Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night, day.
Humorist Tom Parry
Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night, day.
Humorist Tom Parry
Q: What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:
• Free Schmuelly
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:
• Grimm Scarytales
• Pain Eyre
• Pippi Longstompings
I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
I’m trying to get into classical music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016!
Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser.
Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.
Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.
Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to a text.
Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.
Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Seen on reddit.com
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two police officers and a psychiatrist.
Submitted by Nancy L. Clark, Points, West Virginia
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
Submitted by Norie Bloom, Honolulu, Hawaii
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.
@ceejoyner (Chris Joyner)
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
Submitted by Paul Stewart, Richmond, Utah
A crafty young bard named McMahon,
Whose poetry never would scan,
Once said, with a pause,
“It’s probably because
I’m always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
There’s no “I” in denial.
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
• “Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting, Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing.” —Paula Deen
• “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” —Taylor… Read More
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Q: Why did the chicken go to the séance?
A: To get to the other side.
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever… Read More
We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist):
• Drinkand Dr.
• Vicious Circle
• West 943,185th Street
• Psycho Path
• Peoples Ct… Read More
A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at… Read More
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
• What is the sound of no hands texting?
• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
• To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
The star of Cake Boss was arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
Comedian Joe Toplyn
Two men have been ice fishing all day. One has had no luck, while the other has pulled out a ton of fish.
“What’s your secret?” asks the unlucky fisherman.
“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply.
“I’m sorry; … Read More
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God
II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods
III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?
IV. How I … Read More
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
On an icy, bitter-cold day, Hank visited Lou. “I had a rough time getting here,” said Hank. “For every step forward, I slipped back two.”
“If you slid back two steps for every one you took forward, how’d you get here?” … Read More
Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians:
• Counting Crows Feet
• Nine Inch Toenails
• Hair Supply
• Minivan Morrison
• The Early Byrds
From Dave Pell of nextdraft.com, on medium.com
The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh:
“Finally, after 97 long days adrift, Captain … Read More
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your … Read More
Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.
Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old
Location: Over by some ferns
Height: A tall vine
Weight: A bunch of sticks
Body Type: Only female type there is
Favorite … Read More
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”
Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”
Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”
Match.com: “Contents… Read More
Throw him into the mainstream.
Submitted by Jesse Rehn, Green Bay, Wisconsin
I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb you have? OK. There could be four or five things wrong. Now, have you turned the light… Read More
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None. If the light-bulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.
Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb?
Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one, but she has to do it while you’re eating dinner.
Famous film quotes get the redneck treatment:
• “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’”
• “Use the horse, Luke.”
• “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!”
• “Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to… Read More
I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.
Submitted by Beverly McLaughlin, Burnsville, Minnesota
A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups:
• A brat of boys
• A giggle of girls
• A stagger of drunks
• A tedium of accountants
• A stitch of doctors
• A whine of losers
• A jerk … Read More
Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts.
Comedian Myq Kaplan
Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
Give a man a fish, and he’ll Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.
“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”
“I’d tap that.”
“I know exactly where you have been all my life.”
Submitted by M. R.
A man vacations on a tropical island, and the first thing he hears is drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager… Read More
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.
Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
A hiker stumbles upon a golden lamp in the forest. He rubs it, and out pops a real-life genie.
“In return for freeing me,” says the genie, “I will grant you three wishes.”
“I want a million more wishes,” the hiker says … Read More
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
In math: Two divided by nothing.
In physics: The contraction of the mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned.
In economics: A thing for which the demand is … Read More
Q: Where do geeks go for a good time?
A: A wonky-tonk.
Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas
Hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It’s two gross.
Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?
A: Because of all the natural logs.
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” … Read More
Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A: A roamin’ numeral.
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An Algorithm
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
A: Because you should never drink and derive.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A: a receding hare-line.
What do you call a dumb carnivore? A meathead.
How many carnivores does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to stay in the dark.
How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t know… Read More
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to seitan.
Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.
T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH
• Star of Gravity (Newton)
• You say potato, I say __ (carbsmakemefat)
• Turned water into wine (ernestandjulio)
• Number of wheels on an 18-wheeler (goingtoofasttocount)
• Etsy, Russian (nyetsy)
During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes.
“Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother.
“Yes, it is.”
“Funny,” she said. “I … Read More
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don’t. You get down from a goose.
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he’s a keeper.
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them.
A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.
Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.
—Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?
A: A coat of paint.
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a little row-mance?”
Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?
A: Depends how well they can knit.
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient?
A: “I can’t see you today.”
Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn’t the lion eat the clown?
A: Because it thought he … Read More
Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?
A: Because every seat has a fan in it!
Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven ate nine!
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?”
The driver said, “You buyin’?”
Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how to tell the difference.”
“I do,” says the first baby. He carefully climbs… Read More
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.
Q: What do you call an old snowman?
I’m reading a great book about antigravity—I just can’t put it down.
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That’s right—he was elf taught.
Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?
A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws!
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Gee, I’ll never part with it!
Q: What is a lion’s favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells.
Q: Why did the children call St. Nick “Santa Caus”?
A: Because there was Noël.
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
Q: Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
A: His ghoulfriend.
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeño business!
Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill.
Source: Sun Chronicle (Attleboro, Massachusetts)
Here’s the laugh: A … Read More
My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift.
I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”
Jim Mercer, Delta, Canada
Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute, a voice from the back interrupted us.
“So,” a man said, “how many accountants does it take… Read More
You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything.
Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
What did one eye say to the other?
“Don’t look now, but something between us smells.”
Which trigonometric functions do farmers like?
Swine and cowswine.
Convex go to prison!
Algebra teacher: “What is seven Q plus three Q?”
