Corny Jokes

Newest Jokes

A Long-Winded Limerick

A crafty young bard named McMahon,

Whose poetry never would scan,

Once said, with a pause,

“It’s probably because

I’m always trying to cram as 
many extra syllables into the 
last line as I possibly can.”


Famous Quotes (With More 
Appropriate Authors)

• “Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting, Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing.”    —Paula Deen

• “Hell hath no fury like a woman 
scorned.”    —Taylor Swift

• “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”    —Christian Grey


Parenting, the Dad-Joke Way

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”

I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.

@trmiller1326, from

The Worst Streets in America

We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist):

• Drinkand Dr.

• Vicious Circle

• West 943,185th Street

• Psycho Path

• Peoples Ct.

• Nofriggin Way


What's the Plural of Mongoose?

A zookeeper is ordering new 
animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

Submitted by M. S., via Internet

Two Men Are Out Ice Fishing…

Two men have been ice fishing 
all day. One has had no luck, while the other has pulled out a ton of fish.

“What’s your secret?” asks the 
unlucky fisherman.

“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply.

“I’m sorry; what did you say?”

“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm.”

“I still didn’t understand you.”

The lucky fisherman spits something into his hand and says slowly and clearly, “You’ve got to keep your worms warm.”

If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites

I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God

II. At the Beginning He Had 
Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods

III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?

IV. How I Work: Read This 
Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator

V. She Admitted to Doing 
What Every Sunday?

VI. Seven Morning Habits of 
People Holier than You: 
#7 No Killing Before Lunch

VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses

VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants

IX. This Little Girl Bore False 
Witness, and the Results Will Shock You

X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her

From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency,

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