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Little Lies
Have you ever hidden a price tag so your spouse won't see what you spent? Or covered up for the kids? Or kept quiet about feeling attracted to someone else?Well, you're not alone.
Every marriage counselor on earth will tell you that honesty is at the root of the strongest relationships. With the divorce rate still hovering around 42%, we began to wonder how the truth was faring in the American marriage. So we set out across the land to ask married people what they hide, and what they tell.
This is what we discovered.
Who's More Open, Men or Women?
Let's start with the basics. Women do most of the talking in a marriage, especially about the marriage -- no surprises there. Eighty-three percent of women say they are the ones most likely to begin the discussion that starts with "Let's talk about us." Only 57% of men, though, think their wives speak first.
What's that about? "Men often act out their problems in indirect ways, so they think they've brought them up," says marital therapist Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. "It's harder for men to put feelings into words."
Our poll shows the reluctance to raise problems is not influenced by age.
"It's important to talk, but when you say 'everything' ... There has to be some space in between."
-- husband of 16 years
"We have a zigzag way of bringing up problems. We kind of tiptoe around them for a while - [though] not nearly as much as my parents did."
-- wife of 33 years
"My wife usually has the first word in anything. I have the last."
-- husband of 43 years
What Can't Couples Talk About?
Some of our poll's greatest surprises arise from the conversations married people wish they could have, especially husbands. While women have long complained that their men don't talk enough, our poll shows men are just bursting to talk about matters deeper than sports or money -- but they don't know how.
Among men, the largest group -- 38% -- wish they could ask their spouse to be more affectionate. And they don't mean discussing sex, which was covered in a separate question. "Men are not supposed to need affection," says psychologist Julie Gottman, Ph.D., who with her husband, John Gottman, Ph.D., is co-founder of Seattle's Gottman Institute and its Marriage Clinic. "They feel that asking for cuddling is sissyish. How many men can say they need nurturing?"
This is a crucial issue for the babyboom generation -- people who are in their mid-thirties to mid-fifties -- says Boston psychotherapist Terrence Real, author of the upcoming How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women. "Men are still following the same program, which is that they're not allowed to want intimacy. But women now are strong enough to want more intimacy than ever."
Thirty percent of men wish they could talk openly with their wife about spiritual matters. "That really impressed me," says John Gottman. "It underscores the meaning of how we live, what we value. It's hard for men to talk about that."
One poll result suggests a good way to open the lines of communication: 26% of men and women wish their partners would "ask me questions about myself."
While some things are hard to discuss, others come up all too often. We asked people if there was anything they couldn't budge their spouse on. "Be less messy" is the most nagging topic, with 41% of women (and 29% of men) hounding their partners for messiness. The next most nagging topics are "Please lose weight" and "Stop criticizing me!"
"I had been married to a man who kept secrets, and it really hurt our relationship."
-- wife of 10 years
"We try and spend time together. I think that's what a lot of people aren't doing anymore."
-- wife of 37 years
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