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Create a New System
At home together all day, Hollie and Janell Atkinson discovered something that made them mad and then made them laugh. "After we had both retired, Hollie tried to teach me to load the dishwasher -- and that did not go over well with me," Janell recalls. "He was suddenly in the kitchen wanting to help and wanting to take control."Over the next five years of their retirement, the Atkinsons worked out a new system for doing chores and preparing meals: Hollie makes breakfast. "I make lots of different kinds of eggs: scrambled, fried, omelets, breakfast tacos," he says. "And if I'm really pressed hard and the weather's cold, I'll make oatmeal. Janell enjoys that." They've split kitchen cleanup, laundry, and housecleaning too. "We had to learn what chores were ours individually and where there was room for give and take," Janell says. Adds Hollie, "I have a little bit of compulsiveness to my personality. I have certain ways to do things; sometimes they don't match with the way Janell does things. That's all part of the give and take."
Clay and Jane Turner discovered they needed to rebalance their schedules. How much time would they spend together all day? "For couples in retirement, the issues of solitude and connection are critical," Clay says. "Fortunately, Jane and I love similar things. She gets as much thrill out of seeing the first wildflower of spring as I do. We also have individual private things we enjoy apart from one another. That's part of our emotional framework: the rhythm of solitude and connection."
That adjustment wasn't easy. "At first, I felt I was giving up my time to myself," Jane says. "We had to learn how to talk about it and keep a sense of humor. Now I can simply say, 'I'd like to go do something by myself for a few hours.' We've learned not to hurt each other's feelings."
Just as newly married couples must carve out agreements about how much time they'll spend together, how they'll divide the space in their home, and how they'll split up the chores, Completion stage couples face the same questions all over again. This time, the important question is: Will we do what we've always done, or is it time for something new? Here's how long-married partners, and marriage researchers, suggest you approach the question.
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