Reinvent Your Life and Your Marriage

Now is the time to do all those things that you never had time to do.

Searching for Meaning

Reinventing your life and your marriage means looking beyond leisure and searching for meaning. In his study of retirement-age men, George Vaillant, M.D. -- a Harvard Medical School psychiatrist and author of Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life -- found that the happiest had ready answers when asked what gave their lives meaning and purpose. They watched their grandchildren. Played the piano. Volunteered or pursued a creative project. Men who said their retirement years were satisfying were up to three times more likely than unsatisfied guys to report enjoying their relationships, doing volunteer work, and having hobbies or other interests. In contrast, the least happy said nothing gave their lives purpose -- or they tended to spend their time in passive pursuits such as watching TV.

Following your Completion-stage bliss in a purposeful way could mean making a commitment to help raise your grandchildren. To build a new relationship with your grown children. To volunteer in your community or halfway around the world. To take up a cause that is near and dear to your heart. To nurture a marriage truly based on love, honor, and respect. To develop a personal interest or talent that's always called to you. To keep on learning. Here's how veteran couples, and experts, suggest tackling one of the Completion stage's biggest opportunities.

Look for new meaning in your marriage. Now's the time to reconsider what you want from your marriage -- and what you've always wanted to give your spouse as a marriage partner. More joy? More affection? More laughter? More moments shared in special activities you both enjoy, whether it's walking in the woods, reading out loud together, touring distant lands, or simply feeling a deep, peaceful connection? Talk together about these marriage dreams and about small steps you can take to make them happen.

Step into a new role in your family. By the time you reach the Completion stage, your kids are too old for unsolicited advice. "One of the powerful things about moving up the ladder of life is making the transition in families from parent to peer," says Stephen Treat, D.Min., an instructor in psychiatry and human behavior at Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia. "When parents don't make that transition, they still try to parent grown kids and alienate them. No adult needs unsolicited advice about running their own life, especially from a parent. That approach backfires. It pushes kids away from you. But instead, if you figure out how to become peers, you can develop a whole new friendship and a new, close connection."

Moving from parent to peer means opening up and being vulnerable. You're not all-powerful Mom or Dad. You're a fellow human being experiencing pleasures and annoyances, ups and downs, every day. Chat. Share your experiences. Ask about theirs. Laugh. Ask for advice as you would with a friend. (Don't be afraid that you'll seem dependent. Your kids will be thrilled.) "Opening up this way creates real family unity," Dr. Treat says.

• • Relationships
• • Retirement
• Marriage
• Happiness
• Family Life
• • Mind & Body

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