Old Age Jokes
Laughing can make you live longer. Read up on our old age jokes and “getting old” jokes to live forever.
Getting old doesn’t have to be sad. Make fun of those grey hairs with these old people jokes and jokes for seniors.
A Dead Man’s Credit
No Hair Salon or Cleaning
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Lexus or Acura
Young and Bad
Spent All the Money
Blockbuster Old
He’s Only 70
Not That Old Yet
Insurance Love Life
Baking or Vaping
Teeth Out Too
Bathroom in the Morning
10 Years Isn’t Enough
Older and Not Bothered
When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous. My buddy whispered, “She makes me wish I was 30 years older.” “Don’t you mean 30 years younger?” I asked. “No. If I were 30 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 30 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”
Hearing Aid Missing
The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”
Wrinkles and Irony
All Smiles
An Old Guy Walks Into…
Aged To Perfection
The Case of The Illegal Mah-Jong Game
Pick a Husband, Any Husband
Fishing For Whiskey
“Come Out With Your Pants Up!”
The Time Traveling Soldier
A Grave Encounter
"You Need a Shorter Password."
What's a Hipster?
Bed, Bath, And Way, Way Beyond
A Grandmother’s Wisdom
Natural Bull Enhancement
In Memoriam
Relaxing Location
Vital Signs
A Dime a Dozen
"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I'm looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."
Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."
Senior Lingo
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
The Problem With Jury Duty
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"
Dream Home
My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don't worry," she said. "They'll only look once."
The Woes of Aging
On Retirement Time
"I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."
Changing With the Times
Lawnmower Upgrade
Clicking Into Place
Teeth Cleaning
Special Karaoke
Birds of a Feather
"Dear," I intervened. "Singles, not seagulls."
Keeping Up Appearances
High Hopes
Trio of Gifts
"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."
"Nice."
"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."
Leaving a Light On
"Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."
Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
"I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who's been peeing in the fridge."
Long Time, No See
Empty Threat
Wrinkle Cream
"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.
"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."
Age Based Discounts
"Sir," she said, "this is a quilt museum. We give discounts to teenagers."
Back in Time
"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked.
"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."
Contact Info
Time Issue
"A case."
"You can drink a case in a day?!"
"Well," he grumbled defensively, "it doesn't take all day."
The Good Old Days
Marking Time
Blind Date
"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."
"What's so terrible about that?"
"He was the original owner."
"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."
"What's so terrible about that?"
"He was the original owner."
Looking Good
"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."
A Great Weight-Loss Tip
Gary LeVox of Rascal Flatt’s Favorite Joke
Active Pursuits
Not Getting It
Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened to Shania Twain this morning," she said.
"The whole CD?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "just one side."
Old and Feeling Great
A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. When she got him back to his room and sat him down, he took a deep breath and announced, "That was great! I don't feel a day over 100!"
Generation Gap
Her class assignment was to interview an "old person" about his life, so my niece asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?"
"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.
She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"
Old in Some Ways
"You should never ask an adult's age," I broke in.
"That's okay," Harriett said smiling. "I'm fifty."
"Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her do."
Unable to Drive
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Why, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother be needing a rental car?"
Young Hairstyle
Getting up to leave the table, I ran my fingers through my hair—and discovered two yellow-ducky barrettes that had been lovingly placed there hours before.
Young Man
Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"
Driving Drought
The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him how many miles he drives in a year. He said he didn't know.
"Well, do you drive 10,000 miles a year?" I asked, "or 5,000?"
He said the numbers sounded high. "What month is this?" he asked. I told him it was July.
"Maybe this will help," he said. "I filled the car with gas in February."
Older Method