Mom Jokes

Newest Jokes

For Mother’s Day: My Mom Taught Me …

Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!”

Source: thestir.cafemom.com

A Risk For All Seasons

My mother was rushed to the 
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.

Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”

Betty Heim-Campbell, Fairhope, Alabama

MSW?!
(Mom say what?!)

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots 
of Love. I have to call everyone back.

~

Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.

Mom: WTF!

Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?

Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.

~
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?

Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.

Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.

Source: lifebuzz.com

Planedemonium

The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved 
reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”

Samantha Earls, Wister, Oklahoma

Jimmy Fallon Asked For Embarrassing Texts From Moms…

I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.”
@StefenColalillo

On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to 
abbreviate, Mom.
@HollyLouHarris

My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.”
@stefaniLegs

Founding Mothers

“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill he’d 
gotten as a present.

“That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?”

Pointing to Andrew Jackson’s face in the middle, he said, “Because her picture is on it.”

Andi Olson, Avondale, Arizona

Young Help

In an attempt to balance work and motherhood, I delegated the grocery shopping to my young babysitter. But the job proved a tad daunting. One day while I was at work, she texted me from the supermarket. “Can’t find Brillo pads,” she wrote. “All they have are Tampax and Kotex.”

Just Visiting

My mom moved into a new condo, and I went to visit for a couple of days. Searching for a coffee cup one morning, I sighed, “It seems like I’m always looking for something in your kitchen.”

“That’s good,” Mom said. When I looked confused, she explained, “Because when you know where to look, it’s time to go home.”

Mom's Movie Reviews

Renting a film? Check My Mom’s Movie Review, where comic Lauren Palmigiano’s mother gives her opinions.

Burlesque
Oh. My. God. Loved it. I will watch this 100 times. If I’m in jail and they ask what I want for my last meal—I’ll say, "The Burlesque DVD and lobster."

The Town
I thought it was the Betty White movie, so I was very surprised when I saw it was the Ben Affleck movie. Actually, I didn’t understand a lot of what they were saying because they had the thickest Boston accents I’ve ever heard. It sounded like a foreign language, but I know it was English.

Shutter Island
I thought it was going to be really scary. But I only screamed one time. A one-screamer. Leonardo DiCaprio’s hair in the movie looks terrible. They gave him a bowl cut. He has a tiny Band-Aid on his forehead. They never explain why it’s there. Maybe he had a pimple.

The Final Fix

I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: “Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed.”

Family Ties

My coworker at the hotel was miserable at his job and was desperately searching for a new one.

"Why don’t you work for your mother?" I suggested.

He shook his head. "I can’t," he said. "Her company has a very strict policy against hiring relatives."

"Who made up that ridiculous rule?"

"My mother."

Meeting Mom

My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his hypercritical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn’t tell his mom which one he intended to marry.

After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess which one I want to marry?"

"The one with short hair."

"Yes! How’d you know?"

"Because that’s the one I didn’t like."

Eat the Colors

Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colorful meal to my family. "The more colors, the more variety of nutrients," I told them. Pointing to our food, I asked, "How many different colors do you see?"

"Six," volunteered my daughter. "Seven if you count the burned parts."

Family Matters

“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend.

“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.”

“What happened?”

“My father couldn’t stand her.”

Mother-in-Law Suite

My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."

Mom's Call

I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.

"Hi!" It was my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.

"Mom," I interrupted. "It’s five in the morning."

"Really? What are you doing up so early?"

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