Marriage Today: What 1,001 Couples Report (page 4 of 6)

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Finding No. 3: Laughter Is More Important Than Sex!

The Statistics
When wives and husbands chose the factors most important for a good marriage, the items that rose to the top -- and sank to the bottom -- of the list surprised us.

Time spent talking, laughing, having fun 52%
Compatibility 30%
Quality of sex 13%
Frequency of sex 9%

Next is the percentage of respondents who agreed with the following statements regarding how they spend their time.

My partner and I share many interests and hobbies 47%
My spouse and I do not spend a lot of time together 22%
I spend a lot of time with my own friends 9%

Want to be happy? Set aside the official list of things every marriage needs -- such as sex as incandescent as Fourth of July fireworks, a diplomat's savvy for resolving conflicts, and endless reserves of saintly patience. Instead, go out for ice cream together. Now.

Don't stop to change your clothes, wash the dishes, or figure out who forgot to pay the cable bill. Just go. Laugh. Chat. Be. And don't come home for at least an hour.

You just made an investment in your relationship. "The most important thing in a marriage," one woman confided, "is being able to laugh together and just plain have fun." A contented husband agreed, describing his most cherished moment with his spouse as "the two hours we spent relaxing and talking while eating an early morning breakfast (3 a.m.) in a small town miles from home."

Partners in our survey surprised us when they ranked "time spent talking, laughing, having fun" as one of the most important elements in their marriages -- ahead of forgiveness, problem-solving, and housework and far ahead of frequent or high-quality sex. Only trust earned a higher rating. Frivolous? Not at all, says psychologist Howard J. Markman, Ph.D., director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver and co-author of Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love. "Spending time together connecting as friends is at the heart of a marriage," he says. "Our research clearly indicates that having a sense of safety and connection with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is vital -- and spending time together, building a friendship, accomplishes that. And it doesn't have to be sky-diving or a two-week vacation. Any time when you can be focused on each other, talking as friends and having fun -- and not dealing with conflict or the kids or the routine issues of everyday life -- will do that."

Indeed, survey respondents regaled us with stories of marriage moments that were special simply because they happened outside of the worries and cares of everyday life. Some happened in all-night diners, others at luxurious and exotic resorts. "Traveling with my wife to Jamaica and enjoying the time alone with her," is how one husband described a special time with his spouse. "I feel it is important to get away with your spouse and enjoy the things together which make life worth it all. Vacationing in Jamaica was like taking a time-out. It allowed us to grow closer. It was wonderful."

For others, a special time happened in the quiet after tragedy, as this husband related: "We once drove across America together just after 9/11, and the days in the car together were wonderful as we just drove all day for three days." He also said that anything out of the ordinary was a tonic for his marriage, including "time outside of work and home when we travel and play together, golfing, hiking and attending sporting events."

One bride learned the lesson of these special time-outs in a kitchen the night before her wedding. "The day before my husband and I were married, we spent the night cooking and preparing for our reception the next day," she recalled. "We laughed and played around the whole time, and my mother-in-law was there helping. It meant a lot to see that we were in this marriage together. I play that day over a lot because it makes me smile all the time."

These couples created the ideal environment for growing a strong friendship: special time together, with a focus on fun and a ban on heavy-duty talks about relationship issues and everyday concerns. The trick? Making time for each other right now, regardless of what else is going on in your lives. That's especially challenging for couples busy raising kids, holding down jobs, and fulfilling commitments to community and religious organizations during the hectic Cooperation stage. In our survey, those couples were most likely to be unhappy with the amount of time they were spending together.

And yet, that's probably when it's most crucial to find bits of downtime to spend together. "In our seminars and retreats, we stress that you're always going to have problems and disagreements -- but you shouldn't put off fun, friendship, and romance until all your other problems are resolved, because they'll never all be settled," Dr. Markman says. "Happy couples make time to relax and focus on each other, regardless of what else is happening in their lives."

And sex? If your friendship is strong, you'll have the strong, easy emotional connection that leads comfortably to sexual intimacy. It's not that American husbands and wives don't value sex. They've just got their priorities in order. "We don't push ourselves to make fun times happen, but sometimes you have to. Fun comes easily early in marriage, but later on, you have to create it," says Dr. Markman, whose research-based retreats help couples brainstorm ways to have fun together, then "teach" them about fun by scheduling wine tastings, bicycle repair clinics, reflexology, and more. "People have a blast and help their marriage at the same time," he says.