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Alive and Well
Inside the American marriage, love, honor, and laughter are still alive.That's welcome news in an era of broken promises, a divorce rate hovering just below 50 percent, and dire predictions about the "death of marriage" as more and more couples live together and postpone the walk down the aisle -- or never take it at all.
When Reader's Digest asked married women and men across the nation in-depth questions about their attitudes and beliefs about marriage, the results were heartwarming and surprising. In this comprehensive survey, a total of 1,001 respondents said that deep down, they value trust, forgiveness, and good communication much more than whether the housework is fairly divided. Partners told us that fun, laughter, and spending time together are four to five times more important than sex. That they'd marry their spouse all over again. And that divorce isn't the answer.
The survey -- a candid look at the American marriage, from the inside out -- was conducted via the Internet with U.S. adults of all ages, geographic locations, and economic levels. Answers were anonymous; however, participants were asked to elaborate on our questions with written comments, and many were quite forthcoming.
The survey results reveal that in private, we're so proud and pleased with our mates that we've grown a bit smug: A majority of participants said their marriages are better than their parents', their friends', and the typical American marriage. And we feel both lucky and grateful: Most said their relationships are better than their own vision of the way marriage should be. "There are so many [cherished moments]," one husband said. "I cannot say that any one is more outstanding than any other."
But we're not without contradictions. Americans ranked sex very low on a list of must-have ingredients for a happy marriage. And we admitted that we make love less often now than we did in the passionate, early days of our relationships. Happily, we also think the quality of our lovemaking is better -- a testament to emotional closeness as much as improved technique. But the reality's not so simple. While some husbands and wives are perfectly happy with less sex, others are longing for more kisses, hugs, and physical intimacy. And while we gave sharing the housework a low rating on that same list, women are still shouldering more domestic responsibilities than men despite the fact that most are also working outside the home.
Over and over again, husbands and wives say their marriages are forever -- and they're ready to roll up their sleeves and work on their relationship:
- 85 percent say, "Marriage is a partnership."
- 79 percent say, "I intend to stay married for the rest of my life."
- 75 percent say, "I believe that to have a good marriage you have to constantly work at it."
- 56 percent say, "Divorce is not the answer."
In one of the most encouraging findings from the survey, partners said that they intend to work hard to stay married -- despite the odds. "Marriage is what you make it -- you always have to keep working at your relationship; otherwise, it will slide," one husband said. "Marriage is a business, and both people need to work at it to make it run," said another. Self-sacrifice and an open mind help too, said this man: "We both willingly give up our wants for our needs and for the other's benefit. We have always bolstered each other and tried to keep our criticisms in kindness, never bringing each other down intentionally and always willing to forgive and forget quickly and go forward with new enlightenment."
We hope the findings of this important survey will enlighten you and encourage you as you work toward a more satisfying, durable marriage.
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