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13 Things Your Mother-in-Law Won’t Tell You

Build a better relationship with his mother by remembering these things she'd like to say but won't (you hope!)

By Maureen Mackey from from Reader's Digest | May 2009
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1. It hurts to be downsized.

I spent a couple of decades being the leading lady; now I have a character role.  

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2. I know he's your husband now.

But he’s still my son.

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3. You don't seem very confident about yourself.

The littlest comment from me is taken as a criticism, so I’m very careful what I say around you.

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4. A little gratitude wouldn't hurt.

Every year, I send you a birthday present, but you never even pick up the phone to thank me. This year, I said, “That’s it. No more.” Yet look at me: I’m about to send another present. I guess that’s how I am.

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5. I want the best for both of us.

We mothers say to our children, “I want you to be happy.” And we mean that. What we don’t say is, “But I would like to be happy too.”

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6. I know a little something.

I’ve bought and sold 13 houses in my life. Why won’t you ask for my advice?

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7. When I visit you, I'm just coming to see the family.

I’m not coming for a "white-glove inspection.”

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8. I've got his number.

When I really want to talk to my son privately, I don’t call your house. I call his cell phone.

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9. I'm truly appreciative.

I’m so happy that you allow my son—your husband—to visit me on Mother’s Day. It’s a long trip and a big expense.

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10. I have a dirty little secret.

I’m afraid that if I don’t get this right, you’ll cut me off.

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11. I'm in competition with your mother.

She takes you on vacations every year and buys things I can’t afford. All I can do is love you and babysit for you. I hope that’s enough and that it’s appreciated.

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12. I'm lucky to have you!

Whenever I stay at your house, you always have my room ready, my towels, everything. You do all the right things.

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13. You know me well.

I cherish the refrigerator magnet you gave me: “Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.”

Sources: Susan Abel Lieberman, PhD (The Mother-in-Law’s Manual), Jane Angelich (What’s a Mother [in-Law] to Do?), and anonymous mothers-in-law in four states.

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Your Comments

  • http://www.facebook.com/jon.myers.58910 Jon Myers

    “8. I’ve got his number.
    When I really want to talk to my son privately, I don’t call your house. I call his cell phone.”

    And as soon as we’re off the phone I call my wife immediately and tell her EVERYTHING we just discussed!  

    This article applies to mothers who have no relationship with their husband because they married solely for the purpose of reproduction. 

    • Jojo

      And they call the sons cell phone because the wife doesn’t answer the home phone when she knows the mil is calling.

  • Jj

    I’m sorry in what universe is there a mother in-law with these qualities???  Most mother inlaws are stone cold b*tches and near no way of meeting these qualities..

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Louise-McOrmond-Plummer/669021693 Louise McOrmond Plummer

      Wow! Most mother in laws?  What a blanket generalization.

      • missy753

        Yup I’ve been married twice & both MILs actually compete/d with me for their son. My current marriage is my husbands third. I have no intention of letting him get to a fourth. I love him, but our marriage comes first! The closer I get to becoming a MIL the less I understand these women. This isn’t love. I think it’s evil, these selfish self-absorbed MIKs are interfering with Gods plan. They’re miserable people. I think this ‘greatest generation’ are a bunch of spoiled brats.

    • http://www.facebook.com/skyebellematilda.brand Skye Belle Matilda Brand

      My MIL is awesome! I’m blessed with a wonderful mother & an equally amazing MIL! I love & respect both of them. I hope that neither of them have things that they want to say but don’t because I hope we have an open enough relationship to speak their mind!

  • Mobile

    I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I am polite to my in-laws and they treat me like their own son. The system seems to work pretty well.

    • Shala

      keyword is SON. This happens to women the most and the husbands leave her to fend for herself.

  • Jemma_dee

    Gee – when my in-laws visited the first thing out of their mouths was “Why didn’t you wash your windows?”  Then they would come out of the bathroom saying that they found mold under the bath mat!  We called my mil the shark, pit bull, vampire.  Thank goodness I don’t ever have to deal with anyone in that family again since the divorce.

    • Anonymous

       the reality is if your MIL doesn’t like you your marriage will be in court! 

      • Katheryn Glines

        So True! It’s happening to me! My in-laws are mad because my husband told them to STAY OUT OF OUR MARRIAGE. I mean, I married HIM, not his parents. Since my husband is a honorable man, now I am the bad guy in his family’s eyes… and it’s basically ruined our marriage…for good. :(

      • missy753

        Nope in good marriage the MIL will be gone!

