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The Challenges
Every marriage has perpetual issues -- conflicts based on personality differences or lifestyle differences that never go away. Common examples include how much intimacy there should be in a marriage, as well as disagreements over money and household chores. But as longtime marriage therapists, we've found that partners can live peacefully with perpetual issues as long as they talk about them in an open, productive way.Katie, for example, is a mother of three young children who also works part-time as a biochemist. So she understands how compelling her husband, Sam, finds his job as a scientist for a biotech firm near their home in Minneapolis. But she wants more of his attention. After they put the kids to bed, he often disappears into his basement office until the wee hours of the morning. She'd like him to come to bed with her and cuddle.
Whatever happened to the passionate guy who wrote love letters early on in their courtship, the guy who spent weeks at a time with her touring exotic locations when she worked for the Peace Corps? Why can't Sam understand that even after three kids and ten years of marriage, Katie still craves romance? Sam, for his part, thinks Katie doesn't appreciate how hard he works for the family's benefit. All he gets from her, he feels, are demands and criticism.
In the case of Kevin and Suzanne, a Boston couple, "It's like we're not a team anymore," says Kevin, 42. So what's come between him and his wife? "The bills," he says. Childless by choice, the couple makes a decent living, Kevin as a paralegal, Suzanne as a speech therapist. But for years, Kevin's been trying to convince himself -- and Suzanne -- that if they could just make more money and spend less, maybe he wouldn't feel so hopeless and tired all the time.
"When Kevin feels he's not making enough money, he retreats," Suzanne explains. He spends a lot of time alone and becomes increasingly irritable with her, she says.
And Mike and Maria, from Southern California, are exhausted. They've endured a litany of stressful events over the last several years. Mike, 43, has had surgery for a heart defect, and Maria, 39, lost her sister to a complicated illness just six weeks before the couple's 18-month-old daughter, Tess, was born. Now Mike is running a new restaurant and Maria has a demanding job as an officer for a financial-services company.
They also have serious health concerns. Each has gained more than 50 pounds over the last few years, and they both have snoring problems -- no wonder they've been feeling tired and unattractive. They're sleeping in separate rooms and have lost interest in romance. In fact, they haven't even had sex in months.
Sex vs. romance is often a barometer of other issues in a marriage -- issues like changes brought on by a new baby, retirement or other life-altering events. But small positive behaviors between couples, frequently repeated, can strengthen a marriage's intimacy and make a big difference in its long-term success.
A husband, for example, may learn to ask his wife more questions about how she's feeling. A wife may learn to express more appreciation for the work her husband's doing. A couple might stop and take a break to calm down when they're having a heated discussion. Or they might delve deeper into their conversations, sharing their hopes and dreams.
Other surprisingly simple gestures that can help ease conflict: turning toward a partner for an emotional connection through a question, a smile or a hug. This demonstrates engagement and openness, whether a couple is in a distressed relationship or wants to make a strong marriage even better.
From Distance to Renewed Passion
In the case of Sam and Katie, the couple from Minneapolis, Sam would like his wife to understand that when he's grappling with a problem at work, it's hard for him to just "turn his brain off" and focus on the family. If he's going to relax, he needs more downtime, more solitude, he says. Katie's request for attention makes him want to withdraw even more.
What they can do instead is state their needs without blaming each other, and share how they feel without criticizing. "When I don't feel criticized, I want to give you what you need," Sam tells Katie during a counseling session.
A year later, Sam is still working long hours and Katie still wishes he wouldn't. But what's changed between them is their willingness to accept their differences and improve their skills at solving problems that result.
"I now make a conscious effort not to give him a hard time about it, because that's what he wants to do," Katie says. Sam, in turn, appreciates the changes in her.
"The criticism isn't there anymore, and that's made a huge difference to me." He also sees his wife's needs from a new perspective. "Before, when she'd ask me not to work, I felt like she was attacking me. Now I'm more likely to take a breath and remember that she just wants to be with me. She's just asking for some time."
As a result, Sam is less defensive and more willing to do what Katie's asking. And yes -- that means there's passion back in their marriage again.
Editor's note: Couples' names are changed for privacy.
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