Bar Jokes
Be the life of the party with these funny bar jokes.
Bartender, give me another. These “walks into a bar” jokes and funny bar jokes go down smooth! Our bar jokes come neat, on the rocks or with a twist.
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High Bills
His Cup Runneth Over
A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
—friarsclub.com
$10 Cure
Does She Look Good Yet?
A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out his wallet and looks at a picture of his wife. He did this several times, finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife. The guy says as soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.
Chicken in Motion
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because he was poultry in motion.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because he was poultry in motion.
The Thirsty Weasel
Keywords are Everywhere
It Ain’t Duff.
Served In A Chilled, Wooly Mug.
Johann Sebastian Barkeep
CVS Bar & Grill
An Old Guy Walks Into…
A Lizard Walks Into…
Fishing For Whiskey
Adding Insult to Introduction
Infinitely Many Mathematicians…
An Amnesiac Walks Into…
Gimme a White Russian, Hold The Russian.
You Look so Familiar…
A Penguin Walks Into…
A Panda Walks Into…
A Horse Walks Into…
Two Men Walk Into…
Two Cartons of Yogurt…
This Cowboy Walks Into…
The Past, Present and Future…
This Dyslexic Guy…
Doctor Jones’ Daiquiri
Charles Dickens Walks Into…
A Man Walks Into…
A Pair of Jumper Cables…
A Mushroom Walks Into…
A Guy Walks Into…
A Bear Walks Into…
A Group of Fonts
A Grasshopper Hops Into…
A Brain Goes Into…
A Frenchman Walks Into…
A Dog Goes Into…
A millionaire, a hard hat, and a cheapskate
Quite a Crowd
So a Dog Walks Into…
A Pork Chop Goes Into…
A Pig Walks Into a Bar…
A Classic Rivalry
Bar Signs
Drinking Buddies
"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."
Topless Bar
"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar."
"Really?" said his mother, surprised.
"What do they do if it starts to rain?"
An Excellent Vintage
"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"
"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."
"Oh, I’m sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.
The drunk stares at it. "Got one that’s been refrigerated?"
Being Reasonable
Good Answer
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."
Duck in a Bar
This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
At the Bar
No, sir, you have to supply your own.
No, sir, you have to supply your own.
Bar Order
"Blood," orders the first vampire.
"Make it two," says the second.
The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"
"Plasma," says the vampire.
"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I've got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."
Drinking Catchers
"If you drink and drive, we'll provide the chasers."
"If you drink and drive, we'll provide the chasers."
Pucker Up
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."
Case Study
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"