13 Funny Jokes for the Holidays | Reader's Digest

13 Funny Jokes for the Holidays

'Tis the season to celebrate funny Christmas, Hanukkah, and holiday moments.

from Reader's Digest
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    1. Into the Church

    Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

    2. Denomination

    A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps. "What denomination?" asks the clerk. The woman says, "Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

    3. Good Lights

    A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. "Great," she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. "I don’t want this box," she said abruptly. "It’s been opened."

    Stop the Presses

    These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.
    • Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
    • Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
    • Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
    • Book Given as Gift Actually Read

    5. Hiding the Presents

    I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered. When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."

    6. Gift Exchange

    My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”

    7. Limited Knowledge

    As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You can’t do that," argued my four-year-old. "Don’t worry. Santa will never know." He shot me a look. "So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?"

    8. Odd Christmas Visit

    From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan."

    9. Quick Cleanup

    Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."

    10. Post Holiday Blues

    A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party. As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: "It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes."

    11. Easy to Forgive

    Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: "No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is."

    12. Waiting for Christmas

    My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, "What time does Jesus get here?"

    13. Christmas Eve Service

    Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"

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    Your Comments

    • Sherman pettigrew

      wind r u going to have jokes sweepstakes

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1395377431 Margie MacFarlane

      Love it! Adorable.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1395377431 Margie MacFarlane

      Adorable. Love it!

    • Mmacfarlane

      Adorable.
       

    • jack Stuart

      All of this is a bunch of Thrash! Who thinks up this nonsense..do they get paid for this??
      jack stuart

      • Jo

        I’m pretty sure “Thrash” isn’t used correctly here.

    • Anonymous

      Here’s a joke you can really dig. 

      You can pick your friends…You can pick your nose…but….You can’t pick your friends nose. 

      • Budro

        How about something a little original and not so old?

    • me

       I told my folks the “Good Lights” one, and they seemed to like it.

    • bobpaladin

      on 95 near boston my favorite was     JESUS saves and ESPO scores on the rebound

    • Pachistima

      Those “jokes” aren’t funny at all.