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• German authorities quarantine Justin Bieber’s pet monkey: After landing in Munich for a concert, lil pop dude Justin Bieber surrendered his pet capuchin to customs agents because he lacked proper paperwork for the beast (seen left). There’s got to be a Jimmy Fallon sketch in here somewhere.

• Iranian company shoots for world ice cream record: Looking to dethrone Baskin-Robbins’ 8,865-pound tub of ice cream from 2005, Choopan Dairy in Iran has invested over $30,000 into a five-ton vat that could soon make its way into the Guinness Book of World Records. Talk about sore udders, am I right?

• More Americans eating guinea pigs: Who knew? “Middle-class foodies with a taste for exotic delicacies are… ordering, photographing and blogging about guinea pig. The animals — called cuyes in Spanish — are usually cooked whole, often grilled, sometimes deep fried. Many diners eat every last morsel, literally from head to toe,” reports NPR.

• Cops respond to screaming goat: We already know goats are stealing our jobs, but now they’re distracting our police, too. Tennessee’s Herald-Citizen reports that a concerned resident called 911 after hearing screams outside of her home. But things were not as they seemed. “We could hear what appeared to be a man screaming for help in the direction of a residence on Jackson Passage north of Edwards Lane,” Deputy Will Page told the paper. “It was actually coming from a goat that was tied to a fence.” Baah-sted.

• First American Laughter Championship to be held: Participants will reportedly be tested on their ability to perform a “belly laugh, the Alabama knee-slapper, the maniacal laugh and the diabolical laugh.” The goal is to get the audience to laugh with your laugh, thereby forming an infinite loop of guffawing insanity.