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Though it happened a few years ago, the memory is as fresh as a slap across the face. Julie Jones was introduced by a mutual friend to a man named Rich, who was visiting from out of town. Wanting to make a positive first impression on him, she spent a few minutes chatting him up. She was having a good time. "I thought he was a fun guy," Julie recalls. That's why she was so surprised when, later that same evening, he gave her the cold shoulder. "It was so odd," she says.A few days afterward, she told her friend about the chilly reception she got. "Well," the friend replied nervously, "it's because he didn't like you." She seemed too aggressive, too brash, Rich had reported. Julie was stunned.
The 42-year-old Pittsburgh native, who has a Ph.D. in electrical engineering and does consulting work, made a decision. "I want people to like me. And it's so hard for friends to be brutally honest. So I wanted an objective third party to help me understand how I was coming across and how I could reflect myself better."
Julie's quest took her to New York-based psychologist Ann Demarais, who, along with fellow psychologist Valerie White, runs First Impressions, a firm that helps clients put their best foot forward. With a combined 26 years of experience, they have coached everyone from seasoned executives to tentative first-daters. In Julie's case, they suggested she go on a simulated date with one of their consultants, Charles Hymes. After an hour of conversation in a quiet café, the two went back to the office for a review of, well, Charles's first impressions of her.
The results opened Julie's eyes. "I know I have a high-energy style and talk fast," she says. "And I was told that. But I was also told that I ask a lot of questions. I thought I was being interesting and flattering." Her barrage of questions, Charles explained, felt a little like being cross-examined.
Today, to establish a better rapport with new acquaintances, Julie knows to do simple things like match her speech cadence to the other person's and to slow down. "I take a deep breath before I ask a question," she says. "It's made me a better listener."
Forming a Bond
Since 1997, Ann Demarais and her First Impressions staff have been nudging clients away from a range of unflattering behaviors. One man refused to smile; he said it wasn't his style. Another droned on about himself, thinking he was coming across as informative and worldly. One client used such short, gruntlike phrases that he personified Mr. Dullsville. And still another seemed so cynical and edgy that acquaintances couldn't wait to say, "Hey, gotta run."
In their new book, First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You, Demarais and White say it's all about connecting -- of trying to bond with people in order to put them at ease. And mood is crucial. "If you make others feel special and put them in a good mood, you'll be more socially desirable than those who don't put others in a good mood," they say. On top of that, the first take people have of you leads to assumptions.
"You may assume that someone who appears upbeat is also smart, likable and successful, even though you've never seen evidence of those qualities," they explain. "You may also assume that someone who complains a lot is boring, unsociable and weak."
The first information you see or learn about someone is weighed more heavily than what you learn later, say Demarais and White. But the door doesn't necessarily slam shut after a few seconds. "It's a process," says Demarais. "It starts from the time you first talk to someone or see him or her. You start to make judgments -- it's natural; it's human. But you can also change the way you feel about the person based on what comes next."
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