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Loss and Learning
Robert Evans now believes that for his son Joel, the pass-out game "was something that he thought he could control -- something that was secret from us. He didn't have the intent to hurt himself." Asphyxia games -- hyperventilating and holding your breath -- have been around for decades. One version, autoerotic asphyxia, is used by some older boys and men as a way of intensifying sexual climax. The choking game, done mostly for thrills and often in groups, does not derive from the darker psychological motives behind anorexia and self-injury, but the Internet is fueling more extreme methods.Google certain keywords and with a few clicks on the right links you'll be connected to a spirited discussion about the choking game. One teen calls it "overrated," while another provides directions about how to play it, including the recommendation: "Have your friend or 'spotter' use his inner wrist to apply pressure to the jugular vein NOT THE WINDPIPE!!!"
"It's about pushing the envelope farther to have an extreme experience," says pediatrician Thomas Andrew, who points to popular television programs like Fear Factor to further explain the growing popularity of the choking trend. "We're living in an 'I dare you' culture." Andrew says that kids are adding ropes, belts and plastic bags to the game. "And many are playing alone, which is so dangerous. They don't think of where it can lead. Death is not on their radar screen."
For several years, Yahoo and AOL have been shutting down self-injury sites on their servers. But this kind of information is still available in online chat rooms, which are much harder to police. And short of violating the First Amendment's guaranteed right to free speech, there is frankly no way to eliminate these sites altogether.
What parents need to do, say child-care professionals, is to pay more attention. "There are usually signs, some very obvious, to watch out for," says Lynn Grefe, CEO of the National Eating Disorders Association. Excessive exercise regimens and developing rituals around eating are anorexia tip-offs. A rash of cuts on the body are signs of self-injury. Bloodshot eyes, dizziness and red marks on a child's neck are indications of the choking game.
In 1998, when Caitlin Scafati was 15, she finally decided to talk to her parents about her cutting habits. They helped her to begin getting the counseling she needed. Now 23, recovered from her disorders and hoping to become a social worker, Caitlin says she had to scar her body and lose an unhealthy amount of weight before she recognized the danger of the sites she was visiting. She has never accessed them again.
Last April, Joel Evans would have turned 20. It was around that time that his father, Robert, having learned more about the choking game, felt a sense of relief. He could in some way finally understand how his son's death came about.
"We initially had so many questions," says Phyllis Evans, "and doubts." The memory of finding her son that March night will never leave her. But, she says, "five years later, your heart heals a little. The pain is a little less intense."
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