  • mg

    Ha, ha! Some person from la la land wrote this! Get real!

  • Anonymous

    # 1 & 2 – Are you trying to give your son an Oedipus complex?
    #3, 4, 5 – I always send thank you notes for gifts, but otherwise, you’re being petty
    # 6 – Um…..what do you think my mom is for?
    # 7 – liar, everyone checks out everyone else’s houses
    # 8 – Um…..ok?
    # 10 – Unless you’re doing something truly heinous, I’m not going to cut you off, and it’s your son’s job to talk to you about any incidents
    # 11 – I will always pick my mom (all parties being reasonable).

  • Stephie

    I have the BEST MIL possible.  She treats me like she treats her own daughters and even if she and I don’t agree on something…. she still likes/loves me.  She’s exceptional because she makes me feel loved and welcome in her family.  

    • chomps

      I wish that was the case here

    • http://www.facebook.com/jennithebaker Jennifer Good

      I feel really bad for these commenters who have bad relationships with their in-laws, it must be really miserable! I talk to my mother in law more than my husband does some weeks! I know it’s nuts for me to comment 8 months after this post ,but I couldn’t resist.

  • gcallah

    This is idiotic.

  • Re-Re Smith

    wow.  really touching!  When you are blessed to have a husband, then doubly blessed to love his mother too…you are TRULY blessed.  Everyone needs love.

  • Wynnster

    They obviously never met my monster-in-law. I should have known what I was into when she wouldn’t speak to any of us the day of the wedding.

    • Wynnster

      Admittedly, that is better than she’s acted the rest of our marriage.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FGD2PRE5YMZWHGEKWLOBUF2OUE DrewD

    “She takes you on vacations every year and buys things I can’t afford.
    All I can do is love you and babysit for you. I hope that’s enough and
    that it’s appreciated.”

    Unless you are having sex with your mother then your wife certainly is doing quite a bit more than being a babysitter. Some women are way too concerned with a guys relationship with their moms.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FGD2PRE5YMZWHGEKWLOBUF2OUE DrewD

    “She takes you on vacations every year and buys things I can’t afford.
    All I can do is love you and babysit for you. I hope that’s enough and
    that it’s appreciated.”

    Unless you are having sex with your mother then your wife certainly is doing quite a bit more than being a babysitter. Some women are way too concerned with a guys relationship with their moms.

    • Myrtlebrwn

      I think this one means that the son’s mother feels lie she’s in competition with the daughter inlaw’s mother.

      • Myrtlebrwn

        *like

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6ZUYT5QBTNSCYF4VO346R4QBRM jenvan

    “I’m so happy that you allow my son—your husband—to visit me on Mother’s Day. It’s a long trip and a big expense.”  Yikes. “Allow”????  This isn’t a MIL problem, this is a DIL/wife problem, if husband needs her PERMISSION to do things.

    I had the most wonderful MIL ever – my marriage ended 7 years ago, but she’s still one of my best friends. I adore her, always have, FIL and SIL, too. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/mrkeithrichard Keith Richard

    WTF?  This just felt creepy…….ewww

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/GOZXDMFB5NNNBSKYLETMDF4HZ4 Kitty

     This is seriously about women who have problems with the depth of relationship they have with their son. Reminds me of my ex-fiance’s mother. My ex-fiance admitted to me that his mother did her best to drive away his girlfriends, and she’d actually managed to get him to move back in with her (in his 30′s) and help pay her bills. When he met me and moved out of her place, she made it a point to try to be in constant communication with him, wanting to text and email and call day and night, wanting him to drive 100 miles out of his way to visit her, insisting that he not tell me beforehand and leave me behind almost every single time. When we split up — which was partly due to him wanting me to be at home all the time, getting upset if I walked to the store or the library by myself, not allowing me access to any money whatsoever even though he’d repeatedly promise an allowance, and being in control of me in every way he could; and partly due to his mother coming to see him at work and telling him to split up with me — he apologized profusely for letting his mother walk all over him (and for some of the other stuff). But since he’s known only an abusive father and a domineering wreck of a mother (she used to tell him frequently “I’m your mother, I can do whatever I want” in order to get her way), he pretty much had (and has) no chance of maintaining a healthy relationship with a girlfriend or wife. She won’t let him. After we split up, she moved to be closer to him (even though he’d specifically move far away from her to get away). And then she made him add her to his cellphone plan. That’s not apron-strings, that’s an apron NOOSE.

    • Sarah

      You said it, EX fiance. . .don’t blame you, there.