Student: “Ten Q.”
Teacher: “You’re welcome.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”
Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog?
A: Right where you left him.
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says… Read More
About a month before my grandfather died, my grandmother covered his back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.
—Source: Funny in the U.K.
A fortune-teller advised me, “Do everything your boss says.” Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my… Read More
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” asks the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and … Read More
My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you’ll understand, but my capital … Read More
A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”
“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.
He replies, “Two weeks.”
—Source: Funny in Canada Survey
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”
My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50.”
I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder. But it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.
How does Moses make tea?
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Did you hear about the cell phones that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back:
Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.”
Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.”
Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid… Read More
The hashtag #literaryturducken asked Twitter users to combine the titles of three classic books into a single title. Here are some responses:
Anne of Green Eggs and Hamlet
You Are What You Eat, Pray, Love in the Time of Cholera
What’s … Read More
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
The Yoko Club? Oh no.
The German Philosophy Club? I Kant.
The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey.
The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend?
The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week.
Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit?
It was the herd shot around the world.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It’s all over town.
As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-faced client and says, “Janez, what’s wrong? You were acquitted.”
“I know, but now I’m really in trouble,” says Janez. “I just rented out my apartment for three years… Read More
A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. “What’s the matter, honey?” she asks him.
“It’s my father,” the boy says, sobbing. “He hit his finger with a hammer.”
“Then why are you crying?” she says… Read More
Wife: “Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.”
Husband: “Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.”
—Source: Funny in Switzerland
At the nudist colony for communists, two men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, “I say, have you read Marx?” The other replies, “Yes … I believe it’s these wicker chairs.”
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.
A schoolteacher was arrested at the airport for trying to go through security with a slide rule and a calculator. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, “Beer, please, and one for the road.”
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, “OK, but I don’t want you starting anything in here.”
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him to get out. The mushroom says, “Why? I’m a fun-guy.”
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire.
“But you can’t!” protests the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?
There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What did the Buddhist say to the pizza guy?
“Make me one with everything.”
Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Where does a king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Why do bicycles fall over?
Because they are two-tired.
Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Why were all the ink spots crying?
Their father was in the pen.
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they can’t remember the words.
So that three people can fit in the pickup.
A hermit leaves the solitude of his rural home and ventures into town for the first time in his life to try to get a loan.
Inside the bank, he tells the manager, “I want to borrow $10,000 to build a bathroom in my house.”
“I don… Read More
A man walks into a restaurant and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?” The cook replies, “Nothing special. We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”
A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”
A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.
“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.
“Great,” said the man. “It’s his birthday.”
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the knife-sharpener who quit his job? He couldn’t stand the daily grind.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.—Contributed by James Brink
Matt swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. Doctors said the problem will work itself out, but not in so many words.—From Man Walks into a Bar by Stephen Arnott and Mike Haskins (Ulysses Press)
Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon
Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn’t know soda was baked. Girl #2: Thank God it’s not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!—From overheardinnewyork.com
Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated? Friend: Well, that’s not exactly what he said, now, was it? Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought. Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought. Girl: Same thing.—From … Read More
Guy: Your glasses can’t be bad—you just got them! Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault. Guy: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Girl: I’m very competitive.—From overheardinnewyork.… Read More
“I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this more interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”
If truth-in-advertising laws governed your tattoos, here’s what the ink would actually say:
Still in my rebellious rite-of-passage phase.
I anticipate always feeling as whimsical as I was when I chose this.
Thinking-ahead deficient… Read More
Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one … Read More
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the “best” from the past year.
As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body… Read More
After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined:
Harry Potter and the Goblet of … Read More
Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to the north.
Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins
Canada: It’s Not Just for … Read More
Are you a redneck? Want to be one? Take the Redneck IQ test and see how well you fare. Don’t look for answers. If you need them, you’re no redneck.
1) Which of these cars will rust out quickest when placed on blocks in your front … Read More
The Week asked its readers to come up with the name of a French fast-food restaurant:
•Kentucky Fried Chic
•Tore de Pants
•Have It Eur Way
•Chomps É… Read More
On his way to perform at a graveside service, the bagpiper gets lost. After many wrong turns, he finally arrives, but the minister and mourners have already gone. Only the grave diggers remain, and they’re eating lunch. Not knowing what … Read More
My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realized he was her favorite twin.
Three guys are talking about what constitutes fame. The first guy defines it as being invited to the White House for a chat with the president.
“Nah,” says the second guy. “Real fame would be if the red phone rang when you were there, … Read More
While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt. When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose. Embarrassed, I tried to put her mind at ease. “If you smell gas,” I said, “it’s me.”
The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”
One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”
Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”
The third … Read More
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues. “That can’t be true,” another said.
“No,” agreed a Native American co… Read More
A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day. "Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks. The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier." The milkman… Read More
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, “Excuse me. Aren’t you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press … Read More
A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?”
“Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she… Read More
Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the best and fastest in lawn-mower racing. It also brought out some colorful … Read More
Hoss drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was a problem, since he needed to let his wife, Sue, know that he’d bought the bull so she could come … Read More
News that her third child was going to be a girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two boys. "My husband wants to call her Sunny," she told me, "and I want to give her Anna as her middle name in memory of my mom." I … Read More
There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Finally the customer behind me muttered, “Mr. Hare must be on vacation.”
Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the… Read More
Phil was driving down a country road late one night when he felt a big thud. He got out of the car and looked around, but the road was empty. Since there was nothing else to be done, Phil drove on home. In the morning the sheriff was … Read More
Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall.
While I was in this … Read More
Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.
“… Read More
My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees—dishes like “Chicken Mickey,” after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and “Rod’s Ribs,” after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue. … Read More