Marriage Today: What 1,001 Couples Report (page 6 of 6)

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Finding No. 5: Challenges Make Us Stronger

The Statistics
Ninety-four percent of husbands and wives said they had experienced challenges in their marriages. The outcome was sometimes negative, but surprisingly there were instances when it was positive. Here's how a variety of challenges affected their marriages.

Crisis	Percentage Who Experienced It	Positive	Negative
Death of a parent	50%	37%	34%
Job loss	47%	31%	54%
Depression	42%	25%	63%
Parent's illness	28%	36%	38%
Major illness	27%	58%	29%
Becoming obese	25%	20%	50%
Caregiving for parent	25%	42%	32%
Addiction	20%	26%	65%
Major weight loss	15%	61%	13%
Personal bankruptcy	15%	46%	34%
Infidelity	13%	20%	67%

From illness to job loss, from the death of a parent to the need to care for aging parents, all but a few survey participants said they had coped with at least one big crisis in their marriages. And for many, the worst of times had a silver lining that ultimately deepened their relationships.

"My husband is my hero," one wife told us. "He has had many physical challenges, ranging from broken bones, loss of one eye, severe burns, etc., but he has never complained or felt sorry for himself. He just goes on and deals with the injuries. He is always cheerful and would do anything to help another person."

"My spouse stuck by me and supported me through a very trying time with my mother," another said. "It made me realize that love can carry us through some bad moments."

Facing a challenge together unlocks hidden reserves of love. "My husband tries to act macho and gruff. But just before I was about to have surgery, I looked at him and saw tears running down his face," one wife said. It can also reveal a spouse's full ability to be generous, compassionate, and courageous. "When I became disabled," one husband said, "my wife took care of us and the family without any 'poor me's' and with great stamina and closeness to God." Spouses also sacrificed for each other. "The way he took care of me when my mother died is something that I will always cherish," one grateful wife said. "It was so hard for him, as he loved her as much as I did, and yet he was my rock, waiting a full three months to finally break down and cry his heart out too."

"When a crisis shocks your marriage, it gives you a second chance," says Wayne M. Sotile, Ph.D., director of psychological services for the Wake Forest University Healthy Exercise and Lifestyles Program. "It's not that we discover something new to love in one another, it's that we're reminded of what we already love. A psychological, spiritual, and existential reawakening happens. At our clinic, 65 to 68 percent of our patients say three to four years after their diagnosis with heart disease that this was the best thing that ever happened to their marriage."

In our survey, significant numbers of couples said that even the most difficult and emotionally draining challenges -- such as depression, job loss, and caring for an ill parent -- had a positive effect on their relationships. Couples, Dr. Sotile says, grow closer in crisis because they appreciate each other's strengths. They also feel especially loved and comforted just when feeling most vulnerable. "Your partner's love touches you in a way you'll always remember," he says. "And the experience makes us grow up and get beyond childish illusions that we'll live forever and have a perfectly stress-free journey. You realize that you don't have everything, but you do have each other."