“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
From A Prairie Home Companion
Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”
The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”
An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
At an all-you-can-eat buffet, my nine-year-old was excited to find a chocolate milk machine. But her aunt did not approve. “Chocolate milk for dinner?” she asked.
“It’s delicious!” said my daughter.
Her aunt shrugged. “Well, its 8 a.m. somewhere.”
Nichole Vikdal, Yucca Valley, California
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”
This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.
Doctor Jones likes to stop at a bar after work and enjoy an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead. The doctor takes a sip and says, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” And Dick says, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, “Beer, please, and one for the road.”
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, “OK, but I don’t want you starting anything in here.”
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him to get out. The mushroom says, “Why? I’m a fun-guy.”
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ……………. and some of those peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”
Several fonts walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type here.”
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint, please.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re out of your head.”
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”
The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”
A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”
The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug.
The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then sips the new one.
The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest.
It’s now the cheapskate’s turn: He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, “Spit it out! Spit it out!”
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” and the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”
A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for
The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”
Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”
“No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”
A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside: "Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising."
Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."
Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn’t wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.
"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar."
"Really?" said his mother, surprised.
"What do they do if it starts to rain?"
A drunk walks into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.
"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"
"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."
"Oh, I’m sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.
The drunk stares at it. "Got one that’s been refrigerated?"
Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads "Be safe: Don’t drink and drive. But please still drink."
A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born."
This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I’m going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
Do you serve ladies at this bar?
No, sir, you have to supply your own.
Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.
"Blood," orders the first vampire.
"Make it two," says the second.
The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"
"Plasma," says the vampire.
"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."
A sign on Washington’s Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police car with lights flashing, reads
"If you drink and drive, we’ll provide the chasers."
One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work, when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don’t look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And he’s got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
"I’m sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"