Family Jokes

Newest Jokes

Brother Xing

I’m driving with this guy, and 
he runs right through a Stop sign. So 
I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”

He says, “My brother might be coming.”

Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off

My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k. The 
therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try. Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we 
just call it a duck?”

Pamela Spinney, Enosburg Falls, Vermont

A Wee Little Triumph

Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, 
she threw her arms in the air 
and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can 
go to Harvard!”

Jan and Jack McCloskey, 
San Francisco, California

A Trashy Career

“Has your son decided what 
he wants to be when he grows up?” 
I asked my friend.

“He wants to be a garbageman,” 
he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”


A Teenage Dream

My 11-year-old grandson spent 
a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”

His reply: “I can only dream.”

Sylvia Cardenas, 
Hacienda Heights, California

Terrible Two (Hundreds)

Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to 
my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so 

He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”

Angie Kiem, Irwin, Iowa

Piping Up

A Scottish mother visits her 
son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”

“Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”

“Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”

“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

Submitted by Noah Jorgensen, 
Silsbee, Texas

What 87-Year-Olds Give Up For Lent

“Has your diet changed?” 
I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital.

“Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave 
up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.”

L.K., via Internet

Parenting Fads According to The Onion

The latest parenting fads, 
according to the Onion:

• Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become 
a partner in a successful law firm.

• Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.

• As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.

(Mom say what?!)

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots 
of Love. I have to call everyone back.


Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.

Mom: WTF!

Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?

Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.

Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?

Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.

Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.


Poor Little Piggy…

My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed.

“Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?”

“The one that has no roast beef.”

Gary Neal, Clearwater, Florida

Glass Half Full (of Dung)

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of manure. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.

The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

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