Marriage Today: What 1,001 Couples Report (page 2 of 6)

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Finding No. 1: Marriage Isn't Broken!

The Statistics
Percentage of survey respondents who agreed with the following statements:

I would marry my spouse all over again 71%
I love my spouse even more than when we were first married 62%

Percentage of respondents who say their marriages are better than:

The typical American marriage 58%
How they envisioned marriage should be 54%
Their parents' marriage 53%

Respondents were given a list of 18 adjectives and told to pick three that best describe their marriages. These four were chosen most often:

Loving 41%
Secure 33%
Trusting 30%
Blessed 29%

These four were chosen least often:

Disconnected 6%
In crisis 4%
Cold 4%
Volatile 2%

Is matrimony on the rocks? TV, newspapers, and magazines would have you believe it is. Experts weigh in daily on its grim decline. Some warn that the U.S. is going the way of Scandinavia, where fewer and fewer couples get married at all. Marriage counselors and divorce lawyers are doing a booming business. Talk shows are packed with tearful couples on the brink of messy breakups.

But real couples in committed relationships clued us in to a far happier reality. Over and over, husbands and wives said they'd marry their mates all over again. And a few did -- either by renewing their vows or remarrying the same spouse after a divorce. "Loving" and "secure" were their top descriptions of their relationships, while "cold" and "distant" were rarely chosen. "My husband is my best friend, my soul mate," one woman told Reader's Digest. "We both believe that we were lucky to have found the perfect mate and will be married for eternity."

Whether they'd just celebrated their first wedding anniversary or had been married more than 40 years, husbands and wives alike said they were more in love with their mates today than when they walked down the aisle. "I was one of the few people that ever got to find their real 'bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh' soul mate," one husband proudly reported. "We have never had a raised-voice argument in all our years together. I have never cheated and never will." Added another happy husband: "In this wonderful marriage, there are no regrets. I'm sure she agrees with my statement." A third was succinct: "It is all good. Every day is great."

How great? Couples surprised us by rating their own marriages higher than the marriages of their parents and their friends and higher than the typical American marriage. They even said their relationships are better than they envisioned they would be. "Just better than I ever expected," is the way one wife described her marriage. "My husband is my very best friend in the whole world, and I would be lost without him," said another woman. "I am very lucky to be married to my husband. He takes good care of me, financially and otherwise. He does have some faults, as do I, but we get along well -- and he cooks for me almost every night."

And here's the icing on the cake: They also said that in most important areas, their marriages had improved with time. More than 50 percent said trust, forgiveness, and problem-solving were better than ever; over 40 percent said compatibility, verbal affection (those little "I love yous"), time together having fun, and the sharing of household duties had improved.

Couples told us about an enduring, private happiness at the heart of everyday marriage. "Every woman should meet and marry someone like my husband," a wife said. "He is my lifetime companion," said another. Added a besotted husband, "I can't believe how lucky I am to have the woman of my dreams. I cherish every moment of every day that I'm with her."

More than chemistry or sex or romance, partners said dedication and daily good deeds made the difference in their marriages. "My husband is very supportive of me," one wife said. "Since I have gone back to college, he calls me his 'hardworking student' and will take over my household responsibilities when I have a lot of homework to do. It is so precious to me that he respects whatever I attempt to do." Added another, "My spouse stuck by me and supported me through a very trying time with my mother. It made me realize that love can carry us through some bad moments."

The little things matter. One husband's most cherished moment happens quietly, near daybreak. "Waking up each day and seeing this beautiful person lying next to me," he said. One wife's moment comes after work. "Anytime I've had a stressful day or just feel depressed, my husband will listen to me while sitting on the couch rubbing my feet. He thinks that it's funny that it makes me fall asleep within less than 15 minutes," she said.

Could this avalanche of bliss be for real? "The truth is, we're optimists," says marriage researcher Blaine J. Fowers, Ph.D., head of the department of educational and psychological studies at the University of Miami and author of Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness: How Embracing the Virtues of Loyalty, Generosity, Justice, and Courage Can Strengthen Your Relationship. "In a sense, the numbers don't make sense, given what we know about how people complain and put up with mediocrity in their lives and often get divorced. But there's more to the picture. Most people put a positive spin on reality -- including their marriage. This makes good things happen. When you see your spouse in a positive light, she or he is more likely to respond positively to you. It sets up a good cycle."

Digging deeper, Dr. Fowers says survey participants are talking about loyalty, gratitude, and friendship -- marriage-sustaining qualities that experts are only beginning to appreciate. "When you look for your partner's virtues, you begin seeing and feeling them everywhere, every day, in your relationship. This adds depth and resonance and meaning to your marriage," he says. "And it's a skill anyone can learn." While relationship researchers have been looking at communication skills, pleasure, and sexual intimacy as keys to a good relationship, Dr. Fowers says they've overlooked this bedrock sense of regard. "Part of loyalty is simply marching through life, arm in arm. It's having worthwhile things in your life that you value together. And it's going through hardships together. When you have that, you have a deep understanding. And when you cherish your partner for these reasons, it doesn't matter whether you say exactly the right words to each other. You have a deep connection."

Better yet, you can practice these qualities and improve your marriage. "Spouses who characteristically act generously, loyally, fairly, courageously, and with goodwill create good marriages," he says. "These acts of character happen every day in small as well as large ways. You can choose to do this, and love can flourish."