Funny One-Liners

Steal these classic one-liner jokes, from experts in funny from Milton Berle to Conan O'Brien.

NEW FUNNY JOKES

Electricity is Really Just...

Electricity is really just organized…

It's Been Raining so Much in LA that...

It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that…

My Food's Food

"There must be a mistake: you've accidentally…

The Time Traveler Protest

T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES!…

I Hide Photos...

I hide photos on my computer of me petting…

Swimming is Confusing...

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes…

Every Time I Say That...

Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a…

I Don't Want To Say We Eat Out...

I don’t want to say we eat out 
a lot, but…

Taking The Cake

“You can’t have your cake and 
eat it…

A Beef With Tapas

Guess what, tapas: You’re the exact Venn…

Lunchtime MVP

Bacon was definitely the 
first-round draft…

Expired Logic

Why is there an expiration date on sour…

I Went To A Restaurant That Serves...

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast…

Untangling Earbuds Is The New...

On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new…

The Key To Eating Healthy...

The key to eating healthy is 
not eating any…

Next Time Someone Complains About...

Next time somebody complains about millennials…

I'd Like To Have A Kid...

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure…

Gigs In Space

Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she…

What Does it Mean if...

What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses…

If 13 is Unlucky...

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by…

Find a Penny, Pick it up...

Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll…

Today is Thursday the 13th...

Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s…

For Every Set of Horseshoes...

For every set of horseshoes human beings use for…

Research has Found...

Research has found that because it makes you…

Candied Scams

Where are all the Sour Patch…

Non-Belieber

“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next…

A chilling realization

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of…

The Latest Food Trend

I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza…

My wife says I’m unsophisticated...

My wife says I’m unsophisticated and…

I saw a documentary on...

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept…

When I was a child...

When I was a child my father attacked me with…

It’s weird that NFL players...

It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly…

I prefer the tight yoga pants...

I prefer the tight yoga pants football players…

Anyone who thinks women...

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never…

My dad didn’t text...

My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game…

The rules of football...

The rules of football and the plot of The…

Anyone who's just driven...

Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge…

There are only two types of computers...

There are only two types of computers in the…

I’d like the window...

I’d like the window that says “Are you sure…

A Digital Dictionary

User: the word computer professionals use when…

One can play...

“One can play at this game ...” —me to my…

Bark-alaureate of Fine Arts

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer…

The Latest Craze

Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny…

The Limits of Technology

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no…

A Mother’s Lament

Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has…

Tip from an Office Drone

I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to…

Words Save Lives

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I…

The Road to Recovery

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly…

Hut Glut

Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy…

New York Strait of Mind

"The New York City Department of Education says…

If Men Have a Smell...

If men have a smell, it's usually an…

The Meaning of Life

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they…

It's Not That I'm Afraid to Die...

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't…

It's Not That Small

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint…

If You Stop Eating Doughnuts...

If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three…

Founding Fallacy

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about…

If God Wanted us to Fly...

If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us…

A Little Levity

I'm reading a great book about antigravity—I…

Picketing Problem

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to…

The Beauty of the Dictionary

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a…

Why Babies Cry on Planes

I think one reason babies cry on planes is…

Philosophy Lesson

I think I am, therefore, I am. I…

I Saw a Wino...

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was…

I Never Use A Napkin...

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…

I Never Forget a Face...

I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be…

Why I Like Long Walks

I like long walks, especially when they are taken…

I Haven't Slept...

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would…

What a Ripoff

I bought some batteries, but they weren't…

I Always Wanted...

I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I…

Psychics Down On Their Luck?

Here's something to think about: How come you…

The Beauty of a Bookstore

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence…

Give Me Golf Clubs...

Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful…

So Math=The Devil

Equations are the devil's…

Don't Sweat the Petty Things

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the…

Clones

Clones are people two.

Highway Adoption

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell…

In Defense of Football

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge…

Pirate Logic

An aye for an aye makes the whole world…

Romance, Defined

A kiss is like a fight, with…

Freudian Slip

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but…

A Feminist Jumps Out of a Manhole

A feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she…

I Always Wanted to Be Somebody

I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I…

"Wait, What Time Is It??"

Hell hath no fury like a woman who has…

GPS, Don't Fail Me Now!

You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost…

It Came Back to Haunt Him

Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of…

A Diamond Key

People say that money is not the key to…

A Study in Contrasts

If you want to look young and thin, hang around…

Why Marriage is Difficult

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal…

Simplicity is Best

Never use a big word when a little filthy one…

It Was a Long Game

I set out to play golf with the intention of…

To Grandmother's House We Go

I know I want to have children while my parents…

The Young and the Restful

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that…

Trouble Remembering

I always have trouble remembering three things:…

Car Troubles

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is…

Seriously?

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her…

The Secret to Errands

Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at…

Fade Into Darkness

A day without sunshine is like, you know…

Here, Take My Money

You don't pay taxes—they take…

Sore Loser

Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or…

Sleep Walking

When they said to you at graduation “follow…