The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.
The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.
Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.
“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”
“I blame the players,” said the second fan. “If they made more of an effort, we’d score some points.”
“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle, I’d be supporting a decent team.”
The topic of my student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among football
players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a bunch of pre-Madonnas out there on the field.”
Michele Metcalf, Louisville, Kentucky
I recently stumbled upon
my favorite new sports team. It’s
a woman’s bowling squad called
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter.
Jacqueline Tessman, Benton Harbor, Michigan
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Comedian Demetri Martin
Bacon was definitely the first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce.
It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly look at their phones to check their stats.
I prefer the tight yoga pants football players wear over the frumpy businesswoman slacks baseball players wear.
Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show.
My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game, which is basically a Life Alert signal if you’re from New England.
The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is.
Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands.
During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete.
“No, I’m not,” I assured him.
“Yeah, you probably prefer men who eat quiche,” he joked.
“Actually, I prefer men who can spell quiche.”
Lynn Ahlgrim-Delzell,Mount Holly, North Carolina
“I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this more interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”
I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
When my 15-year-old son, Pat, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, “Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!” After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. “Oh, I get it — Pat Hogan!”
I already regret my choice of Juilliard to win the NCAA.
The reason women don’t play football is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave him his business card and told him to stop by for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and handed it to him. The … Read More
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.
In honor of our armed forces, the University of South Carolina football team used the backs of players’ jerseys to display a little patriotism. They placed words like Duty, Service, Courage, and Commitment where players’ names would … Read More
Read our funniest jokes just in time for the Super Bowl.
While I was working security at a football game, a fan spilled beer on a cheerleader’s pop-poms. As a favor, I rinsed them off in the men’s room. As I shook off the water, someone came out of a stall. Stunned, he announced, "That’s the… Read More
I’m not good at sports, but I like parallel parking. Unlike sports, the worse you are at parallel parking, the more people you have rooting for you.
One of the players on our junior high football team never saw action in a game. But my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep talks. "Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an … Read More
I was sprawled on the living-room couch watching my favorite show on the Food Network when my husband walked in. "Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don’t even cook." Glaring back at him, I asked, "… Read More
Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. "What a terrible day," he tells his wife. "Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee." "Oh, that’s awful!" she says. "You’re not kidding," says Fred. &… Read More
Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken. "No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since … Read More
Q: How do you say "Michael Phelps" in Chinese? A: Ka Ching.
When the patient was wheeled into the emergency room, I could tell he was out of it. I asked if he knew the date. He didn’t. "Do you know what season it is?" He thought a moment. "Baseball?"
1. Petty Theft
Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with “Property of Central High School” emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch … Read More
Football finally makes sense. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience."Oh, I really liked it," … Read More
Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman."Did you play sports in college, Mike?" his wife then asked me."Yes," I answered."I was on West… Read More
Our high school has lots of spirit, but that didn’t help the football team, who had yet to win a game. So when our principal saw some cheerleaders sitting in the stands, he asked, "Don’t you think you girls should be down there … Read More
I was sitting behind an enthusiastic mom at my son’s Little League game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after wild pitch. The poor kid walked every batter. It was only the first inning and … Read More
As a high-school football coach, I’m aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn’t home… Read More
As a Catholic, I’m partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college teams. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in while I was watching Notre Dame vs. Michigan State. "… Read More
Driving home dejected from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, after a Mississippi-Louisiana State college football game that Ole Miss had lost 24-0, I was ignoring the speed limit and, sure enough, a Louisiana patrolman flagged me down. "You’ve … Read More
My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.
Weeks later I asked how … Read More
About to have a blood test, I nervously waited while the nurse tightened a tourniquet around my arm. "I understand you’re from Oklahoma," she said. "Are you a Sooners fan?" "Absolutely!" I replied. "Well,&… Read More
A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.After a month … Read More
On a Saturday afternoon when football fever was running high in South Bend, Indiana, a Notre Dame student was brought into the hospital where I was on duty as a nurse. He had acute appendicitis, and as I prepared him for surgery I asked if … Read More
Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school’s football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn’t move.We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach … Read More
I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team’s expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket holder. One day they held the drawing just as I was stepping up to bat. … Read More
It was the first day of basketball practice at Wingate high school in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack Kaminer handed a ball to each player. "Fellas," he said, "I want you to practice shooting from the spots you might expect to be … Read More
Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw.Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "… Read More
Blood may be thicker than water, but baseball beats them both. I learned this after explaining to my two boys that they were half-Lithuanian on their father’s side, and half-Yankee, meaning their other set of parents came from an old New … Read More