Spotted on a Laundromat corkboard: “Please keep clothes on while doing laundry.” —Sue Connor
Funny Quotes
Our collection of hilarious quotes will have everyone laughing.
These funny quotes and sayings may have been coined by someone else, but their funny motivational quotes and witty words will make everyone laugh!
Scroll For More >>
Steve Martin on Success
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
Steve Martin
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
Steve Martin
Gore Vidal on The Four Most Beautiful Words
The four most beautiful words in our common language:
I told you so.
Gore Vidal
The four most beautiful words in our common language:
I told you so.
Gore Vidal
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
- Animal Jokes
- Animal Puns
- Bad Puns
- Bar Jokes
- Birthday Jokes
- Cat Jokes
- Cat Puns
- Christmas Jokes
- Coffee Jokes
- Computer Jokes
- Corny Jokes
- Customer Service Jokes
- Cute Puns
- Dad Jokes
- Daily Life Jokes
- Diet Jokes
- Doctor Jokes
- Dog Jokes
- Dog Puns
- Dumb and Funny Jokes
- Easter Jokes
- Family Jokes
- Food Jokes
- Food Puns
- Funny Headlines
- Funny Quotes
- Funny Stories
- Halloween Jokes for Kids
- Holiday Jokes
- Kids’ Jokes
- Knock-Knock Jokes
- Lawyer Jokes
- Love Jokes
- Marriage Jokes
- Math Jokes
- Math Puns
- Military Jokes
- Mom Jokes
- Money Jokes
- Music Puns
- Office Jokes
- Old Age Jokes
- One-Liners
- Political Jokes
- Puns
- Relationship Jokes
- Religious Jokes
- Riddles
- Santa Jokes
- School Jokes
- Science Jokes
- Skeleton Puns
- Sports Jokes
- Text Jokes
- Thanksgiving Jokes
- Travel Jokes
- Turkey Jokes
- Valentine’s Day Jokes
- Weather Jokes
- Weight Loss Jokes
SEE ALL CATEGORIES
Scroll For More >>
Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
Bonnie McFarlane
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane
Steven Wright on Language Tapes
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
Tom Parry on Folk Wisdom
Red sky at night, shepherd’s
delight. Blue sky at night, day.
Humorist Tom Parry
Red sky at night, shepherd’s
delight. Blue sky at night, day.
Humorist Tom Parry
A Businessman On Perfection…
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
Businessman Stanley Randall
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
Businessman Stanley Randall
The Smell of Confusion
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
@bridger_w
(Bridger Winegar)
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? @bridger_w (Bridger...
Reading The Fifth
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...”
Demetri Martin
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...”
Demetri Martin
Couch Potatoes, Take Heart
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
@longwall26
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
@longwall26
Jay Leno on Pet Scams
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Jay Leno
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is...
Rita Rudner on The Perks of Dog Ownership
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
Antisocial Media
Hate to break it to you,
Facebook, but the entire Internet
is already a Dislike button.
@JoshGroban
Hate to break it to you,
Facebook, but the entire Internet
is already a Dislike button.
@JoshGroban
Bloody Good Question
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have
a huge clock right in the middle
of the town.
Jimmy Kimmel
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have
a huge clock right in the middle
of the town.
Jimmy Kimmel
Margin of Error
Here’s some advice: At a job
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
Here’s some advice: At a job
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
What it’s Like to Work in Fashion
New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what
it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag;
is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’”
Source: cosmopolitan.com
New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and...
When a Black Hole Crosses Your Path
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
anonymous
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
anonymous
Paula Poundstone on Over-Sharing
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
Paula Poundstone
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
Paula Poundstone
Groucho Marx on Make Outs
Whoever named
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
Whoever named
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
Jay Leno on Twinkies
General Mills
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?
Jay Leno
General Mills
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?
Jay Leno
Poor Sport
Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Robert Brault on Halloween
I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
—Robert Brault
I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
—Robert Brault
David Letterman on Halloween
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
—David Letterman
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
—David Letterman
“Come Out With Your Pants Up!”
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law.
—Jerry Seinfeld
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law.
—Jerry Seinfeld
Drunkard’s Law
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.”
—Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.”
—Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
Despite All His Rage…
Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.”
From Rolling Stone
Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock...
Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial
There's no “I” in denial.
Peter Serafinowicz
There's no “I” in denial.
Peter Serafinowicz
A Tough Question, by Jay Leno
How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Jay Leno
How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Jay Leno
A Tough Question, by Jon Stewart
If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
Jon Stewart
If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
Jon Stewart
A Tough Question, by Jerry Seinfeld
What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?
Jerry Seinfeld
What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?
Jerry Seinfeld
A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell
a highway it’s adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell
a highway it’s adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
A Tough Question, by George Carlin
What should you do when
you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?
George Carlin
What should you do when
you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?
