A first-grade teacher can’t
believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”
After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.”
“What’s your word?” the host
“Bored out of my mind,” said the caller.
From Sports Illustrated
Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.
Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.
“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”
“I blame the players,” said the
second fan. “If they made more of
an effort, we’d score some points.”
“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle,
I’d be supporting a decent team.”
The topic of my student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among football
players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a bunch of pre-Madonnas out there on the field.”
Michele Metcalf, Louisville, Kentucky
I recently stumbled upon
my favorite new sports team. It’s
a woman’s bowling squad called
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter.
Benton Harbor, Michigan
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Comedian Demetri Martin
Bacon was definitely the
first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce.
It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly look at their phones to check their stats.
I prefer the tight yoga pants football players wear over the frumpy businesswoman slacks baseball players wear.
Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show.
My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game, which is basically a Life Alert signal if you’re from New England.
The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most
complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is.
Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands.
During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete.
“No, I’m not,” I assured him.
“Yeah, you probably prefer men who eat quiche,” he joked.
“Actually, I prefer men who can spell quiche.”
Lynn Ahlgrim-Delzell,Mount Holly, North Carolina
“I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this more interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”
I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.