Dealing with the Network

By Louis CK

[While we were shooting Lucky Louie],

HBO asked us why there was no nudity. What they really meant was, Why wasn’t Pamela Adlon, who played my wife, nude? When I hired Pam, I didn’t tell her she was going to be doing anything like that. It wasn’t supposed to be that kind of show. So I said, “You know what, I’ll do it.” And I did that episode, and they were like, “Okay, we have plenty of nudity, thank you.”

Excerpted from the New York Times

• Louis CK stars in, writes, and directs Louie on FX.

Joan of Arch

By Whitney Cummings

The way comics show love and admiration for each other is by insulting one another on the Comedy Central Roast.

But the key to a roast working is that the roastee has to enjoy it, or else it feels mean. That’s what happened when we roasted Joan Rivers.

Greg Giraldo went up first and ripped into her, but he got no reaction from her. The next comic went up, same thing. Everyone was laughing except Joan. The comics were getting nervous. We were whispering, “Her feelings are hurt. Look at her. She’s not smiling!” I was panicking. Here she is, my hero, and I was convinced she would never speak to me again.

But Joan Rivers — the butt of all these nasty jokes — saved the day. Sensing the unease among the comics, halfway through the show she stood up and assured us, “I’m having fun. This is funny!” It turns out she was a victim of her Botox. She had to subtitle her own face so that people would know she was enjoying herself.

• Whitney Cummings stars in Whitney on NBC this fall.

My Mad Party

By Andrew Daly

Like most people, I got into show business for the parties. So when I joined the cast of MADtv in 2000, I posted a sign at the show’s offices: “Party at My Place! Bring Anyone!” It would prove to be poorly worded.

My first guest was a demure-looking stranger in her 60s. She arrived at 8:30 on the dot and introduced herself as June. She said, “I’m a friend of Jackie’s.”

“Jackie … ”

“She works with you at MAD.”

I pretended to know who Jackie was, and I got June her Sprite. Then two of my friends showed up. We chatted with June until two more strangers arrived. “We’re friends of Jackie’s,” they said.

Next, some friends were followed through the door by a short, fat guy with silly-looking curly hair. His name was Howard, and then, as if in a horror movie, he added, “I’m a friend of Jackie’s.” Now I was concerned. Who was Jackie, and how many people had she invited?

I was right to be worried because by 10 p.m., the air was heavy with social ineptitude. There were 25 of my friends, 50 friends of Jackie’s, and no Jackie. And Jackie’s friends were poorly cast for a young-Hollywood blowout. Eventually, I learned that Jackie and her friends were enrolled in something called the Flashforward Institute, where they had taken classes in confidence building and networking. Their homework: Attend a party. Apparently, Jackie, who held an administrative position at MADtv, had passed along my invitation — to all 100 of them.

Around 11, a woman thrust her big, smiling face in front of me and yelled, “Hi, I’m Jackie! I’m the one who invited a hundred people to your party!” She then handed me a wooden end table and said, “Everyone brings something with them to a party, but nobody ever brings anything to put those things on!”

Jackie was what psychologists call a “crazy person.”

At the end of the night, I gave Jackie and each of her friends a class evaluation: Everyone got an F in networking, except June, who got credit for being punctual.

Adapted from the LA Weekly

• Andrew Daly is an actor, a comedian, and a writer.

This Is a Tough Room

By  Wanda Sykes

I was working at a club in Newark, and somebody bent over, and his gun fell out on the floor. Everybody began checking their coats to make sure it wasn’t their gun.

Excerpted from Rolling Stone

• Wanda Sykes was named one of the 25 funniest people in America by Entertainment Weekly.

The Day I Won Them Over

By Jim Mendrinos

Right after 9/11, I performed for some relief workers. The audience was justifiably on edge, and I was just as nervous. What could I possibly say under the circumstances? How about the one thing that kept nagging at me?

I began by thanking them for working so hard. Then I said, “On that terrible day, New Yorkers asked two questions: ‘Is everyone safe?’ and ‘I wonder if I’ll have tomorrow off?’”

