Political Jokes

Newest Jokes

The Best of The Onion Magazine Covers

• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work

• The 100 Worst Senators

• The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion and Lindsay Lohan

Source: The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers That Transformed an Undeserving World (Little, Brown)

Parenting Fads According to The Onion

The latest parenting fads, 
according to the Onion:

• Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become 
a partner in a successful law firm.

• Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.

• As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.

Airport Insecurity

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.

“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan

“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through 
security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show

Notable Never-isms

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford

• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine

• Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry

• Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck

• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 

Incumbent Imbecile

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, 
recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a 
woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had 
bought her a beer.

“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”

“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”

James Landis, 
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Names For Groups You Never Knew

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups:
• A brat of boys
• A giggle of girls
• A stagger of drunks
• A tedium of accountants
• A stitch of doctors
• A whine of losers
• A jerk of politicians

Popular NSA Pick-Up Lines

“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”


“I’d tap that.”


“I know exactly where you have been all my life.”

From #NSAPickUpLines

More Jokes

Keep the laughs coming every week!

Get our hilarious Funny Reads newsletter

how we use your e-mail