Headline from the Seattle PostIntelligencer: “Mom Warns Son to ‘Watch Out for Idiots,’ Rear‑Ends His Motorcycle.”
Funny Headlines
These funny headlines take the seriousness out of the news.
The news doesn’t have to be boring. Laugh out loud with these funny news headlines and funny news stories that make reading newspapers fun!
Scroll For More >>
Dolphin Spy Thrillers
A few months ago, Hamas
“arrested” a dolphin for being an
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason
magazine came up with titles for
the film this action might inspire:
• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy...
Plotting Your Afterlife
Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so
I don’t have to spend all eternity
beside my ex!”
Anthony Cialella, New Castle, Pennsylvania
Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so
I don’t have to spend all eternity
beside my ex!”
Anthony Cialella, New Castle, Pennsylvania
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
- Animal Jokes
- Animal Puns
- Bad Puns
- Bar Jokes
- Birthday Jokes
- Cat Jokes
- Cat Puns
- Christmas Jokes
- Coffee Jokes
- Computer Jokes
- Corny Jokes
- Customer Service Jokes
- Cute Puns
- Dad Jokes
- Daily Life Jokes
- Diet Jokes
- Doctor Jokes
- Dog Jokes
- Dog Puns
- Dumb and Funny Jokes
- Easter Jokes
- Family Jokes
- Food Jokes
- Food Puns
- Funny Headlines
- Funny Quotes
- Funny Stories
- Halloween Jokes for Kids
- Holiday Jokes
- Kids’ Jokes
- Knock-Knock Jokes
- Lawyer Jokes
- Love Jokes
- Marriage Jokes
- Math Jokes
- Math Puns
- Military Jokes
- Mom Jokes
- Money Jokes
- Music Puns
- Office Jokes
- Old Age Jokes
- One-Liners
- Political Jokes
- Puns
- Relationship Jokes
- Religious Jokes
- Riddles
- Santa Jokes
- School Jokes
- Science Jokes
- Skeleton Puns
- Sports Jokes
- Text Jokes
- Thanksgiving Jokes
- Travel Jokes
- Turkey Jokes
- Valentine’s Day Jokes
- Weather Jokes
- Weight Loss Jokes
SEE ALL CATEGORIES
Scroll For More >>
The Best of The Onion Magazine Covers
• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
• The 100 Worst Senators
• The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion and Lindsay Lohan
Source: The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers That Transformed an Undeserving World (Little, Brown)
• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work • The 100 Worst Senators • The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We...
Wanted: Cemetery Superintendent
“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”
A. S., via Internet
“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”
A. S., via Internet
This Classified ad Speaks Volumes:
“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”
Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida
“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”
Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida
IT’S CLASSIFIED
Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:
• Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably
Source: Gettysburg Area Merchandiser
• Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts
Source: Topeka Capital-Journal
• Free Vain Screening
Source: Boston Globe
• Free rent in exchange for elderly woman
Source: 11points.com
Submitted by James Hutchinson, Carroll Valley, Pennsylvania; Faith Adams, Topeka, Kansas; Annetta Boisselle, Melrose, Massachusetts
Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it: • Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably Source:...
Bad Typos in Real Newspapers
We all make mistakes. Some
are just more public than others,
like these real newspaper typos:
“Here the bridal couple stood,
facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto News-Herald (California)
“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan)
“Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.” Ohio paper
“A headline in an item in the
Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’” Enquirer-Bulletin
From Just My Typo, by Drummond Moir
(Three Rivers Press)
We all make mistakes. Some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos: “Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto...
Heading Off Criticism
Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to
Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we
need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une
Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro
Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with
the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
From gcfl.net
Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines: Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement...
We Don’t Even Want to Know
File These Headlines Under: We Don't Even Want to Know.
•Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker
•FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant
•Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself
•Woman’s “Stomach Bug” Actually Baby
Sources: Ottawa Citizen (Canada), ctpost.com, Associated Press, Toronto Sun
File These Headlines Under: We Don’t Even Want to Know. •Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker •FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant •Missing Woman...
Big Changes in Appleton
A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”
Allison Nastoff, Brookfield, Wisconsin
A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”
Allison Nastoff, Brookfield, Wisconsin
Department of (Ridiculous) Corrections
Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others:
• NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.”
