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The Truth
Do Couples Share Their Dreams?Do you talk about your fantasies and aspirations? One in five people told us they cherish a secret dream, but do not talk about it with their spouse. "That result just blew me away," says Julie Gottman. "Dreams reflect the deepest part of ourselves, and partners need to feel emotionally safe enough to share them. This statistic tells us that one in five marriages are not safe havens."
More than half (56%) of the silent dreamers, especially those married less than five years, yearn to travel with their spouse -- but, amazingly, don't mention it.
Baby boomers in particular seem to suffer from this restless, silent yearning. Those harboring a dream long to live somewhere else (53%), travel on their own (42%), start over in a new career (41%), live on their own for a while (21%), have an affair (14%) or failing that, at least get a dog (10%).
Why don't we talk about these things? "Discussing dreams like this is very threatening to the status quo," says John Gottman. "It says, 'I'm not sure about the way we're living.' People think, 'I have these fantasies about things being different, but if I tell you, you're going to hit the ceiling.' "
These findings prompted Rhode Island psychiatrist Peter Kramer, author of the bestselling Listening to Prozac, to suggest that we be more flexible in the way we think about marriage. "If people want temporary escape, why shouldn't that be built into a long-term relationship? I know a man with a white-collar job who ships out with the merchant marine once a year. Marriage is a term that can cover a lot of arrangements."
"I've always wanted to sing professionally. [Does her husband know?] He knows I like to sing, but, no ..."
-- wife of 12 years
What About An Easy Out?
We asked people to confess if they've ever wished to wake up in the morning and suddenly ... just not be married anymore. Sixteen percent of both men and women said yes.
"Here's what this answer means," says Wetzler. "Since it's difficult to get out of a marriage, these people don't want to admit their dissatisfaction to themselves."
Kramer does not agree. "This fantasy is not a sign that your relationship is in trouble. It's just that marriage is so hard."
So, is it important to tell all? "Yes, definitely, absolutely, lay it all out, the good with the bad," says one successful male veteran of a four-decade marriage. A wife of 33 years says, "Tell as much as you can until you get 'I don't want to go there' signals." Another woman counsels against telling all. "You cease to be a person when you do that," she says.
So there you have it. Three different marriages. Three different points of view. And where do the experts come down? "A good marriage," says Kramer, "is not based on just telling all about what bothers you the most. Some revelations would only panic the other person."
The Gottmans, who have made a study of 3000 married couples over two decades, agree that brutal honesty is not always appropriate. You need a foundation of closeness before you can start difficult conversations. "When you have something yucky to talk about," says John Gottman, "it's better to start at a high emotional point than a low one."
Perhaps the first step, he says, is trying harder to find out what your spouse is really thinking.
The poll was conducted by Ipsos-NPD via telephone from March 19 through March 31, 2001. The margin of error is 2.6%. The respondents were 1000 married people, ages 18 and over, half of them men and half women. Spouses were not interviewed together or within earshot of each other.
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