To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when...
Family Jokes
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Adjectives Galore
During a lesson about adjectives, my friend, an elementary school teacher, asked her
class to describe their mothers. One boy described his mother's hair as auburn.
Impressed by his sophisticated word choice, my friend asked, "How do you know her hair color is auburn?" Her student replied, "Because that's what it says on the box."
During a lesson about adjectives, my friend, an elementary school teacher, asked her class to describe their mothers. One boy described his mother’s hair as auburn. Impressed by his sophisticated...
A Fly-Killer’s Pickle
My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
Cindy Yates, Mill Valley, California
My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated...
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Don’t step on the clean floor…
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
Submitted by Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor… A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he...
My Grandson Is A Smart Egg…
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the
bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s
a man in his mouth!”
C. S., via mail
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just...
Bonnie McFarlane On The Key To A Good Marriage
I once gave my husband the
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
Bonnie McFarlane,
from You’re Better Than Me
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, from You’re...
My Kids Don’t Know What I Do
I’ve been working on my PhD
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get
a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
Christopher Fields, Fort Collins, Colorado
I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day,...
Married To The Job
I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”
G. M., via e-mail
I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by...
When Relatives Attack
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
@michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
@michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)
When Siri Slips
After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need
to get back to work now; you have
a has-been to support.”
John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma
After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to...
Brother Xing
I’m driving with this guy, and
he runs right through a Stop sign. So
I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”
He says, “My brother might be coming.”
I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”...
Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off
My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k. The
therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try. Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we
just call it a duck?”
Pamela Spinney, Enosburg Falls, Vermont
My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k. The therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again...
Router-stiltskin
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my
first child.
@1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my
first child.
@1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)
David Letterman on Halloween
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
—David Letterman
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
—David Letterman
A Wee Little Triumph
Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down,
she threw her arms in the air
and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can
go to Harvard!”
Jan and Jack McCloskey,
San Francisco, California
Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, she threw her arms in the air and...
A Trashy Career
“Has your son decided what
he wants to be when he grows up?”
I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,”
he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
Source: guy-sports.com
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to...
Lew Schneider on Sunblock
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Lew Schneider
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Lew Schneider
A Teenage Dream
My 11-year-old grandson spent
a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”
His reply: “I can only dream.”
Sylvia Cardenas,
Hacienda Heights, California
My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living...
My First Job…
I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.
Melanie Reno
I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.
Melanie Reno
Terrible Two (Hundreds)
Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to
my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so
stubborn.”
He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”
Angie Kiem, Irwin, Iowa
Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so stubborn.” He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with...
Piping Up
A Scottish mother visits her
son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”
“Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”
“Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”
“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
Submitted by Noah Jorgensen,
Silsbee, Texas
A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?” “Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor...
What 87-Year-Olds Give Up For Lent
“Has your diet changed?”
I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital.
“Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave
up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.”
L.K., via Internet
“Has your diet changed?” I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital. “Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy,...
Parenting Fads According to The Onion
The latest parenting fads,
according to the Onion:
• Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become
a partner in a successful law firm.
• Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.
• As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.
The latest parenting fads, according to the Onion: • Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become a partner in a successful...
@BillMurray on Child Naming
The cool part about naming
your kid is you don’t have to add
six numbers to make sure the name
is available.
@billmurray
The cool part about naming
your kid is you don’t have to add
six numbers to make sure the name
is available.
@billmurray
Refresh. Refresh. Refresh…
The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it.
“It’s like that old saying,” he said. “ ‘A watched website never loads.’ ”
Helen Russ, Medford, Oregon
The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it. “It’s like that old saying,”...
Poor Little Piggy…
My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed.
“Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?”
“The one that has no roast beef.”
Gary Neal, Clearwater, Florida
My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed. “Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?” “The one...
This Classified ad Speaks Volumes:
“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”
Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida
“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”
Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida
Glass Half Full (of Dung)
A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
“What’s wrong?” the father asked.
“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.
Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of manure. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.
The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and...
Believe Me, I Would if I Could.
My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I
removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”
S. W., via mail
My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”...
That's Not How it Works, Dad.
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”
Rachel Hester, Clover, South Carolina
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind...
Toddler Wisdom
Events had left my son-in-
law’s sister feeling sad, and she started tearing up. Luckily, our
two-year-old grandson was nearby
to dispense words of wisdom.
“Don’t cry,” he said. “Sometimes
batteries die and toys break.”
Perry Finkelman, West Hempstead, New York
Events had left my son-in-law’s sister feeling sad, and she started tearing up. Luckily, our two-year-old grandson was nearby to dispense words of wisdom. “Don’t cry,” he said. “Sometimes batteries...
Family Loopholes
To get my cousin to write to
her even once, my aunt resorted to
sending him a check with this note: “Do not cash until you write me a thank-you.” A few weeks later, the check had cleared, yet no message had arrived. So she called him.
“I told you not to cash the check until you’d written to thank me,” she complained.
“I didn’t cash the check,” he said. “I deposited it.”
Mark Forman, Berkeley Heights, New Jersey
To get my cousin to write to her even once, my aunt resorted to sending him a check with this note: “Do not cash until you write me a thank-you.”...
Where There's A Will…
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
Ricky Gervais
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
Ricky Gervais
Can I Do A Trade?
I asked my brother-in-law, the
father of four boys, “If you had to do it all over again, would you still have kids?”
“Yes,” he said. “Just not these four.”
Sheila Lee, Lorain, Ohio
I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, “If you had to do it all over again, would you still have kids?” “Yes,” he said. “Just not these four.”...
You Could've Said "Gender"
I was nine months pregnant and browsing at a garage sale when the homeowner asked me if I knew whether I was having a boy or a girl.
I told her I didn’t.
As I left a few minutes later, she yelled after me, “I hope you get the sex you want!”
Melanie Riley, Lakemoor, Illinois
I was nine months pregnant and browsing at a garage sale when the homeowner asked me if I knew whether I was having a boy or a girl. I told...
Bottom of The Toy Barrel
Here is the best-ever backhanded compliment from a kid about a present: “Dear Genie, thanks for the toy. I’ll play with it when I’m bored.”
Debbie Skolnik, Scarsdale, New York
Here is the best-ever backhanded compliment from a kid about a present: “Dear Genie, thanks for the toy. I’ll play with it when I’m bored.” Debbie Skolnik, Scarsdale, New York
Kids Marry The Darnedest Things
My young son declared, “When
I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.”
“You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister.
“Then I’ll marry you.”
“You can’t marry me either.”
He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.”
“You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.
Phlylis Showers, San Diego, California
My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t...
“Dad?”
“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano
Sam Grittner
“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano
Sam Grittner
When I Was a Boy of 14…
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21,
I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I...
Father’s Day is Important Because…
Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.
Jimmy Fallon
Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.
Jimmy Fallon
I Gave My Father $100…
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Rita Rudner
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Rita Rudner
I Got All My Looks…
I got all my looks from my father. Mostly just the look of disappointment.
@MrBigFists
I got all my looks from my father. Mostly just the look of disappointment.
@MrBigFists
“I Was Only Breaking the Law a Little!”
My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over.
“Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the state trooper. “You were going 85 miles per hour.”
“Impossible,” she argued. “I had my cruise control set at 82!”
Pat Goetzinger, Lincoln, California
My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over. “Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the...
Grandma, How You’ve Changed!
During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes.
“Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother.
“Yes, it is.”
“Funny,” she said. “I always thought she was taller.”
Lee Rosenow, Long Prairie, Minnesota
During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes. “Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother. “Yes, it...
The Wisdom of a Defeated Husband
My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each
job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint
on a wall, he discovered gouges in the wood that needed to be filled in. Later, I found him sitting in the living room, staring off into space. Looking up, he announced, “Frustration is when my cope runneth over.”
Barbara Biderson,
Huntington Beach, California
My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint on a wall, he discovered gouges in the...
The Magic Penny
We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, “Do it again!”
From gcfl.net
We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going...
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I’d Like To Have A Kid…
I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.
—@DamienFahey
I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.
—@DamienFahey
Know Your Audience
“I’d like to discuss something with you,” my husband told our
nine-year-old son. He was about
to launch into The Talk.
“What is it?” asked Michael.
“We’re going to talk about girls.”
“What about girls?”
“Well, we’re going to talk about how girls get pregnant.”
“But, Dad,” said Michael, “I’m a boy!”
—Carol Wilson, Dublin, California
“I’d like to discuss something with you,” my husband told our nine-year-old son. He was about to launch into The Talk. “What is it?” asked Michael. “We’re going to talk...
Children For Sale
After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough.
“I think I’m going to sell them,”
I hissed to my sister.
“You’re crazy,” she said.
“For thinking of selling them?”
“For thinking someone would buy them.”
—Sheri Mueller, Lehi, Utah
After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough. “I think I’m going to sell them,” I hissed to my sister. “You’re crazy,” she said. “For thinking...
Two babies are sitting in their cribs…
Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how to tell the difference.”
“I do,” says the first baby. He carefully climbs out of his crib and into the other crib, then disappears beneath the blankets. After a few
seconds, he resurfaces.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he says.
“How can you tell?”
“Easy. You’ve got pink booties, and I’ve got blue ones.”
Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?” The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how...
A Shady Place
Shortly after my grandmother passed away, I took my daughter to her grave site, which was located beside a row of pine trees.
“How nice,” I said. “Grandma has a great spot here in the shade.”
My daughter replied, “Mom, they’re all in the shade.”
Sandra Shea-Crabbe, Tolland, Connecticut
Shortly after my grandmother passed away, I took my daughter to her grave site, which was located beside a row of pine trees. “How nice,” I said. “Grandma has a...
The Truth About Santa
I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in.
James Knowles, on topfive.com
I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in. James Knowles, on...
The Young and the Restful
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
—Bill Cosby
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
—Bill Cosby
Frozen Account
My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen.”
—Source: Funny in China Survey
My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this...
What’s the Word for…
Sometimes you have a mess on your hands that defies description. Not anymore. Clorox teamed up with comedian Carol Leifer to create The Clorox Ick-tionary, a Wiki-style dictionary for everyday messes. Here are new words that define slovenliness.
Apocolipstick: The streak on your face when you’re bumped into while attempting to apply lipstick.
Szechuan doodles: The pattern that your lo mein noodles make when they fall on the floor.
Fridge-a-mortis: The liquid in the bottom of the vegetable drawer that hardens over time.
Board-’oeuvres: Crumbs on your keyboard.
Sometimes you have a mess on your hands that defies description. Not anymore. Clorox teamed up with comedian Carol Leifer to create The Clorox Ick-tionary, a Wiki-style dictionary for everyday...
Founding Mothers
“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill he’d
gotten as a present.
“That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?”
Pointing to Andrew Jackson’s face in the middle, he said, “Because her picture is on it.”
—Andi Olson, Avondale, Arizona
“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill he’d gotten as a present. “That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?” Pointing to...
Kids These Days
Needing to look up a phone number at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll.
“A phone book?” asked her friend.
“You know,” said my daughter.
“A book with numbers in it.”
“Oh,” said her friend as it dawned on her. “You mean a math book.”
—Karen Eccles, La Mesa, California
Needing to look up a phone number at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll. “A...
Overheard At The Fair…
Little girl: I want cotton candy!
Mom: You can have some cotton candy after you eat something
healthy.
Little girl: I want cotton candy now!
Mom: I said no, you’re going to have something healthy! How about a corn dog?
—Laura Curran, Kellogg, Idaho
Little girl: I want cotton candy! Mom: You can have some cotton candy after you eat something healthy. Little girl: I want cotton candy now! Mom: I said no, you’re...
Education Starts At Home
During a science lesson, my sister-in-law picked up a magnet and
said to her second-grade class, “My name begins with the letter M, and
I pick things up. What am I?”
A little boy answered, “You’re a mommy.”
—Robert Boyer, Marion, Indiana
During a science lesson, my sister-in-law picked up a magnet and said to her second-grade class, “My name begins with the letter M, and I pick things up. What am...
Family Crest
Scene: Playground
A young girl is reading a book about knights.
Girl: What does our family crest look like, Mommy?
Mom: Poor people being crushed by a boot.
A young girl is reading a book about knights.
Girl: What does our family crest look like, Mommy?
Mom: Poor people being crushed by a boot.
Scene: Playground
A young girl is reading a book about knights.
Girl: What does our family crest look like, Mommy?
Mom: Poor people being crushed by a boot.
A young girl is reading a book about knights.
Girl: What does our family crest look like, Mommy?
Mom: Poor people being crushed by a boot.
Serving Double Time
Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? After they were caught, they finished each other’s sentences.
Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? After they were caught, they finished each other’s sentences.
The Final Fix
I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: "Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed."
I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and...
The Worst Part
My two daughters were discussing the less than desirable physical attributes they had inherited from their father.
The older one: "I hate my freckles from Dad."
