Is it Wrong to Correct Others?

You've got questions, Jeanne Marie Laskas has answers.

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Question
I'm a pretty knowledgeable guy and one of those people who like to put things straight, so I tend to correct others when their facts, opinions or pronunciations of words are wrong. It's become automatic with me, an instinct really. But recently, some friends have started to avoid me. When I cornered them to find out why, each mumbled some lame excuse and ran off. But I'm beginning to suspect it's because I got a rep as a Big Bad Corrector. What should I do?
-- Mr. Right

Dear Mr. Right,
Dude, you're wrong. And you're boring. Correcting others is not an instinct. It's a bad habit—and apparently a really annoying one to your pals who are finally running for the hills. Do you want friends, or do you want to be a tiresome know-it-all everyone avoids? It's your choice. Try a little mind experiment. When you feel the "instinct" coming on, imagine a red stop sign and put the brakes on your tongue. (Remember: Friends don't make friends feel stupid.)
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Question
A dear older lady often babysits our three children. We're fairly well-off, and she is someone who struggles financially, yet each time she comes, she brings darling little gifts for our kids. I hate to see her spending her hard-earned money on us. How can I tell her I don't want her to go out of her way for them? Or should I just let things go, knowing she probably takes some pleasure in giving the kids gifts?
-- Grateful

Dear Grateful,
Don't deprive her of the joy she might get from giving to your children. Instead, explore the pleasure of surprising her with generous tips. And teach your children the gift of giving, by returning favors to her.

Question
At my company, you have to get permission to get permission, then file it in triplicate. Once a year, the bosses gather onstage to urge us to "break down the barriers to creativity." Then they climb back up the corporate ladder to gaze at one another's navels. I've got a great idea, but how do I leap the barrier?
-- Vaulter

Dear Vaulter,
Look, if it were up to me, I'd give you the pole to vault on out of that place. But employment is a good thing, and I'm assuming you want to stay in the game. Sounds like your navel-gazers, like most, need to remember how to listen. Give them something to listen to. Schedule an appointment with your supervisor. Talk up some good ideas that can work across office boundaries and help the company's bottom line. Stay positive. Be a team player and show you deserve the chance to be heard.

Question
After my dad died, my mom married a pessimistic, domineering control freak. They moved away from all family. When I call, her new husband seems to be supervising from nearby. Mom was a hardworking, civic-minded, active woman. Now she's a shell. What can I do?
-- Desperate

Dear Desperate,
You miss your dad. Of course you do. And Mom's new husband sounds like no one you'd ever choose. But you don't get to choose. You don't get to manage your mother's heartache. A strong man may be keeping her from falling apart right now. Unless your mom invites your opinion or you see evidence of real abuse, I'm afraid you'll just have to watch from a distance and send love and support from the sidelines.

Question of the Month
On holidays and for family celebrations, my in-laws throw big parties, and my wife's first husband has a standing invitation -- and he's the kind of guy who never turns down a free meal. My wife claims this is no big deal. After all, she says, he was their son-in-law for more than 20 years, and I've been in the picture for only three. I cry foul. Back me up on this: I think the situation stinks, but my wife claims I'm blowing it way out of proportion.
-- Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,
Yeah, this situation completely stinks. If the in-laws and ex-hubby want to stay friends, let them do it on their own time. You're the husband now, and family time is your time. Your wife needs to get a grip and remember which guy is wearing the wedding ring. But listen, don't fight with her about this. Don't adopt my angry tone. (She's hitting a raw nerve in me! I have a friend whose ex is constantly messing up an otherwise beautiful new marriage.) Just tell her where it hurts.

From Reader's Digest - March 2008

 

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• When to Keep Quiet
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• 

It was Halloween night when a driver called our road-service dispatch office complaining that he was locked out of his car. I forwarded the information to a locksmith, along with one more detail: The car was parked at a nudist colony. Of course, the locksmith arrived in record time. But when he called in later, he wasn't amused. "Figures," he said. "I finally get to go to a nudist colony, and they're having a costume party!"

-- Neil Klein

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