The Limits of Technology

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

—Emo Philips

  • Categories: Funny Quotes, One-Liners

    Rita Rudner on Math and Marriage

    I’ve never been good with math, 
but I accepted it from…

    Larry Miller on Prayer in School

    As long as there is algebra, there will be prayer in…

    Dennis Miller on Train Travel

    Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines…

    Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial

    There’s no “I” in denial. Peter Serafinowicz…

    A Tough Question, by Jay Leno

    How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins…

    A Tough Question, by Jon Stewart

    If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the…

    A Tough Question, by Jerry Seinfeld

    What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?…

    A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis

    At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a…

    A Tough Question, by George Carlin

    What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal…

    Hotel Time-Travel

    A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and…

    Maggie Smith on Annoying People

    There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t…

    Stephen Colbert on Internships

    Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience…

    Fractured Fairy Tales

    • There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her…

    The Meaning of War

    Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us…

    Sarah Silverman on Cleaning House

    My kitchen floor is sticky, and 
I had to do something…

    Zach Galifianakis on Laundry

    You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off…

    Megan Amram on Mystery

    Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it…

    Hedberg on Highlights

    I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands…

    Airport Insecurity

    The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the…

    Notable Never-isms

    • Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too…

    Mazel Tov, Mary!

    Christmas is a baby shower that 
went totally…

    Christmas Freedom

    The holiday 
season:
a deeply religious 
time that…

    Insulting Santa

    This mall 
Santa seems insulted that I put down that…

    Say it With Your Pants

    Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama…

    Or Maybe While Breakdancing

    The worst time to have a heart 
attack is during a game…

    A Colorful Diet

    My parents used to stuff 
me with candy when I was a kid…

    You Are What Your Eat

    I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them…

    I'm a Busy Ghost, People

    People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What…

    A Fun-Size Quibble

    When it comes 
to candy bars, the term fun-sized 
is…

    A Thanksgiving Problem

    When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my…

    A Watched Pot Never Boils…

    A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid. Lesley…

    If Truth Be Beauty…

    If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in…

    If You Can't Beat 'Em…

    If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them beaten…

    Where There's A Will…

    Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. Ricky Gervais…

    A Method to His Mitchness

    The late comedian Mitch 
Hedberg said that he would write…

    Psyched Out

    I spent four years in 
college. I didn’t learn 
a…

    Honestly Kind of Fugly Abe

    If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham…

    Speak Softly, Kick Gently

    If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for…

    Five-Finger Flip-Flop

    Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my 
economists…

    Wake The Prez

    I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a…

    Right to Ignore

    Being president is like 
running a cemetery: You’ve got…

    Portable Primping

    People always ask me how long 
it takes to do my hair. I…

    Camera Nostalgia

    One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said…

    When I Was a Boy of 14…

    When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could…

    Father’s Day is Important Because…

    Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day…

    I Gave My Father $100…

    I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something…

    The Burn of Solitude

    I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put…

    Cats Are Smarter

    Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats…

    How Lazy is He???

    I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He…

    A Dog is More Than A Friend

    My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped…