Zack Galifianakis, Joan Rivers, Wanda Sykes, Jerry Lewis, and 16 other stand-ups share their funniest stories about being a comedian

My First Joke

By  Zack Galifianakis

[The joke, told 16 years ago at a club in Times Square, went like this]: I was with this girl the other night, and we ended up at her house, and she said, “Hey, look, you can crash on my futon.” And I looked at her, and I said, “I don’t sleep on anything that rhymes with crouton.”

I think I heard a cough and a fork drop at the same time. Silence. But after that night, I remember thinking to myself — not to be too dramatic, but I do remember — This is the path I’m going to take.

Excerpted from the New York Daily News

• Zack Galifianakis stars in The Hangover 2.

The Wrong Club

By Heather McDonald

I was new in the business when a guy offered me a gig at his club in Santa Monica. When I got to the address and spotted the illuminated silhouettes of women flashing on the roof, I was energized. This place really supports female comics, I told myself. I walked to the door and announced to the bouncer that I was there to perform.

“Are you here for amateur night?” he asked.

Though I’d been doing stand-up for a year, I tried not to appear offended. He motioned to a waitress, who led me into the green room, where I met the other comedians. My first thought: They’re all so attractive. I wonder if they’ll be telling jokes about being single and dating like me. My second thought: Why are they wearing only their bras and underwear?

Suddenly, the feeling came over me that I had had once before when I was applying lip liner in a poorly lit bathroom at a TGI Friday’s and a man emerged from the stall — I’m in the wrong place!

They all think I’m a stripper!

Of course, I was flattered. Who wouldn’t be? And when I found out the prize was $100, I considered entering. But then I remembered the high-waisted panties I was wearing and decided to stick with comedy.

• Heather McDonald is a regular on the E! network’s Chelsea Lately.

This Is the Job for Me!

By Jerry Seinfeld

[When Jerry was eight, he told a joke that made his friend spit up his milk and cookies.] I felt the milk, and I saw it all coming at me, and I said, “I would like to do this professionally.”

Excerpted from CNN

• Jerry Seinfeld was the star and cocreator of Seinfeld.

Soap Opera

By Joy Behar

Early in my career, I wanted to get into commercials, so I met with an agent. He took one look at me, and he said, “You’re a good type for Ragu and Driver’s Training Institute, but you can’t do Procter and Gamble.” Then he reconsidered: “Well, you can do Procter and Gamble, but the blonde has to have the clean floor, and you have to have the dirty floor,” which is ironic because you can eat off my mother’s floor. We often did, since she could never decide on a dining room set.

• Joy Behar stars in The View on ABC and the Joy Behar Show on HLN.

On the Cusp of Stardom

By Brian Kiley

Years ago, I got the opportunity to open for Jerry Seinfeld in Worcester, Massachusetts. There were 4,000 people per show, and they were great. The next day, my wife and I came home to New York. Waiting for us was a message on our answering machine: “Brian, this is ABC TV calling …”

I began to shake. This was my big break. “Your VCR is ready.”

Then we remembered: ABC TV was the name of the place where we had taken our VCR to be fixed.

• Brian Kiley has been nominated for 12 Emmy Awards as a writer for Late Night with Conan O’Brien.