• Britain’s Sky News showed the
importance of punctuation: “Top
stories: World leaders at Mandela tribute, Obama–Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set.”
• A retraction from Wired: “A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Dropbox cofounder Drew Houston saying ‘anyone with nipples’ instead of ‘anyone with a pulse.’”
Sources: jonathanturley.org, Washington Times, poynter.org
Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others: • NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.” •...
First Microbes Breathed Sulfur…
First Microbes Breathed Sulfur Before It Was Cool
Washington Post
First Microbes Breathed Sulfur Before It Was Cool
Washington Post
Stolen Prosthetic Arm…
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
Daily Echo, England
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
Daily Echo, England
Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate…
Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate Disputes Report of Own Death
WAFF (Huntsville, Alabama)
Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate Disputes Report of Own Death
WAFF (Huntsville, Alabama)
Hold the Presses!
Misadventures in headline writing from around the world:
City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan)
Case of Innocent Man Freed
After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works —Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas)
British Left Waffles on Falklands —The Guardian
At Last Singer Etta James Dies —dailymail.co.uk
Misadventures in headline writing from around the world: City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan) Case of Innocent Man Freed After Spending 18 Years in Prison...
Headlines around America
• County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds (Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon)
• 4-H Training Scheduled for Shooting Instructors (Pine City Pioneer, Minnesota)
• Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances (Winchester Star, Virginia)
• Police: DUI Charge for Woman Celebrating End of Earlier DUI
Suspension (Chicago Tribune)
• Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons (Tulsa World, Oklahoma)
• County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds (Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon) • 4-H Training Scheduled for Shooting Instructors (Pine City Pioneer, Minnesota) • Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances...
That Reminds Me of a Joke (Counterfeit Edition)
Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill.
Source: Sun Chronicle (Attleboro, Massachusetts)
Here’s the laugh: A counterfeiter drives to a small town, enters a store, and hands the rube behind the counter an $18 bill. “Mind making change?” he asks.
“Sure,” says the clerk. “Ya want two nines or three sixes?”
Source: propilots.org
Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill. Source:...
That Weekend is Killer…
Headline from the Times Herald-Record (Newburgh, New York): West Point Cadets Train for Life in Iraq with Weekend in N.J.
Headline from the Times Herald-Record (Newburgh, New York): West Point Cadets Train for Life in Iraq with Weekend in N.J.
Woman with Arms Held
—Source: Times of India
—Source: Times of India
Talk Stupid to Me
Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for "Talking Stupidly"
—Source: La Crosse (Wisconsin) Tribune
Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for "Talking Stupidly"
—Source: La Crosse (Wisconsin) Tribune
Workplace Stress
Warehouse Worker Packing Stress Balls Punched His Boss in Face
—Source: Mirror
Warehouse Worker Packing Stress Balls Punched His Boss in Face
—Source: Mirror
Hire Boyz II Men
Vladimir Putin Hires Boyz II Men to Boost the Russian Birth Rate
—Source: Daily Mail
Vladimir Putin Hires Boyz II Men to Boost the Russian Birth Rate
—Source: Daily Mail
Torrington Police Search for Jesus
—Source: Hartford Courant
—Source: Hartford Courant
Suspected Beer Thief Leaves Liquid Trail
—Source: Charleston Daily Mail
—Source: Charleston Daily Mail
Stylish but Illegal Monkey Found Roaming Toronto IKEA
—Source: The Globe and Mail
—Source: The Globe and Mail
Study: Rich More Likely to Take Candy from Babies
Source: Washington Post
Source: Washington Post
Statistics Show….
Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25
—Source: New York Post
Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25
—Source: New York Post
Spay/Neuter Clinic for Low-Income Residents
—Source: (Lewiston, Maine) Sun Journal
—Source: (Lewiston, Maine) Sun Journal
Sun Is Too Round, Say Scientists
—Source: The Independent
—Source: The Independent
Puerto Rican Teen Named Mistress of the Universe
—Source: Associated Press
—Source: Associated Press
Police Charge One-Armed Man with Unarmed Robbery
—Source: Masslive.com
—Source: Masslive.com
Police Arrest Naked Man with Concealed Weapon
—Source: MSNBC.com; contributed by Linda Fabbri, Corbin, KY
—Source: MSNBC.com; contributed by Linda Fabbri, Corbin, KY
All-You-Can-Eat?