The relief workers laughed their butts off, and we had a great show.

• Jim Mendrinos wrote The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Comedy Writing.

The Day My Act Was Born

By Lisa Lampanelli

Bring back the fat chick!

It was only five words, but they changed my life forever.

The place, in Meriden, Connecticut, was a mediocre crab-and-burger joint that hosted a stand-up comedy show. The crowd was full of food, half full of liquor, and devoid of civility.

To be honest, my set wasn’t my best — having just started in comedy — and I did about 15 minutes of jokes about my weight, my Italian family, and my current relationship.

As I introduced the next comic, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had made it through the set. But while watching the comic struggle for laughs, I heard that fateful line: “Bring back the fat chick!”

I froze. Sure, the drunken creep who yelled it was implying I was funnier than comic No. 2. But he had called me fat, a word that every woman from Eve to Eva Braun to Eve Ensler has feared. I felt my face turn red as the audience shifted its gaze to where I stood. In that instant, I made a decision: I was gonna get them before they got me. I may be the only comedian who has been heckled when she was offstage, but in that moment, “Lisa Lampanelli — Insult Comic” was born.

• Lisa Lampanelli is a mainstay of the Comedy Central Roasts.

Learning to Be a Pro

By Andrea Henry

I was backstage at a talent-based reality TV show watching another comic being interviewed on camera. This, he said, was his last shot in the business. He had a wife, a baby, and one on the way, so he either wowed them tonight, or he was quitting the business forever and getting a real job. As he spoke, he choked up, and I saw a little tear well up in the corner of his eye. When he finished, the producer said, “Great! Now let’s shoot it from a different angle.” After they readjusted the camera and lights, he did it pitch-perfect again, even the same little tear.

• Andrea Henry’s There She Is … was named best comedy at the SENE Film, Music & Arts Festival.

I Almost Died Laughing

By Jerry Lewis

I’m preparing the big finale for my 1960 film Cinderfella.

The setting is a ballroom. The centerpiece: a long, majestic staircase with 64 steps. I’d flown in the Count Basie Orchestra from New York, so the soundstage is packed with hundreds of crew members, actors, extras, musicians, and visitors. I tell the cameraman where to set up the camera and what his cue is. Now I’m ready to film. I make my entrance at the top of the stairs. The camera follows me as I do my choreographed routine, going from the top stair all the way into the ballroom. I go to my costar Anna Maria Alberghetti. I take her hand and kiss it. I leave her and run up those 64 stairs in nine seconds flat. Nine seconds flat!

And then I wind up at the hospital — I had a heart attack at the top of the stairs.

The film and all those actors, extras, crew members, and musicians are on hold for eight weeks because I’m now inside an oxygen tent. We’re talking 1960, so it’s a huge canvaslike affair — square, with zippers. And on the top of it, there’s a flap you can open to put in the stethoscope, medicine, and so on.

That night, my father comes into my room. He opens the little flap on the oxygen tent, sticks his face inside, and says, “Do you know what you’re doing to your mother?”

• Jerry Lewis is a comedian, actor, producer, writer, director, singer …

My Successful Career

By Judah Friedlander

People often ask me, “How did you get started in stand-up comedy?” I tell them, “I got drafted right out of high school.” I was in tenth grade, about to turn 24. In the middle of class, I decided to make fun of the teacher. Everyone started laughing. Students fell out of their chairs and were convulsing on the floor. Other classrooms emptied out and squeezed into our room. The principal entered to stop the chaos. But he laughed harder than anyone. It got too crowded, so I karate kicked the wall down and took the show outside to the parking lot. The cops and military were there. Not for security, but because they really appreciate a quality comedy show.

Two hundred miles away, Jeff Bloomwichz, the top comedy scout in America, was driving his speedboat in the Atlantic Ocean. He followed the sound of earthshaking guffaws to my show. Afterward, Jeff stepped out of his speedboat and said, “Funny stuff, kid.” I signed a deal to turn pro right there in the parking lot. The rest is history.

• Judah Friedlander plays Frank Rossitano on NBC’s 30 Rock.