  • paul

    my mother in law is a f***ing b*tch, she confronted me and wants me to leave her daughter and my son just so they could be together again as a happy family without my wife knowing it and i cant tell her coz i still have respect for them, how about my family? should i just k*ll the b*tch?

    • http://profile.yahoo.com/6VDSW25FGHJHXLJAPPX4W5PXUM Nute

       Um, you need to tell her. That is awful.

      • Jojo

        Yeah.

  • penelope

    This is self-serving, self-centered, manipulative nonsense. If a mother in law says any of these things-smile, nod, and shut the door behind them with an grateful sigh. Be a better mother to your kids-no explanations necessary.

    • Jojo

      I think the article says “she doesn’t say it” she thinks it

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Daisy-Snow/100003030634261 Daisy Snow

    #5 I want to be happy too? Be happy then, don’t play a victim. If your son gets married, he gets married. His wife is the most important person and vice a versa. Just like in your life your family was the most important thing to you and you were the most important to them. This is a stupid list. Both the daughter in law and mother in law should be accepting and loving but the mother in law has a greater role because it is her family. My husband and I are best friends, we tell each other everything. He loves his mother and I am so lucky she is loving and caring to me too so its easy for me to love her. I don’t call her everyday because I am just terrible talking over the phone. However people think I am her daughter and her son is her in law. But as much as I love my MIL, my husband gave me confidence because he supported me more than anyone. If there were more husbands like him there might be more MIL’s like his mother. 

    • chomps

      Thankfully, my husband is similar to yours, but his mother has narcissistic personality disorder, so neither of us ever stood a chance

  • SIL

    10 things ar MIL needs to know.
    1. Its not all about you any more, and yes you are simple a character actor in my family.
    2. You had your family, I have mine.  You are welcome to be included, but you are a guest.
    3. Those thinly veiled sarcastic comments – they are criticism.
    4. When you arrive and start cleaning or rearranging – that is a white glove inspection.
    5. Most of the time he doesn’t actually want to talk to you privately.
    6. Your cooking and parenting was not as good as you recall it to be.
    7. Thank you for the kind gift.  But it was a gift, something done on your own volition, not a consideration for a promissory note.
    8. You may know things, and for advise you are knowledgeable of, we appreciate it.  But don’t give advice on marriage if you are divorced, on saving if you are a debtor, on owning a business if you’ve never owned one.
    9. My family is not your vicarious life – it is my real one.
    10. Sometimes our dreams, goals, aspirations, and appreciations will not match yours.

    • http://profile.yahoo.com/6VDSW25FGHJHXLJAPPX4W5PXUM Nute

       My mother in law even admitted she was going to start acting like Doris Roberts on Raymond. That was when I gave up – I believe it was due to us not letting her get away with everything you mentioned – of course she thought we were “too sensitive” every time we confronted her.

      By the time I became tough enough to deal with her properly I was divorced.

      • Sarah

        Doris would be a dream for me.

    • Jenna

      WSell said!! I would loooove to have my MIL read these!

    • bman7

      AMEN! Right on target!

    • Rainy

      That’s hilarious

    • Sarah

      AMEN!

  • MIL=PIA

    This is such a crock!!!

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/6VDSW25FGHJHXLJAPPX4W5PXUM Nute

    #1 I think we all know you feel that way especially if you are the mother of a son.

  • Guest

    I’m glad my mother-in-law does not say anything bad to me. She’s deaf and mute since birth. LOL

  • Erin Bernard

    This article is a hideous representation of what a mother-in-law “really” is. What I read here was 13 issues that a passive-aggressive woman with low self-esteem has, who clearly has a bad relationship with her son as well as her daughter-in-law.

  • Possum

    Oh I love how all of these items portral the MIL as the angel.  I am the one who send b’day, anniversary and Mothers day cards and presents every year and never received a single one in return (and we got married on her B’day) We do endure white glove treatment when they visit.  I set up our lovely guest room for them and prepare meals for them but she doesnt even pretend to be grateful or to be interested in even talking to me.  This areticle is painfully biased.  If I had a MIL like that I would be ecstatic, and I am happy for those who do, but you are living in a dream world if you think your idealized MIL is the norm.  

  • guest

    Despite helping our son & wife w/ bills and giving them nice gifts, never have gotten even a thank you of any sorts.  So this year— that is it.  No more.  They don’t care to acknowledge us, same can go for them.

  • Anna

    This is just a mother-in-law being passive aggressive. Thanks for reminding me why I can’t stand my own.

  • blomdemom

    #7 is a crook, my mother in law comes in and looks at everything. And it gets around to the family how it looks, how much dust there was, etc.