Pair Banned from All-You-Can-Eat Restaurant for Eating Too Much
—Source: Telegraph
Pair Banned from All-You-Can-Eat Restaurant for Eating Too Much
—Source: Telegraph
One-Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers
—Source: Tulsa World
—Source: Tulsa World
Unicorn Lair
North Korean Historical Institute Declares It Has Discovered Unicorn Lair Belonging to Founder of Ancient Kingdom
—Source: Daily Mail
North Korean Historical Institute Declares It Has Discovered Unicorn Lair Belonging to Founder of Ancient Kingdom
—Source: Daily Mail
Motorcyle Deaths Drop, but Trend Is Worrisome
—Source: Yahoo.com
—Source: Yahoo.com
Call the Search Party
Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself
—Source: Toronto Sun
Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself
—Source: Toronto Sun
Man Sues Wife for Being Ugly … and Wins
—Source: Fox 8 Cleveland
—Source: Fox 8 Cleveland
Man Married, Sentenced on Same Day
—Source: The Miami Herald
—Source: The Miami Herald
Man Executed After Long Speech
—Source: Boston Globe
—Source: Boston Globe
Man Denies Stealing FBI Car: “Just Here to Buy Cocaine”
—Source: TBO.com
—Source: TBO.com
Failed Breathalyzer Test
Local Man Fails Breathalyzer Test Despite Eating Underwear
-- Source: USA Today
Local Man Fails Breathalyzer Test Despite Eating Underwear
-- Source: USA Today
Lafayette Man Ticketed After Cat Refuses to Jog with Him
—Source: Denver Post
—Source: Denver Post
Lady Gaga Fan Dies at Concert, Recovers
—Source: The Tennessean
—Source: The Tennessean
Good Smell Perplexes New Yorkers
—Source: New York Times
—Source: New York Times
Scroll For More >>
Florida Man Dies After Winning Live Roach-Eating Contest
—Source: USA Today
—Source: USA Today
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
—Source: Tulsa World
—Source: Tulsa World
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
—Source: Register-Guard
—Source: Register-Guard
Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
—Source: LA Times
—Source: LA Times
Area Man Joins Organization
Area Man Joins Organization Where Nothing Much Ever Happens
—Source: Wall Street Journal
Area Man Joins Organization Where Nothing Much Ever Happens
—Source: Wall Street Journal
Angry Nepali Man Bites Cobra to Death in Revenge Attack
—Source: MSNBC
—Source: MSNBC
Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself
—Source: (Madison County, Illinois) Record
—Source: (Madison County, Illinois) Record
A Fat, Mustachioed Orphan Finds a Home
—Source: New York Times
—Source: New York Times
Ten Too Many
Pasco Man Arrested, Says 48 Beers Was Likely Ten Too Many
—Source: St. Petersburg Times
Pasco Man Arrested, Says 48 Beers Was Likely Ten Too Many
—Source: St. Petersburg Times
Hold the Presses!
Writing newspaper copy is an art form unseen in these real headlines:
“Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-Pound Ball on His Head”
“City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells”
“Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum”
“Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25”
“Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police”
“Hospitals Resort to Hiring Doctors”
Writing newspaper copy is an art form unseen in these real headlines: “Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-Pound Ball on His Head” “City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells”...
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendants
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Red Cross in Search of Donors With Low Blood Supply
—Source: Sandusky Register
—Source: Sandusky Register
Woman With Arms Held
—Source: Times of India
—Source: Times of India
Motorcycle Deaths Drop, But Trend Is Worrisome
—Source: Yahoo.com
—Source: Yahoo.com
Pasco Man Arrested, says 48 Beers Was Likely 10 Too Many
—Source: St. Petersburg Times
—Source: St. Petersburg Times
Lady Gaga Fan Dies at Concert, Recovers
—Source: The Tennessean
—Source: The Tennessean
Poverty, Hunger Go Together
—Source: The Advertiser (Bastrop, Texas); contributed by Jeneva Leifester, Bastrop, Texas
—Source: The Advertiser (Bastrop, Texas); contributed by Jeneva Leifester, Bastrop, Texas
Self-Proclaimed Invisible Man No Show at Court Hearing
—Source: The Daily Herald (Provo, Utah)
—Source: The Daily Herald (Provo, Utah)