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Right in the Right Now
Davidson: Ageism is a real thing.Ryan: Yeah, it's a real thing, but I also feel like it's kind of shifting. And I haven't made a living as a sex symbol, I haven't made a living as a dope, I haven't made a living in any of the traditional ways that women make a living. I've made a living as a neurotic. And I'm hopefully gonna continue to just be an anomaly.
Davidson: There are a lot more female executives in studios now. Is that making any difference?
Ryan: I wish it did make a difference, but the development, production and distribution of movies is totally just crunched by men and their fantasy. It's very rare when you get an integrated, complex female character even developed into a movie, let alone shot and marketed well. That's the overriding Hollywood studio structure. There is, thankfully, the independent world, which champions those things more.
Davidson: After September 11, you participated in some of the big televised charity events.
Ryan: It seems like celebrity is such a dopey thing to have attached to you, but if it makes any difference to anybody that you're going to be answering the phone, of course I would be there to talk to all these people who are pledging $20, $50 from all over the country.
Davidson: You've been a spiritual seeker for some time. Have you always been interested in life's big questions?
Ryan: I was raised a Catholic, and it didn't work for me. And it's because it didn't work for me that I became a seeker. I love the word seeker because it's what it says -- that I have no answers; I'm always in the questioning mode. I read Siddhartha when I was fifteen, and I think that changed everything for me. And I have made it a point in the last ten or fifteen years to meet as many enlightened people as I could, and I've had a few experiences and meditations that have been undeniable.
Davidson: So at this point do you have a daily spiritual practice? How does that nourish or sustain you?
Ryan: I don't get to meditate every single day. I'm not that disciplined. I do yoga more than I meditate. But even that, it just gets you in this place of being a witness. You're able to watch with a little less attachment to everything, and it makes the day easier. It takes you out of the place of judgment all the time.
Davidson: A lot of people's faith has been tested in the last few months. How do you believe in a God who creates terrorists?
Ryan: When I went to Ground Zero, as devastating as it was to see that kind of destruction and overwhelming loss, I found my overwhelming experience was that I felt all the good intentions and prayers and light that people are sending there. And I thought to myself, good has already won because there's community, there's a sense of connection that's come out of it, there's a sense of re-evaluation. I've never been a patriot. I'm a Watergate baby. I've always questioned. But you think about all the freedoms that we have in our lives and what it means to be an American. I never really understood the true value of that before. That's a beautiful thing to have come out of this.
Davidson: How do you feel about the future, about raising your son in a world that's so different from the world we grew up in?
Ryan: I think we have a choice right now to engage in fear and constriction or live an expansive life. We're all being personally asked where are we on that spectrum. I don't want to live a contracted life. I want to live an aware and conscious life, which means dealing with whatever those very serious threats are but not being run over by them, not being bulldozed by them.
Davidson: So you haven't shifted your life or contracted it in any way?
Ryan: For a minute I did. And then I went to New York and I felt, like, 60 percent cured.
Davidson: If you could design a perfect day right now for yourself, what would it look like? Let's say it's your birthday, you have an absolutely free day, no commitments. What would you do?
Ryan: Well, there are a couple great hikes in L.A. And just hang out with Jack. We're into this thing where we challenge each other with the jump-roping thing. And I really like to have dinner parties at my house. I think I'd throw a big ol' dinner party at my house.
Davidson: Is there one thing in your life that you haven't done yet that you'd like to do?
Ryan: I've only been to Hong Kong, but that whetted my appetite for China. I'd like to have more kids. I would like to see the Pyramids. And I'd like to go to the Himalayas.
Davidson: You want more children?
Ryan: Oh, yeah. I'd love to have a daughter. I'd like to have another boy, too, but I'm glad I had a boy first. I think I'm a much more intact woman now than I was nine years ago when I gave birth to Jack. I think I'd be a better mom to a girl now than I would have been then.
Davidson: So are these the best times for you?
Ryan: Oh, right now it's really good. It wasn't really good for about a year there. It was really traumatic and dramatic and awful. But it's good now. I don't feel as crumpled up as I did.
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