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TwitThisIncrease Quality, Not Quantity
When partners, especially husbands, worry about the amount of sex after children are born, it might be time to do a reality check."We expect people will fall in love, be each other's best friends for life and have passionate sex every night," says Leslie Schover, staff psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation's Center for Sexual Function. "But this ideal for marriage is impossible. It's best to think more about quality than quantity," she continues.
And, of course, sharing love and expressing sexuality need not involve intercourse, says Whipple. She suggests that couples get away from being goal-oriented and become more pleasure-oriented. "Think of goal-oriented sexual interaction as a set of stairs, with each step leading to the next. If you don't reach the top step, you don't feel good about any other step," she says. "For pleasure-oriented interaction, think of a circle where each activity is an end in itself -- for instance, holding hands or being held."
Make a Date
Experts agree that going out with only your spouse is vital if you want your marriage and your sex life to thrive. "At least once a month, go to a lecture, a play, the movies -- whatever you used to do together that you dropped after you had children," suggests Connie Moore, associate professor of psychiatry at Houston's Baylor College of Medicine. Try not to talk about the kids or bills or house repairs. Talk about things that will remind you of why you fell in love in the first place.
When couples put a little effort into stoking their romance, they find it stokes sexual desire as well. "Romance feeds desire," says Dr. Reamy, "and desire is immensely important to a good sex life."
Give Your Spouse a Break
Although it may sound contradictory, another way to improve your sex life is by spending some time by yourself. This is especially crucial for women, since they tend to put the family's needs before their own. Getting together with friends, starting a book club or just exercising can help women feel more sexual because such activities help fill their own needs.
A major bone of contention for women is how household chores are handled. "Most husbands give lip service to doing half the chores," Reamy says, "but they're not walking the walk." The physical and emotional toll of living under such inequity leads many wives to withdraw from their husbands. Fathers who do their share of the housework and child care find it pays off in more than stacks of clean laundry.
Teach Kids to Knock
Even when children reach school age, logistical problems still abound for parents. Most couples find making love difficult when they fear a child in the next room might awaken and come shuffling in, catching them in the act.
"Our family rule has always been to knock first," says Phil Benoit of Middlebury, Vermont, the father of two teenage girls. "If you establish a pattern of having the door shut at night from the beginning, then it's not unusual for them to see your door closed."
"Sex isn't only a source of physical pleasure," says Reamy. "It bonds and validates a relationship." The effort husbands and wives put into keeping their sex lives strong after children are born pays off. Many couples say the added closeness that comes from sharing the bond of parenthood makes their sex life better than ever.
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