15 Top Jokes of 2011

from Reader's Digest

1. Twitter Addiction

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …” -- Christine Schrum

2. Not so Helpful

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.” “A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?” “Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?” --Christine Quinn

3. Is the Client Always Right?

A graphic designer on the phone with his client. Designer: Hi. I’m just updating the copy for your form and was wondering if you meant to say “programs” for the third question. Client: No! What I sent along was completely accurate. Just copy it over exactly as it says. I’ll explain it nice and slowly for you. Designer: “Please indicate which pogroms you’ve attended”? Client: Yeah, that should be programs.

4. Relaxing Location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.” -- Carol Beach

5. A Glitch

After an enthusiastic recommendation from my wife, I began listening to the audiobook version of Frank McCourt’s Teacher Man. “I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed,” I complained. “He refers to characters I don’t know and introduces them a half hour later.” My wife was as confused as I was, but I soldiered on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn’t until the end of the book that my dilemma was explained—I had set the iPod to Shuffle. -- Norm Sunshine

6. Serious Infection

My helicopter crew landed on a frigate in order to evacuate a sick sailor who, we later learned, was suffering from a skin infection called cellulitis. When we arrived, we asked a crewman what was wrong. Pointing to the stricken sailor, he said, “She has cellulite.”

7. The Right Diagnosis

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

8. Lost Dog

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies. -- Denise Stewart

9. Water

My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. “Excuse me,” said the woman, pointing to a pond. “What is that water made out of?” Bemused, my friend replied, “Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.” “See?” she said to her boyfriend. “I told you it wasn’t real.” -- Amelia Wines

10. In Memoriam

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.” -- Thomas Buoye

11. Painfully Funny Obituaries

You’d die of embarrassment if these phrases appeared in your obituary: “She leaves behind a brother and 117 cats.” “Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 40 million times on YouTube.” “Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.” “Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.” from topfive.com

12. First Draft

I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?" "What letters?" I answered slyly. "Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test." --Robert Duprey

13. A Believer

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face … -- Adam Joshua

14. A Quiet Group

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet. -- - Comic Craig Sharf

15. For the Mrs.

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. “Your wife must like rolls,” he said. “How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked. “Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.” -- Richard Silberlust

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