It would be hard to overstate my fear of reptiles. Early in our marriage, for several weeks after watching a Nat Geo special about the Amazon, I made Steve do a nightly sweep of our Cleveland Heights apartment, including a check under the bed for snakes.
Someone upstairs chuckled when my two daughters, Sophia and Olivia, turned out to have not only a deep love for animals but a passion for cold-blooded ones. (“Mommy! Can I have snake sheets for my bed?”) My girls produce live animal shows for our annual block party, write storybooks about turtles, and design information sheets for their bedroom frog museums. I can nurture their passion without touching the creatures, right?
One recent evening, I was met at the door by a concerned husband and two wide-eyed daughters. Sleepy, Sophia’s two-month-old bearded dragon, was especially lethargic and hadn’t eaten in days. They had just returned from the vet. (The vet. For a four-inch lizard.)
The diagnosis: constipation. Yes, this was happening. (How does a lizard become constipated, I asked. Is a diet of crickets not adequately fibrous?) The recommended treatment was to immerse the tiny creature in a cup of warm water while massaging its abdomen.
Words of comfort eluded me. I did not intend to play a role in lizard massaging. “C’mon, Mommy! Let’s go!” “That’s OK, sweetheart. Daddy can do the massage.” They trotted off to prepare the patient for treatment.
One look at the three of them gathering rags, running the water, and blending cricket and banana, and I knew what was going to happen: I was going to put on my big-girl pants, and we were going to save Sleepy together.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.