bill Bailey

    Nostalgia: How long’s that been around? Bill Bailey…

    A Tough Question, by Betsy Salkind

    Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day…

    A Tough Question, by Jon Stewart

    If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the…

    A Tough Question, by Jerry Seinfeld

    What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?…

    A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis

    At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a…

    A Tough Question, by George Carlin

    What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal…

    Ahead of the Competition

    My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44…

    A Brow Beating

    I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing…

    And That's The Way it is

    Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story…

    Ken Jennings on Dog Walkers

    My favorite game  is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy…

    Hotel Time-Travel

    A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and…

    Maggie Smith on Annoying People

    There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t…

    Stephen Colbert on Internships

    Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience…

    The Weirdest Summer Job Ever

    Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid…

    Demetri Martin's Summer Plans

    This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal…

    My First Job…

    I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was…

    Fractured Fairy Tales

    • There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her…

    The Meaning of War

    Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us…

    Thanks, MapQuest

    MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number…

    Misfortune Cookie

    After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked…

    The Funniest Person in The World

    The Laugh Factory in Los 
Angeles invited comedians from…

    Matthew Wohlfarth on Exercise

    I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter. Submitted by…

    Zen Koans for the Internet Age

    • If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still…

    Dog on The Job

    Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance…

    Jimmy Fallon on ISIS

    The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be…

    Watch Your Sodium

    I’m at the age where I can’t take anything with a grain…

    What Febreze Really Means

    Febreze air fresheners: for people who are like, “Cover a…

    Sarah Silverman on Cleaning House

    My kitchen floor is sticky, and 
I had to do something…

    The Mark of Good Cleaning

    Oh man, just did some serious cleaning in here. You could…

    Zach Galifianakis on Laundry

    You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off…

    Dating a Hoarder

    I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That…