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From Money Worries to New Connections
A sense of connection, meanwhile, has been eluding Kevin and Suzanne, the couple from Boston. As a short-term fix, Kevin says solitude makes him feel better. "But quickly things start to back up on me," he admits. "My productivity goes down. And I get angry -- at the dog, at the cats and at Suzanne." His moodiness makes it difficult for Suzanne to engage with him, which further isolates them.Depression can be like a third party that comes between couples and creates a sense of hopelessness. So the first step for this couple is to acknowledge that Kevin's dark moods -- a symptom of depression -- are one source of their problem. He needs to see a doctor and discuss medication and counseling.
Suzanne finally understands why Kevin's been so distant. And she shows her love for him with interested questions and compassionate responses. One year later, Kevin has started treatment, including antidepressants. As the sadness and lethargy start to lift, he feels motivated to become more physically active and joins a gym. After about six months, he finds he no longer needs the medication to keep his spirits up.
Today he has more energy than he's had in years. He's enjoying his job and has taken up the guitar, something he set aside years ago. He recently bought a new guitar, a purchase that would have seemed frivolous before. With this new, more liberal attitude toward spending, he and Suzanne have fewer arguments about finances.
With Kevin less withdrawn and both partners showing fresh interest in each other, this couple is on the road to a much happier marriage.
From Crisis to Balance
Mike and Maria have just had a baby, started new jobs, and survived Mike's surgery. They've also been grieving for Maria's sister. Individually, huge events like these can take a toll on any marriage. Happening all at once, the impact's been devastating.
This couple come to understand that stress has kept them from exercising and taking care of themselves. "If we were feeling healthier, we'd have more energy and feel more attractive, which would aid our sex life considerably," says Mike. Maria agrees. But with nearly all their energy going to their jobs and their daughter, there's been no time for recreation.
"We've made a lot of plans," says Maria, "but we don't follow through."
It's unusual to see so much respect and acceptance between partners who are dealing with a frustrating situation. They have a terrific friendship. Still, there's little emotion between them. They're tired -- not a great state of mind for generating creative solutions for deeper intimacy.
Some important tips for them:
- Schedule weekly two-hour "dates" away from their daughter, so they can talk one-on-one;
- Schedule quarterly romantic getaways, leaving their daughter with a relative or baby-sitter;
- Get on a healthy food plan;
- Start exercising regularly;
- Get medical advice about snoring so they sleep better;
- Take a vacation alone together.
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