Funny One-Liners

Steal these classic one-liner jokes, from experts in funny from Milton Berle to Conan O'Brien.

NEW FUNNY JOKES

And That's The Way it is

Any time a person with a journalism degree writes…

Ken Jennings on Dog Walkers

My favorite game  is “Professional Dog Walker…

Hotel Time-Travel

A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the…

Maggie Smith on Annoying People

There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people…

Stephen Colbert on Internships

Try an internship! Internships give you all the…

The Weirdest Summer Job Ever

Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a…

Demetri Martin's Summer Plans

This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and…

My First Job...

I got my first full-time job, but I could have…

Fractured Fairy Tales

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe…

The Meaning of War

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching…

Thanks, MapQuest

MapQuest really needs to start its directions on…

Misfortune Cookie

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and…

The Funniest Person in The World

The Laugh Factory in Los 
Angeles invited…

Matthew Wohlfarth on Exercise

I work out religiously—Christmas and…

Zen Koans for the Internet Age

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it…

Dog on The Job

Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a…

Jimmy Fallon on ISIS

The Pentagon announced that its fight against…

Watch Your Sodium

I’m at the age where I can’t take anything…

What Febreze Really Means

Febreze air fresheners: for people who are like…

Sarah Silverman on Cleaning House

My kitchen floor is sticky, and 
I had to do…

The Mark of Good Cleaning

Oh man, just did some serious cleaning in here…

Zach Galifianakis on Laundry

You know it’s time to do the laundry when you…

Dating a Hoarder

I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with…

BULLETIN: Stoop Sale

Stoop sale this Sunday, 12 to 4 p.m. 
Throwing…

Megan Amram on Mystery

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never…

The Star of Cake Boss Was Arrested...

The star of Cake Boss was 
arrested for DWI…

When Smart is Too Smart

I can still remember a time when I knew more than…

Parenting Fads According to The Onion

The latest parenting fads, 
according to the…

@BillMurray on Child Naming

The cool part about naming 
your kid is you…

Hedberg on Highlights

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some…

Airport Insecurity

The head of the TSA resigned after about four…

Notable Never-isms

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may…

Steer Clear of this Joke

A farmer counted 196 cows in 
the field. But…

Did You Dye Your Beard?

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts…

The Wright Way to Give

One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box 
of…

Mazel Tov, Mary!

Christmas is a baby shower that 
went totally…

Christmas Freedom

The holiday 
season:
a deeply religious…

Better Luck Next Year

I once bought my kid a set of batteries for…

Insulting Santa

This mall 
Santa seems insulted that I put down…

Snappy Answers to Bad Résumés

Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half…

It Beats a Board Meeting

The office Christmas party 
is a great…

A Fax?

You’re sending me something via fax? What is…

Sky's the Limit

Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we…

Dad Jokes from Granddad

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of…

Casting a Spell

Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended…

Common Ground

The Olympics remind us that no matter what…

...And Your Little Blog, Too!

What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a…

Say it With Your Pants

Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir…

You Get What You Pay For

Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8…

Cut and Run

The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup…

How do You Drown a Hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream. Submitted by…

The Greatest Disguise

I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year…

I Owe My Life to Justin Bieber...

... I was in a coma for two years, until a nurse…

Back To The Cleaners

My biggest problem with time travel is: How many…

Or Maybe While Breakdancing

The worst time to have a heart 
attack is…

A Colorful Diet

My parents used to stuff 
me with candy when I…

The Better Paleo Diet

I’m on the Paleo diet, 
except I’m the…

You Are What Your Eat

I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped…

A Holiday Quiz

“Pretend to be someone you’re 
not, and…

I'm a Busy Ghost, People

People always ask kids the same stupid questions…

A Fun-Size Quibble

When it comes 
to candy bars, the term…

The Face of Deception

“I have a beard.” —a bald-faced liar Myq…

The Real Reason For Shaving Cream

Do you think shaving cream really softens your…

When is Your Beard Too 
Long?

When the comments 
turn from “Hey! I really…

Facial Deduction

Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me…

Pick a 'Vember, Any 'Vember

While you’re honoring Movember by not shaving…

The Spirit of Movember

I won’t be shaving this November, in order to…

Miles and Gigabytes Away

Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But…

Air Force Truisms

“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone…

Terrified: The Only Way to Fly

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a…

A Moment of Reflection

I shave each morning in front 
of my car’s…

Start Over, Por Favor?

After 12 years of therapy, 
my psychiatrist…

From Your Lips to God's...Lips

In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you…

Prepare for Takeoff

Did you know a bird is the only animal that you…

Projecting Happiness

One hard thing to explain to teens is how…

A Thanksgiving Problem

When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking…

Doing The Man Dance

If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line…

The Maximum-Security Bathroom

If a company’s most valuable 
resource is its…

Militant Roaches

I’m convinced my cockroaches have military…

A Watched Pot Never Boils...

A watched pot never boils, but it does get…

If Truth Be Beauty...

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their…

If You Can't Beat 'Em...

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them…

Where There's A Will...

Where there’s a will, there’s a…

A Penny Saved...

A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in…

Tech-No-Limits

Can a 3-D printer make ink 
cartridges for a…

The Other Mortal Coils

I told the kids I never want to 
live in a…

Iced to Eat You

Happy One-year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in…

Wax On, Mouth Off

Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting…

I Never Feel More...

I never feel more privileged 
than when I get…

Before LinkedIn...

Before LinkedIn, I didn’t know any…

Skip To The Good Part, Please

I wish people were like Internet videos and you…

LOLHumans.com

I bet cats have 
a secret website where they…

Hunter, Gatherer, Manager?

I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when…

Quip To Complete Purchase

I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and…

Killing Time Online

The only people who don’t click Skip on ads…

Every Marriage Needs A Spin Doctor

My wife told me that I twist everything she says…

That's What I Call 'Force Quit'

I’m thinking of opening a firing range where…

The Airborne Obnoxious Event

“Ohhh, bless you … Bless you … Riiiight…

The Only Qualification...

The only qualification for working at an airline…