A: American (In)Security
The U.S. government is monitoring the phone calls and e-mails of millions of Americans. What can you do about it? Andy Borowitz suggests inserting these phrases into your conversations:
- I think the NSA is awesome.
- I just reread Nineteen Eighty-Four—it actually has a lot of good ideas in it!
- I’m pretty sure my neighbor is cheating on his taxes.
B: Bieber, Jestin’
While visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam in April, Justin Bieber wrote in the guest book, “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber.” Funnyordie.com imagined what Beibs might have said about other famous peeps, like Madame Marie Curie: “Gotta give it up. Could not be doing what I’m doing if baby girl hadn’t discovered radios.” He could also have shown some lovin’ to Mother Teresa: “Much respect to Theresa and all the mothers out there. Without my mom, I wouldn’t be the down-to-earth person I am today.”
C: Citizen, Wannabe
Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to
citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, “Who do you think’s going to build that path?”
D: Dreams, Dashed
In his new book, The Stench of Honolulu, Jack Handey lists some failed aspirations:
- Once I wanted to build the world’s longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had already done it.
- For a while I wanted to become a naturalist, until I found out it wasn’t what I thought. They wear clothes.
E: Existential Krisis
The Twitter account @KimKierkegaard melds quotes from Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard and his American counterpart, Kim Kardashian:
- I never thought I would ever say this … I’m wearing flats today. I have lost my footing temporarily, but I hope I have not lost myself.
- To win a crowd is not art; for that, only untruth, nonsense, and some knowledge of human passions are needed. Like me on Facebook to learn more!
On the popular social-networking site, sincerity is often a casualty.
• Post: Can’t wknds be longer?
Response: Yes, weekends.
• Post: One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do is to stop loving someone because they’ve stopped loving you.
Response: I think it’s harder to put toothpaste back into its container.
G: George, the Prince Formally Known As
New rule: Stop asking if the new royal baby is more like William or more like Kate. He’s more like Uncle Harry—naked and unable to stand.
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