Funny One-Liners

Steal these classic one-liner jokes, from experts in funny from Milton Berle to Conan O'Brien.

NEW FUNNY JOKES

I Never Feel More...

I never feel more privileged 
than when I get…

Before LinkedIn...

Before LinkedIn, I didn’t know any…

Skip To The Good Part, Please

I wish people were like Internet videos and you…

LOLHumans.com

I bet cats have 
a secret website where they…

Hunter, Gatherer, Manager?

I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when…

Quip To Complete Purchase

I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and…

Killing Time Online

The only people who don’t click Skip on ads…

Every Marriage Needs A Spin Doctor

My wife told me that I twist everything she says…

That's What I Call 'Force Quit'

I’m thinking of opening a firing range where…

The Airborne Obnoxious Event

“Ohhh, bless you … Bless you … Riiiight…

The Only Qualification...

The only qualification for working at an airline…

Catch and Retweet

Give a man a fish, and he’ll 
Instagram it;…

I Invented a New Word:

plagiarism. Submitted by M. R.

Psyched Out

I spent four years in 
college. I didn’t…

Honestly Kind of Fugly Abe

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this…

Speak Softly, Kick Gently

If you could kick the person in the pants…

Five-Finger Flip-Flop

Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my…

Wake The Prez

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in…

Right to Ignore

Being president is like 
running a cemetery:…

Gorgeous George

I don’t think George 
Clooney has 
a…

Lower Your Ears

Haircuts are great because I did none of the work…

Portable Primping

People always ask me how long 
it takes to do…

Camera Nostalgia

One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said…

Trappiest Place on Earth

A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland…

How Hot Was It?

It was so hot in Beverly Hills, 
people were…

A Unified Assault

Hold, Brothers, Hold ... CHARGE!!! (Ice at the…

"Dad?"

“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano Sam…

Father's Day is Important Because...

Father’s Day is important because, besides…

I Gave My Father $100...

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself…

I Got All My Looks...

I got all my looks from my father. Mostly just…

You're Never Alone

If you’re the sole survivor of the Apocalypse…

The Burn of Solitude

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to…

Cats Are Smarter

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight…

How Lazy is He???

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars…

A Dog is More Than A Friend

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we…

A Genius Solution

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's…

Law of Diminishing Returns

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some…

Electricity is Really Just...

Electricity is really just organized…

It's Been Raining so Much in LA that...

It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that…

My Food's Food

"There must be a mistake: you've accidentally…

The Time Traveler Protest

T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES!…

I Hide Photos...

I hide photos on my computer of me petting…

Swimming is Confusing...

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes…

Every Time I Say That...

Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a…

I Don't Want To Say We Eat Out...

I don’t want to say we eat out 
a lot, but…

Taking The Cake

“You can’t have your cake and 
eat it…

A Beef With Tapas

Guess what, tapas: You’re the exact Venn…

Lunchtime MVP

Bacon was definitely the 
first-round draft…

Expired Logic

Why is there an expiration date on sour…

I Went To A Restaurant That Serves...

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast…

Untangling Earbuds Is The New...

On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new…

The Key To Eating Healthy...

The key to eating healthy is 
not eating any…

Next Time Someone Complains About...

Next time somebody complains about millennials…

I'd Like To Have A Kid...

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure…

Gigs In Space

Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she…

Composing An Insult

How classical maestros also used their batons to…

What Does it Mean if...

What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses…

If 13 is Unlucky...

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by…

Find a Penny, Pick it up...

Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll…

Today is Thursday the 13th...

Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s…

For Every Set of Horseshoes...

For every set of horseshoes human beings use for…

Research has Found...

Research has found that because it makes you…

Candied Scams

Where are all the Sour Patch…

Non-Belieber

“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next…

A chilling realization

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of…

The Latest Food Trend

I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza…

My wife says I’m unsophisticated...

My wife says I’m unsophisticated and…

I saw a documentary on...

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept…

When I was a child...

When I was a child my father attacked me with…

It’s weird that NFL players...

It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly…

I prefer the tight yoga pants...

I prefer the tight yoga pants football players…

Anyone who thinks women...

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never…

My dad didn’t text...

My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game…

The rules of football...

The rules of football and the plot of The…

Anyone who's just driven...

Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge…

There are only two types of computers...

There are only two types of computers in the…

I’d like the window...

I’d like the window that says “Are you sure…

A Digital Dictionary

User: the word computer professionals use when…

One can play...

“One can play at this game ...” —me to my…

Bark-alaureate of Fine Arts

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer…

The Latest Craze

Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny…

The Limits of Technology

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no…

A Mother’s Lament

Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has…

Tip from an Office Drone

I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to…

Words Save Lives

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I…

The Road to Recovery

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly…

Hut Glut

Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy…

New York Strait of Mind

"The New York City Department of Education says…

If Men Have a Smell...

If men have a smell, it's usually an…

The Meaning of Life

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they…

It's Not That I'm Afraid to Die...

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't…

It's Not That Small

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint…

If You Stop Eating Doughnuts...

If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three…

Founding Fallacy

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about…

If God Wanted us to Fly...

If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us…

A Little Levity

I'm reading a great book about antigravity—I…

Picketing Problem

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to…

The Beauty of the Dictionary

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a…

Why Babies Cry on Planes

I think one reason babies cry on planes is…

Philosophy Lesson

I think I am, therefore, I am. I…