How to Mend a Broken Friendship (page 2 of 2)

Consider Other Points of View

Apologize when you're wrong--even if you've also been wronged. No one should allow himself to be emotionally abused by anyone. But over the course of a friendship, even the best people make mistakes. "A relationship can grind to a standstill if the offender refuses to make the first move at reconciliation," Wilmot explains. "Under these circumstances, it may be best if the wronged person takes the initiative and apologizes -- for getting upset, for not understanding the friend's circumstances. When you apologize, give your friend the opportunity to admit that he'd screwed up."

That's what happened to a 29-year-old salesman from Deerfield, Ill., when a dispute over unpaid rent threatened his friendship with a college pal. Because the salesman and two roommates all signed the lease, each was responsible for the debt. After graduation, the salesman tried to cajole his friend into paying up. Finally, when the landlord threatened to sue for the arrears, the salesman called his friend, yelling, "This is no joke! You're ruining my credit."

Later he regretted his outburst. He knew his friend was not trying to hurt him -- he was just being irresponsible. "Even though my friend should have apologized first for the aggravation he had caused me, I shouldn't have lost my temper. I didn't want this to destroy our friendship," he says. When the salesman called to apologize, the friend admitted he was wrong. He apologized and paid the debt.

Experts agree that one of the worst things you can do when you're upset is to start a fight. "We don't think clearly when we're arguing," says Michael Lang, a professional mediator in Pittsburgh. Instead, says Lang, ask: "What's going on? This doesn't make sense."

See things from your friend's point of view. Sociologist Rebecca Adams of the University of North Carolina at Greensboro and Rosemary Blieszner, professor of gerontology and family studies at the Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University in Blacksburg, interviewed 53 adults who each had many friendships lasting decades. "We were curious how these people managed to sustain strong friendships for so long," says Blieszner.

Tolerance is key, the researchers learned. The subjects also didn't let problems get blown out of proportion. "It's surprising how often a dispute results from a simple misunderstanding," adds psychotherapist Anne Frenkel.

Jan Yager, author of Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives, recalls what happened after her father died and a close friend didn't attend the funeral. "I felt hurt and disappointed," she says.

Later Yager learned that her friend hadn't come to the service because she was still distraught over her own father's death. "My perspective changed entirely," says Yager. "Rather than feeling slighted, I empathized with her."

Accept that friendships change. A few years ago, Cindy Lawson, 34, of Chicago, and a close friend decided to co-host a friend's bridal shower. The two women agreed to share the work and the cost. Then the friend, an attorney, took a new, more demanding job. Total responsibility for the shower fell to Lawson.

On the Saturday of the shower, Lawson did all the party decorating, then prepared dinner for 35 guests. Her co-host did not arrive from her office until shortly before the event. Later her friend complained about the cost.

Lawson was furious. But deep down, she did not want to break off ties. The two women were in a book club together, had many common friends and enjoyed dinners out together with their husbands. Instead, Lawson decided to remain friends -- but not close friends.

"Friendships change as our needs and lifestyles change," Wilmot observes. "It's healthy to have a host of friends and to sometimes shift the status of one or another."

Making friends can sometimes seem easy, says Yager. The hard part is keeping the connections strong during the natural ups and downs that affect all relationships. Her suggestion: Consider friendship an honor and a gift, and worth the effort to treasure and nurture.

From Reader's Digest - June 1999

Originally in Reader's Digest

 

• • Relationships
• Happiness
• Family Life
• • Mind & Body

• Get Out of Debt
• Getting out of debt is one of the most important positive steps you can make for yourself and your family. Make 2008 the year you finally clean up your finances.
• 
• Lose the Weight
• Maintaining a healthy weight is always important. Here are some easy changes you can make to your diet and fitness routine in 2008 to get back on the track to wellness.
• 
• Quit Bad Habits
• Bad habits are crutches that hold us back. Read the following articles to begin the process of moving forward with your life in 2008.
• 
• Organize Your Life
• Put everything in its place this year with these tips for maximizing space and cleanliness.
• 
• How to Make Time For Friends and Family
• Ideas on how to spend more quality time with your nearest and dearest.
• 

What's your New Year's resolution?

Quit smoking or drinking Get out of debt Lose weight Spend more time with loved ones I don't have one.

See Results

• Be Inspired
• 10 Celebrities Who Give Back
• 7 Amazing Stories, $700,000 to Charity
• Virginia Cervasio: Making It Matter
• PLUS:
• Quiz: What's Your Celebrity Cause IQ?