Her unsympathetic younger sister: "At least you got his freckles. I got his eyebrow."
The older one: "I hate my freckles from Dad."
Her unsympathetic younger sister: "At least you got his freckles. I got his eyebrow."
My two daughters were discussing the less than desirable physical attributes they had inherited from their father. The older one: "I hate my freckles from Dad." Her unsympathetic younger sister:...
Healthy Advice
People’s parents actually give them sage advice, like “Do what you love, and the money will follow” or “The early bird gets the worm.” All I remember is “Don’t fill up on bread.”
People’s parents actually give them sage advice, like “Do what you love, and the money will follow” or “The early bird gets the worm.” All I remember is “Don’t fill...
Funny Things That Parents Say
"You shouldn't be eating candy so early. We have doughnuts."
"The key is to put the mousetrap outside the house. That way, the mice don't come in." "Your aunt couldn't make it, so I brought the cat."
"Don't do drugs. They're hell on your body, and I may need one of your organs someday."
—From Crazythingsparentssay.com
"The key is to put the mousetrap outside the house. That way, the mice don't come in." "Your aunt couldn't make it, so I brought the cat."
"Don't do drugs. They're hell on your body, and I may need one of your organs someday."
—From Crazythingsparentssay.com
"You shouldn’t be eating candy so early. We have doughnuts." "The key is to put the mousetrap outside the house. That way, the mice don’t come in." "Your aunt couldn’t...
Honey, I'm Home
I arrived home from work to find all the windows and doors wide open. Apparently our puppy had had an accident.
"Yeah, it really stank," my daughter told me. "In fact, when we first walked in, I thought you had come home early and were cooking dinner."
I arrived home from work to find all the windows and doors wide open. Apparently our puppy had had an accident. “Yeah, it really stank,” my daughter told me. “In...
Home Again
Our 25-year-old son moved back home with an eye toward socking away money to buy a condo. We never bothered asking how long he'd planned to stay, but I got a pretty good idea when I walked into his room recently. In the corner was a milk jug with a few coins in it and a label that read "Condo down payment."
Our 25-year-old son moved back home with an eye toward socking away money to buy a condo. We never bothered asking how long he’d planned to stay, but I got...
Just Following Directions
My wife is a by-the-recipe baker. But that attention to detail still hasn't made her chocolate chip cookies taste any better. One day, after the cookies had been in the oven a while, I smelled a familiar odor. "They're burning," I shouted.
"I know," she said nonchalantly.
"Aren't you going to take them out?"
"No. They still have six minutes."
My wife is a by-the-recipe baker. But that attention to detail still hasn’t made her chocolate chip cookies taste any better. One day, after the cookies had been in the...
Being Prepared
I was not thrilled with the idea of letting my clueless 13-year-old son babysit his younger sisters, even though he begged me to.
"What about a fire?" I asked, referring to my No. 1 concern.
"Mom," he said, rolling his eyes, "I'm a Boy Scout. I know how to start a fire."
I was not thrilled with the idea of letting my clueless 13-year-old son babysit his younger sisters, even though he begged me to. “What about a fire?” I asked, referring...
Good Advice
My sister is a know-it-all who bristles at anyone's well-intentioned advice. But when our older sister gave her several clever tips, she was impressed. "I have to hand it to Pat," she told me. "She really is smart. Not Jeopardy! smart; more Wheel of Fortune smart."
My sister is a know-it-all who bristles at anyone’s well-intentioned advice. But when our older sister gave her several clever tips, she was impressed. "I have to hand it to...
Family Matters
"Why doesn't your mother like me?" a woman asks her boyfriend.
"Don't take it personally," he assures her. "She's never liked anyone I've dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn't work out at all."
"What happened?"
"My father couldn't stand her."
“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend. “Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like...
Naming Game
My mom wants me to name my kids after people in our family. So I'm naming my firstborn Uncle Karl.
My mom wants me to name my kids after people in our family. So I'm naming my firstborn Uncle Karl.
Good Sense
Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her "the talk."
"Sometimes, it's easy to get carried away when you're with a boy," I said. "Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life."
"Don't worry," she said. "I don't plan on ruining my life until I get married."
"Sometimes, it's easy to get carried away when you're with a boy," I said. "Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life."
"Don't worry," she said. "I don't plan on ruining my life until I get married."
Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her "the talk." "Sometimes, it’s easy to get carried away when you’re with a boy," I said. "Remember, a short...