Funny Quotes

Sure, these funny quotes were coined by someone else, but go ahead and share their witty words yourself!

NEW FUNNY JOKES

Or Maybe While Breakdancing

The worst time to have a heart 
attack is…

A Colorful Diet

My parents used to stuff 
me with candy when I…

You Are What Your Eat

I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped…

I'm a Busy Ghost, People

People always ask kids the same stupid questions…

A Fun-Size Quibble

When it comes 
to candy bars, the term…

A Thanksgiving Problem

When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking…

A Watched Pot Never Boils...

A watched pot never boils, but it does get…

If Truth Be Beauty...

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their…

If You Can't Beat 'Em...

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them…

Where There's A Will...

Where there’s a will, there’s a…

A Method to His Mitchness

The late comedian Mitch 
Hedberg said that he…

Psyched Out

I spent four years in 
college. I didn’t…

Honestly Kind of Fugly Abe

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this…

Speak Softly, Kick Gently

If you could kick the person in the pants…

Five-Finger Flip-Flop

Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my…

Wake The Prez

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in…

Right to Ignore

Being president is like 
running a cemetery:…

Portable Primping

People always ask me how long 
it takes to do…

Camera Nostalgia

One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said…

When I Was a Boy of 14...

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so…

Father's Day is Important Because...

Father’s Day is important because, besides…

I Gave My Father $100...

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself…

The Burn of Solitude

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to…

Cats Are Smarter

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight…

How Lazy is He???

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars…

A Dog is More Than A Friend

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we…

Don't Knock the Weather.

Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change…

Electricity is Really Just...

Electricity is really just organized…

It's Been Raining so Much in LA that...

It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that…

If I'm on the Course and Lightning Starts...

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I…

Why Does Moisture Destroy...

Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s…

My Food's Food

"There must be a mistake: you've accidentally…

Swimming is Confusing...

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes…

I Don't Want To Say We Eat Out...

I don’t want to say we eat out 
a lot, but…

Expired Logic

Why is there an expiration date on sour…

I Went To A Restaurant That Serves...

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast…

The Key To Eating Healthy...

The key to eating healthy is 
not eating any…

Composing An Insult

How classical maestros also used their batons to…

What Does it Mean if...

What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses…

If 13 is Unlucky...

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by…

Find a Penny, Pick it up...

Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll…

Today is Thursday the 13th...

Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s…

For Every Set of Horseshoes...

For every set of horseshoes human beings use for…

Research has Found...

Research has found that because it makes you…

Candied Scams

Where are all the Sour Patch…

A chilling realization

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of…

Explaining Appetizers

It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain…

I saw a documentary on...

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept…

When I was a child...

When I was a child my father attacked me with…

Anyone who thinks women...

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never…

Anyone who's just driven...

Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge…

There are only two types of computers...

There are only two types of computers in the…

I’d like the window...

I’d like the window that says “Are you sure…

A Digital Dictionary

User: the word computer professionals use when…

One can play...

“One can play at this game ...” —me to my…

Bark-alaureate of Fine Arts

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer…

The Latest Craze

Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny…

The Limits of Technology

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no…

Teach A Man to Kvetch...

Comedian Daniel Tosh is no fan 
of the…

Words Save Lives

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I…

New York Strait of Mind

"The New York City Department of Education says…

If Men Have a Smell...

If men have a smell, it's usually an…

The Meaning of Life

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they…

It's Not That I'm Afraid to Die...

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't…

It's Not That Small

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint…

If You Stop Eating Doughnuts...

If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three…

Founding Fallacy

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about…

If God Wanted us to Fly...

If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us…

Picketing Problem

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to…

The Beauty of the Dictionary

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a…

Why Babies Cry on Planes

I think one reason babies cry on planes is…

Philosophy Lesson

I think I am, therefore, I am. I…

I Saw a Wino...

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was…

I Never Use A Napkin...

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…

I Never Forget a Face...

I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be…

Why I Like Long Walks

I like long walks, especially when they are taken…

I Haven't Slept...

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would…

What a Ripoff

I bought some batteries, but they weren't…

Psychics Down On Their Luck?

Here's something to think about: How come you…

The Beauty of a Bookstore

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence…

Give Me Golf Clubs...

Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful…

So Math=The Devil

Equations are the devil's…

Highway Adoption

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell…

In Defense of Football

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge…

Romance, Defined

A kiss is like a fight, with…

A Feminist Jumps Out of a Manhole

A feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she…

"Wait, What Time Is It??"

Hell hath no fury like a woman who has…

'Tis The Season...Isn't It?

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you…

Diet: Day Two

The second day of a diet is always easier than…

Doctor's Orders

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your…

It Came Back to Haunt Him

Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of…

A Diamond Key

People say that money is not the key to…

Man's Best Friend

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend…

A Study in Contrasts

If you want to look young and thin, hang around…

Why Marriage is Difficult

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal…

16 Feet Later

You can measure distance by time. "How far away…

Simplicity is Best

Never use a big word when a little filthy one…

Don't Mess With Grandma

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried…

Give Them a Chance First

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He…

It Was a Long Game

I set out to play golf with the intention of…