  • lizzy

    Dear friends you all know that is not easy to leave a relationship of about 5years and forget it and all the feelings that you both have for each other. That was my problem that i was having for the past 1month now i was really feeling sick and wanted to take my life but thanks be to ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com who help me with a reunite spell for me and my ex husband and now i feel so happy that we are both back again and living happily more than ever before thank you doctor ekaka.

  • http://www.facebook.com/aly.eastmure Aly Eastmure

    what a load of BS.

  • bman7

    ALL in-laws need to realize…BUTT OUT. When a son or daughter gets married, they are part of a new family now – their own. They are not your baby anymore. Their family comes first, and it shoud.

  • catmama

    Absurd.

  • catmama

    This is passive-aggressive nonsense from a deeply insecure, narcissistic woman. My MIL is way too passive-agressive to say any of this out loud, but I can definitely imagine her thinking them.

    Mothers of adult sons (my MIL included) need to accept the fact that they are absolutely NOT the center of their sons lives. It’s sick that these women choose to put their own selfish desires above their son’s happiness.

  • Jen

    I don’t know what to do my mil treats my kids so different then the others. At christmas the other kids are spoiled and not mine and she see my kid cry and laughs. Then she doesn’t come to see them so I stopped calling been a month. She always treated my husband different going up like he was unwanted and know trying to do it to my kids.. I don’t know what to do , should I not even go thier for holidays , I don’t think she would miss us she doesn’t even care.

  • http://www.facebook.com/luckyponytoo Elizabeth McBride-Lilleg

    My relationship with my mother-in-law can be trying at times, and it’s like that naturally, I think. Not everything in the list applies to us, and some are flipped the other way around. I think as a daughter-in-law, the important thing to remember is that a m-i-l’s greatest fear is that you will take her son away from her. This is a primal fear all mothers have, and it has the potential to cross all lines of reason, logic, and sanity. On the other hand, as wives, we live with the fear that our husbands will resent our expectations for them to be responsible adults and go back to Mom who will serve them cookies and milk while they lay on the couch and play video games!

    • http://www.facebook.com/luckyponytoo Elizabeth McBride-Lilleg

      Wow…I really necroed this…sorry!

  • RND

    This article is clearly written by a mother-in-law who has a bad relationship with her daughter-in-law and a serious insecurity about losing her son, so she wants to play a victim in this relationship. This kind of passive criticism on the daughter-in-law – so typical of mils! Mine does it all the time!

  • Diotima

    Wow. Passive-aggressive much?

  • Jojo

    Poopoo all you want but these are mild and tame compared to what most mils think.

  • i wish

    I only wish my MIL was this passive aggressive, instead I have her living with me and interfering in every aspect of our lives and my husband nurtures her disfunction.

  • Sarah

    Well, number 13 fit my situation, but that was the only one. . .Nope, folks, there really are mother in laws who are wretched, writhing worms.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jennithebaker Jennifer Good

    I’m really, really lucky to get along so well with my mother-in-law. I’ve been married just under a year but been with him for 7. I really love his family and his mother and I feel so grateful for such a great relationship with them all.

  • missy753

    This is an incredibly selfish, self-absorbed mentally disturbed MIL. Your kids are not your possessions. You should be happy for them when they are happy, productive and not living in the basement. My children at 27, 25, & 19. This is sick. Really RD? These women need help & should be ignored if not cut out. Marriage is hard enough without giving his mother this sort if importance.

  • missy753

    My MIL shows no gratitude but expects it and its never enough, didn’t call/send a card when my dad died, doesn’t return phone calls but expects her calls returned, thinks we should spend all our disposable income visiting her 1,000 miles away, treats me like the hired help, and makes no effort at having a warm loving relationship with me. I have bent over backwards trying. She is very hurtful and appears to be trying to break us up (when I told her it was our 10 year anniversery all she could muster was an I know- what mother wouldn’t be ecstatic after 2 failed marriages?). I am convinced that she is trying to break us up because she lost her own husband after 59 years and thinks if she gets rid of me her son will take care of her. Her son (really me) would be more apt to take care of her if he remains married; however, I am not going let her treat me like dirt or break us up

  • natalie

    “Just wanted to update you on the results of the spell you cast for me. It seems to be working. I will know more in a couple more weeks, but things are definitely moving. Keeping my hopes up on you dr.gboco. Email: gbocotemple@yahoo.com my husband keep on calling me now and have also come to apologize to me according to the way you said it was going to be thank you so much Dr Gboco.