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Between the Pill in 1960 and AIDS in 1984, more people had more sex and more kinds of sex. These children of the '70s, who grew up with Nixon, divorce, the hostage crisis, and oral sex, are now in their 40s, and the cancer is beginning to strike. Just as HIV was sneaking into public awareness, other, less publicized viruses were also proliferating, including herpes viruses and HPV -- often symptomless and highly contagious. Millions of people over the past 30 years have been playing, in effect, the ultimate shell game. After all, no matter how many people practice safe sex during intercourse, almost nobody has oral sex through latex.
Once you hear that your cancer is linked to HPV, you review every item in the file, looking for the moment you made the Wrong Choice. But it's impossible. It's not one interaction; it's my entire life's web of meeting people, everything that took me to various experiences and relationships.
Without a singular mistake to obsess over and regret, I settle for parched fear and guilt. They say that the risk of contracting this cancer can be hundreds of times higher in people who've had more than five oral sex partners in their lifetime. How many times had I been exposed? How many times had I exposed others?
Hilary's Pap tests have been normal, but that doesn't mean she's negative for oral HPV. Will she be okay? Is someone out there dying because I went to the I-Beam in San Francisco one night in the '80s? I think about the braided capillary links between people and realize that I cannot answer no with any certainty. Living with this is as hard as living with the cancer.
The odds of my defeating this kind of cancer are at least 60-40 in my favor. I am youngish, and we are considering an aggressive treatment, so the odds are probably even better. Still, I don't know how much longer I have, and I won't have any assurances until I get through the five-year recurrence window. Recurrence is bad. The odds swing against you, and pretty steeply. They all say that, from the doctors and radiation specialists to the nurses and orderlies.
Those who claim that fear is not part of the equation are kidding themselves. I have to work through all this, find myself a position. Will I be passive and detached? Research, study, learn, engage? Do I even want to win? I don't really know how I will be affected. Will my voice change? A piece of my tongue will be lost, and who knows how much larynx and throat muscle. Will I have a voice? The clinic rooms we visit are filled with sad and frightening patients with disfiguring scars and artificial voice boxes. What will I look like? Will I be left with a life I want? I need to get to a zone in my mind that will take me through the process.
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