Holiday Jokes

These holiday "headlines" — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth. Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings Study Finds Link Between Red Wine…

My friend reviewed her young son's fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: "At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____." His response: "Receipts."

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You can't do that," argued my…

In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine's Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.…

Mother's Day is nigh, so we're loath to say this: Mothers aren't perfect. Here they admit it: "My son knows he's not allowed downstairs until 9 a.m. Reason? He's been told that between 8 and 9 a.m., Mommy's fighting the…

A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. "You cheap bum!" she yells. "This isn’t even real." "I know," he says. "But…

I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. "In order to get in," he tells them, "you must each produce something representative of the holidays." The first man digs into his…

From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan."

My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter. "So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who's coming to…