Funny One-Liners

Steal these classic one-liner jokes, from experts in funny from Milton Berle to Conan O'Brien.

NEW FUNNY JOKES

A Colorful Diet

My parents used to stuff 
me with candy when I…

The Better Paleo Diet

I’m on the Paleo diet, 
except I’m the…

You Are What Your Eat

I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped…

A Holiday Quiz

“Pretend to be someone you’re 
not, and…

I'm a Busy Ghost, People

People always ask kids the same stupid questions…

A Fun-Size Quibble

When it comes 
to candy bars, the term…

The Face of Deception

“I have a beard.” —a bald-faced liar Myq…

The Real Reason For Shaving Cream

Do you think shaving cream really softens your…

When is Your Beard Too 
Long?

When the comments 
turn from “Hey! I really…

Facial Deduction

Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me…

Pick a 'Vember, Any 'Vember

While you’re honoring Movember by not shaving…

The Spirit of Movember

I won’t be shaving this November, in order to…

Miles and Gigabytes Away

Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But…

Air Force Truisms

“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone…

Terrified: The Only Way to Fly

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a…

A Moment of Reflection

I shave each morning in front 
of my car’s…

Start Over, Por Favor?

After 12 years of therapy, 
my psychiatrist…

From Your Lips to God's...Lips

In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you…

Prepare for Takeoff

Did you know a bird is the only animal that you…

Projecting Happiness

One hard thing to explain to teens is how…

Doing The Man Dance

If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line…

The Maximum-Security Bathroom

If a company’s most valuable 
resource is its…

Militant Roaches

I’m convinced my cockroaches have military…

A Watched Pot Never Boils...

A watched pot never boils, but it does get…

If Truth Be Beauty...

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their…

If You Can't Beat 'Em...

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them…

Where There's A Will...

Where there’s a will, there’s a…

A Penny Saved...

A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in…

Tech-No-Limits

Can a 3-D printer make ink 
cartridges for a…

The Other Mortal Coils

I told the kids I never want to 
live in a…

Iced to Eat You

Happy One-year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in…

Wax On, Mouth Off

Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting…

I Never Feel More...

I never feel more privileged 
than when I get…

Before LinkedIn...

Before LinkedIn, I didn’t know any…

Skip To The Good Part, Please

I wish people were like Internet videos and you…

LOLHumans.com

I bet cats have 
a secret website where they…

Hunter, Gatherer, Manager?

I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when…

Quip To Complete Purchase

I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and…

Killing Time Online

The only people who don’t click Skip on ads…

Every Marriage Needs A Spin Doctor

My wife told me that I twist everything she says…

That's What I Call 'Force Quit'

I’m thinking of opening a firing range where…

The Airborne Obnoxious Event

“Ohhh, bless you … Bless you … Riiiight…

The Only Qualification...

The only qualification for working at an airline…

Catch and Retweet

Give a man a fish, and he’ll 
Instagram it;…

I Invented a New Word:

plagiarism. Submitted by M. R.

Psyched Out

I spent four years in 
college. I didn’t…

Honestly Kind of Fugly Abe

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this…

Speak Softly, Kick Gently

If you could kick the person in the pants…

Five-Finger Flip-Flop

Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my…

Wake The Prez

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in…

Right to Ignore

Being president is like 
running a cemetery:…

Gorgeous George

I don’t think George 
Clooney has 
a…

Lower Your Ears

Haircuts are great because I did none of the work…

Portable Primping

People always ask me how long 
it takes to do…

Camera Nostalgia

One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said…

Trappiest Place on Earth

A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland…

How Hot Was It?

It was so hot in Beverly Hills, 
people were…

A Unified Assault

Hold, Brothers, Hold ... CHARGE!!! (Ice at the…

"Dad?"

“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano Sam…

Father's Day is Important Because...

Father’s Day is important because, besides…

I Gave My Father $100...

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself…

I Got All My Looks...

I got all my looks from my father. Mostly just…

You're Never Alone

If you’re the sole survivor of the Apocalypse…

The Burn of Solitude

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to…

Cats Are Smarter

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight…

How Lazy is He???

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars…

A Dog is More Than A Friend

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we…

A Genius Solution

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's…

Law of Diminishing Returns

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some…

Electricity is Really Just...

Electricity is really just organized…

It's Been Raining so Much in LA that...

It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that…

My Food's Food

"There must be a mistake: you've accidentally…

The Time Traveler Protest

T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES!…

I Hide Photos...

I hide photos on my computer of me petting…

Swimming is Confusing...

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes…

Every Time I Say That...

Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a…

I Don't Want To Say We Eat Out...

I don’t want to say we eat out 
a lot, but…

Taking The Cake

“You can’t have your cake and 
eat it…

A Beef With Tapas

Guess what, tapas: You’re the exact Venn…

Lunchtime MVP

Bacon was definitely the 
first-round draft…

Expired Logic

Why is there an expiration date on sour…

I Went To A Restaurant That Serves...

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast…

Untangling Earbuds Is The New...

On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new…

The Key To Eating Healthy...

The key to eating healthy is 
not eating any…

Next Time Someone Complains About...

Next time somebody complains about millennials…

I'd Like To Have A Kid...

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure…

Gigs In Space

Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she…

Composing An Insult

How classical maestros also used their batons to…

What Does it Mean if...

What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses…

If 13 is Unlucky...

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by…

Find a Penny, Pick it up...

Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll…

Today is Thursday the 13th...

Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s…

For Every Set of Horseshoes...

For every set of horseshoes human beings use for…

Research has Found...

Research has found that because it makes you…

Candied Scams

Where are all the Sour Patch…

Non-Belieber

“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next…

A chilling realization

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of…

The Latest Food Trend

I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza…

My wife says I’m unsophisticated...

My wife says I’m unsophisticated and…

I saw a documentary on...

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept…