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If you're a parent, you know how it is: you have a baby, and suddenly certain things you once took for granted -- saving money, sleeping late -- disappear. And that includes what got you into the situation in the first place: sex.
"Because so many stresses interfere with a couple's life together once they have kids, sex is easily put on the back burner," says Dr. Kenneth J. Reamy, professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the West Virginia University School of Medicine in Morgantown.
Where once you may have listened to romantic music in the evenings, your home now is filled with the sound of Barney. And sexy lingerie has given way to cotton nightshirts.
Jan and Ray Enger of Horsham, Pa., know this scenario all too well. They put off having sex for months after the birth of Eric. "I had a Caesarean delivery," explains Jan, "and I just didn't feel up to it for a while."
The first time they tried to make love after Eric's arrival, he started crying. "We looked at each other and said, 'Later,'" Jan recalls. "We were just getting up enough energy to get reacquainted when Eric started teething. He woke up every two hours for weeks. I was a zombie."
As the Engers discovered, the reasons that desire nose-dives after the birth of a baby vary. But the most immediate cause is physical. The exhaustion and stress brought on by more chores, aggravated by sleep deprivation, take a toll on both parents. Frequently neither mate can summon the energy for more than a peck on the cheek before bed, much less passion.
During the so-called fourth trimester (the three months following a baby's birth), fluctuations in a woman's hormone levels can deliver the chemical equivalent of a cold shower. This sexual stagnation can last six months after delivery, and even longer for women who breast-feed.
Pain from an episiotomy incision or from tissue torn during delivery can act as a wet blanket as well. Even after a woman has healed -- typically three weeks after a vaginal delivery and up to six weeks after a Caesarean -- decreased estrogen levels make the vaginal lining thinner, drier and more easily irritated.
New mothers can use lubricants and creams to alleviate pain and tenderness. Kegel's exercises, which tighten the pelvic-floor muscles, may help women regain muscle tone and increase sexual responsiveness.
Dealing with the psychological factors, however, can be more challenging. For instance, many women fear their mates won't find their post-partum bodies attractive. Even if stretch marks and a few extra pounds don't douse the fires of desire for some husbands, seeing their wives in their new maternal mode can.
"Maternal and erotic don't go together for a lot of men," says sex therapist Martha Gross, associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the George Washington University Medical School in Washington, D.C. "They don't think of mothers as sexual beings."
Nursing mothers may subconsciously avoid intimacy with their mate because the frequent breast-feeding can exhaust their desire for physical contact by the end of the day. Such pauses in passion can leave a husband feeling displaced in his wife's affections.
Talk It Out
Time and patience heal some of these problems, but for others communication is key. "I feel guilty sometimes that we're not having sex as often as we were before," says Lisa Austin of Knoxville, Tenn., the mother of eight-month-old Hallie. "But Bryan is pretty understanding. We're very open with each other about the changes we're going through as new parents."
Through their frank discussions, Lisa has assured Bryan of how much she loves him, even though she is preoccupied with the baby. Bryan, in turn, has assured Lisa that he's as attracted to her as he was the day they met. As a result, she says, they've remained physically affectionate, and sex is still very much a part of their lives, even if it isn't as frequent as it once was.
Open and honest discussions can take a negative turn, however, especially if one mate feels frustrated about decreased sexual activity. "You can't have a good sex life when you have hostility, anger and unresolved issues between you," explains Beverly Whipple, associate professor in the College of Nursing at Rutgers University in Newark, N.J.
Whipple recommends using "I" phrases ("I feel angry when ...") instead of "you" phrases ("You make me feel angry..."), which often spark defensive sparring instead of sincere discourse. "Repeat what your partner said to be sure you really understand," she adds.
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