Corny Jokes

Groaning is the best medicine, as you'll find out fast with this collection of funny, corny jokes.

Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?

A: I hear invoices! Stephen Pickering, Marshall, Michigan

Mike Vecchione on Detective School

[I enrolled in] a private-detective school online, and I…

I Like My Men Like I Like My …

Sweatpants—Warm. Resilient. 
Covered in cookie crumbs…

The Wrong Side of History

After arriving late to the 
Tower of London and to…

A Cut Above

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to…

A Shallow Donation

A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward…

How to Make an Impression at Your Next Meeting

• Translate percentages into 
fractions: If someone…

The Subway Sign Pun-Off

A London commuter hurrying to a job interview pushed and…

Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial

There’s no “I” in denial. Peter Serafinowicz

A Tough Question, by Bill Bailey

Nostalgia: How long’s that been around? Bill Bailey

A Tough Question, by Betsy Salkind

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day…

A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a…

Famous Quotes (With More 
Appropriate Authors)

• “Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and…

Ahead of the Competition

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44…

Why Did The Chicken Go to…

Q: Why did the chicken go to the 
séance? A: To get to…

Parenting, the Dad-Joke Way

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting…

The Worst Streets in America

We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like…

What's the Plural of Mongoose?

A zookeeper is ordering new 
animals. As he fills out the…

Matthew Wohlfarth on Exercise

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter. Submitted by…

Zen Koans for the Internet Age

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still…

The Star of Cake Boss Was Arrested…

The star of Cake Boss was 
arrested for DWI. Police…

Two Men Are Out Ice Fishing…

Two men have been ice fishing 
all day. One has had no…

Hedberg on Highlights

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands…

If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites

I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being…

Steer Clear of this Joke

A farmer counted 196 cows in 
the field. But when he…

A Step in the Wrong Direction

On an icy, bitter-cold day, Hank visited Lou. “I had a…

Over-the-Hill Band Names

Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll…

Worst First Sentence

The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely…

Dad Jokes from Granddad

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When…

You Get What You Pay For

Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It…

Eve's Online Dating Profile

Eve Sex: Female Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented…

Warning Labels We can Really Use:

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re…

How do You Drown a Hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream. Submitted by Jesse Rehn…

It's A Small World…

I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really…

How Many Tech-Support People…

Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a…

How Many Economists…

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light-bulb?…

How Many Teenagers…

Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a…

How Many Telemarketers…

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a…

Redneck Movie Quotes

Famous film quotes get the 
redneck treatment: • “You…

The Other Mortal Coils

I told the kids I never want to 
live in a vegetative…

Names For Groups You Never Knew

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we…

Wax On, Mouth Off

Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy…

Control Freak

Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Control Freak. Con—…

Catch and Retweet

Give a man a fish, and he’ll 
Instagram it; teach a man…

Popular NSA Pick-Up Lines

“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking…

I Invented a New Word:

plagiarism. Submitted by M. R.

Drumming Up A Reason

A man vacations on a tropical 
island, and the first…

The Device Too Big To Fail

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it…

Zero Sum Puns

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all…