Animal Jokes

Me and the wife [singer Katy Perry] have three cats, and they get whatever they want. We can only know what they want from what we speculate, so it’s a lot of vests, hats, and cat shoes.

When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father. "How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked. Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers…

I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself.

Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams "I'm a star!" Like these actual pet names … Cats Cleocatra Bing Clawsby Chairman Meow Alexander the Grey Dogs Mary-Louise…

A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off, and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, "Where's my scotch? Give me my…

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out. "Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there's no answer from the box…

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat. "A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music…

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. "My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to…

Overheard at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney's Animal Kingdom park: a confused woman complaining to her friend, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing…

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.