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In the Past
What Are Our Most-Kept Secrets?Have our respondents ever kept something secret from their spouses? Yes, say 42% of men and 36% of women. Our findings suggest baby boomers and those in the highest income brackets are slightly more secretive. "Trust breaks down when there's little time for confiding, and these people are busy, busy, busy," says Julie Gottman.
The longest-married also are more likely to keep things to themselves, perhaps because they were raised before self-analysis became fashionable.
What's the most frequently hushed-up issue? How much we paid for something we bought. This sin of omission is committed by almost half (48%) of both husbands and wives who've ever kept a secret.
This is a surprising number, a red flag, says John Gottman. "There's a problem with honesty and trust here." Julie Gottman adds, "Money is freedom, money is power, and it's interesting that both men and women lie about it."
The second most frequent secret is about a child's behavior or grades, more commonly a secret that wives (18%) keep from their husbands.
One of the saddest findings in the survey: of men who have kept a secret, 20% have concealed a failure at work. "Male ego is a big deal," says New York City psychologist Scott Wetzler, author of Is It You or Is It Me?
Startlingly, comparable percentages of men (6%) and women (3%) have kept a secret about an eating disorder.
"I don't like to tell him how much I spend when I go shopping. I'm afraid he'll cut back on the budget."
-- wife of 43 years
"There are times your kids do things that you know would make the other party ballistic."
-- wife of 26 years
Does Your Spouse Know About Your Prior Love Life?
It's normal to be curious about your partner's sexual past. How much do couples tell?
Asked if their spouse knows all the good stuff about past loves, 62% of women say yes, he knows everything, but only 52% of men spill the beans. Another 38% say their wife only knows some things, either because she has not pressed for the whole story (22%), or because he's only prepared to share a certain amount (17%). Only 10% of men and 5% of women say their partners know nothing of their previous passions.
Does it matter? Knowing the facts per se is irrelevant to a happy marriage, Wetzler says. "There's a feeling that to trust somebody, you have to know everything about them. In fact, what's important is that you have to believe you know all that matters."
We may be married, but we're not dead. Outside crushes do pop up in even the happiest unions, and 19% of men (and 10% of women) have kept secret the fact that they felt attracted to another. Eight percent of men do not broadcast their habit of viewing risque material on the Internet.
"We told each other everything at the beginning. Curiosity, I guess."
-- husband of 20 years
"We've never talked about what went on before we got married. We were very young."
-- husband of 56 years
"A couple of months after we got married, this old girlfriend of his sent him a Christmas card, a real mushy one. I set it up on top of the TV and made him look at it for a year. We tease each other about that to this day."
-- wife of 22 years
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