George Carlin
Hotel Time-Travel
A hotel minibar allows you to
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
Comedian Rich Hall
A hotel minibar allows you to
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
Comedian Rich Hall
Maggie Smith on Annoying People
There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.
Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith),
on Downton Abbey
There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.
Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith),
on Downton Abbey
Stephen Colbert on Internships
Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.
Stephen Colbert
Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.
Stephen Colbert
Fractured Fairy Tales
• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson
(@kolchak)
• I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”? —Ricky Gervais
• Cinderella’s
fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and
a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
• Old McDonald was dyslexic,
I-E-I-E-O. —Billy Connolly
• And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was. —@andrewhibbard
• My wife said she wanted
a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —@tonycowards
• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson (@kolchak) • I have never worked out the moral...
The Meaning of War
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Comedian Paul Rodriguez
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Comedian Paul Rodriguez
Sarah Silverman on Cleaning House
My kitchen floor is sticky, and
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
Sarah Silverman
My kitchen floor is sticky, and
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
Sarah Silverman
Zach Galifianakis on Laundry
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Zach Galifianakis
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Zach Galifianakis
Megan Amram on Mystery
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
@meganamram
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
@meganamram
Hedberg on Highlights
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
Airport Insecurity
The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.
“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan
“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through
security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show
The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with...
Notable Never-isms
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
• Never board
a commercial
aircraft if the
pilot is wearing
a tank top. —Dave Barry
• Never be in a
hurry to terminate a marriage. You
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin
Crisp
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for...
Mazel Tov, Mary!
Christmas is a baby shower that
went totally
overboard.
Andy Borowitz
Christmas is a baby shower that
went totally
overboard.
Andy Borowitz
Christmas Freedom
The holiday
season:
a deeply religious
time that each of us
observes, in his own way, by going to the
mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
The holiday
season:
a deeply religious
time that each of us
observes, in his own way, by going to the
mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
Insulting Santa
This mall
Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.
Conan O'Brien
This mall
Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.
Conan O'Brien
Scroll For More >>
Say it With Your Pants
Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.
David Letterman
Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. David Letterman
Or Maybe While Breakdancing
The worst time to have a heart
attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart
attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
A Colorful Diet
My parents used to stuff
me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.
Wendy Liebman
My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. Wendy...
You Are What Your Eat
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
Rob O’Reilly
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
Rob O’Reilly
I'm a Busy Ghost, People
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”
I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?
Jerry Seinfeld
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?...
A Fun-Size Quibble
When it comes
to candy bars, the term fun-sized
is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are:
“disappointment-sized.”
Jimmy Kimmel
When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call...
A Thanksgiving Problem
When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.
@ConanOBrien
When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.
@ConanOBrien
A Watched Pot Never Boils…
A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.
Lesley Wake
A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.
Lesley Wake
If Truth Be Beauty…
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?
Lily Tomlin
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?
Lily Tomlin
If You Can't Beat 'Em…
If you can’t beat them, arrange
to have them beaten.
George Carlin
If you can’t beat them, arrange
to have them beaten.
George Carlin
Where There's A Will…
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
Ricky Gervais
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
Ricky Gervais
A Method to His Mitchness
The late comedian Mitch
Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and
I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.”
The late comedian Mitch Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen,...
Psyched Out
I spent four years in
college. I didn’t learn
a thing. It was really
my own fault. I had
a double major
in psychology
and reverse
psychology.
B. J. Novak, who says he was
hired as a writer
for The Office
on the strength
of the joke above.
I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology. B. J. Novak,...
Honestly Kind of Fugly Abe
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
Speak Softly, Kick Gently
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for
a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for
a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
Five-Finger Flip-Flop
Give me a one-handed economist!
All my
economists say, “On the one hand ...
on the other.”
Harry Truman
Give me a one-handed economist!
All my
economists say, “On the one hand ...
on the other.”
Harry Truman
Wake The Prez
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
—Ronald Reagan
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
—Ronald Reagan
Right to Ignore
Being president is like
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
Bill Clinton
Being president is like
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
Bill Clinton
Portable Primping
People always ask me how long
it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there.
Dolly Parton
People always ask me how long
it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there.
Dolly Parton
Camera Nostalgia
One time, a guy handed me a
picture and said, “Here’s a picture
of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. Comedian Mitch...
When I Was a Boy of 14…
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21,
I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I...
Father’s Day is Important Because…
Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.
Jimmy Fallon
Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.
Jimmy Fallon
I Gave My Father $100…
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Rita Rudner
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Rita Rudner
The Burn of Solitude
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
@jimmykimmel
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
@jimmykimmel
Cats Are Smarter
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
—Jeff Valdez
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
—Jeff Valdez
How Lazy is He???
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
—Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
—Rodney Dangerfield
A Dog is More Than A Friend
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum...
—Elayne Boosler
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum...
—Elayne Boosler