How to Raise Polite Kids in a Rude World (page 2 of 4)

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Be a Model

When a 16-year-old Florida high-schooler came home from volleyball practice one day, she appeared troubled. "What's wrong?" her mother asked. The teen explained that her coach chose another girl over her best friend for the varsity team. Her friend's mother was livid. Driving the girls home, she flew into a rage, cursing and calling the coach all sorts of names.

Many parents seem to have adopted the attitude "My child, right or wrong"--with devastating results. "Being a parent means being mature enough to help a child adapt to disappointment," Achenbach says. "Parents who can't accept when their child isn't No. 1 send the message that when you're frustrated, you blame the source of frustration instead of looking for a way to cope." Instead of urging a child to study harder for better grades, some parents blame the teacher. Instead of punishing a child for violating a school policy, they battle the policy.

A better message, experts say, is to teach children that while they cannot always control the outcome of every situation, they can control how they respond. "Children must learn to behave more gallantly than they feel," says "Miss Manners" columnist and author Judith Martin. Being gallant, says Martin, is about more than simply saying "please" and "thank you." It's about not boasting or calling someone names behind their back, about winning fairly and losing graciously, and treating everyone with respect.

Of course, all the training in the world won't persuade a child to behave gallantly if his parents become aggressive, demanding and rude at the slightest provocation. That's why experts agree the best way for parents to improve a child's manners is to improve their own first.

Parents need to be especially vigilant not to say something casually that they may be alarmed to hear later in the mouths of their children. A wife who tells her husband to shut up and a father who calls a neighbor a jerk are likely to hear their children speak the same way to them.

"If we aren't practicing good manners, how can we expect our children to?" notes etiquette author Mary Mitchell.