A woman called our airline
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed:
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
A Canadian psychologist is
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog
is smarter than you.
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
Don’t fill up
Alex Baze (@bazecraze)
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
I spend three minutes every
day choosing a TV channel
to leave on for my dog. Then
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”
The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”
The case was dismissed.
Helen Reynolds, Missoula, Montana
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
Submitted by Norie Bloom,
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase,
injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”
My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”
Cindy Mauro, West Milford, New Jersey
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum…
A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, “You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The Dachshund shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. “But that would make no sense at all.”
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in
a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them.
Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke:
Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know,
before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”
The other horse says, “Funny,
I felt a pinch in my hindquarters
before the race that I won.”
A dog walking by says, “You
idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”
The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”
Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!