13+ Things Your Mall Santa Won’t Tell You

View as Slideshow

1. Some of us get bonuses for making our daily photo quota.

ISTOCK/adamkaz

So please forgive me if I try to move things along.

2. Never force your screaming kid onto my lap.

istock/Claus Mikosch

Just bring him close and give me a few minutes.

3. Want to have more than just a few seconds with me?


istock/webphotographeer

Skip the mall. Let’s meet at your kid’s preschool or a photo studio that invites Santa in for special portraits.

Content continues below ad

4. I make around $10,000 a season doing this, but cut me some slack.

istock/Oleg Prikhodko

Between October and December, most of us work about forty 10-hour days and listen to 30,000 children.

5. Wondering why both of my white-gloved hands are always where you can see them?

istock/baona

Ask my lawyer.

6. I’m sorry Grandma is in heaven or that Mom and Dad have split up.

istock/shironosov

But even Santa can only do so much, so let’s just stick with what you’d like to unwrap on the big day.

Content continues below ad

7. As a matter of fact, I did go to school for this.

istock/serguacom

Topics of study: how to hold children, manage sticky conversations, and care for my hair and beard.

8. I don’t have total recall.

istock/gpointstudio

Don’t come back after a few minutes and ask what your kid requested. Stand close enough to listen.

9. Those of us with real beards think we’re superior.

istock/shironosov

But the best of the rest of us pay as much as $3,000 to wig makers to make us authentic-looking whiskers.

Content continues below ad

10. I see you vigorously nodding your head,

istock/Renphoto

but even so, I will never, ever promise anything to a child.

11. Boys tend to give it to you straight.

istock/Kativ

Little girls want to explain everything.

12. Is Santa real?

istock/Avid Creative, Inc.

"Well," I reply, pinching myself and grimacing, "I feel real."

Content continues below ad

13.
 I’ve been kicked in the shins, hit in the groin, scratched, bitten, and peed on.

istock/ArtMarie

But there’s a reason I keep doing this year after year: This is the best work I’ve ever found.

14. I’m not an orthodontist, either.

istock/binabina

Don’t ask me to tell your child why she needs to stop sucking her thumb.

15. Nobody’s facial hair curls like this naturally.”

istock/Lusoimages

That’s why they invented curling irons and got2b Glued Styling Spiking Glue.

Content continues below ad

16. You’re ruining the fun.

istock/evgenyatamanenko

I’ve noticed a lot of you have started telling your kids the truth about me a lot younger than you used to. Sometimes you spoil things before your child even asks the question, just because you’re worried he’ll hear it from someone else. Please stop.

17. Shhhhh, don’t tell…

istock/arinahabich

But a few of us are Jewish.      

18. Santa’s family almost never gets to spend the holiday with him on Dec. 25.

istock/franckreporter

Most of us schedule a delayed celebration for early January.      

Content continues below ad

19. Being Santa can be…complicated.

istock/svetikd

When my daughter was in grade school, the teacher requested a conference to discuss some issues: “She’s under the firm belief that you are Santa Claus.”      

20. I’m not a puppy.

istock/STidwell

So please don’t pet me like one.    

21. Very few of us do this full time.

istock/anandaBGD

We’re truck drivers and salesmen, engineers and schoolteachers. Lots of us are retired.    

Content continues below ad

22. It’s hard not to sweat in our heavy wool suits.

istock/nu1983

To make sure we smell nice, some of us sprinkle baby powder in our beards; others use evergreen-scented colognes and sprays. And we’re always sucking on breath mints.    

23. Think your child’s request is over-the-top?

istock/HadelProductions

I’ve been asked for giraffes, pigs, and elephants, for visits from Hannah Montana and Elmo, even for a cookbook for mom because she’s not a good cook.      

24. Speaking of good hygiene…

istock/Reptile8488

Please take your barely potty-trained two-year-old to the restroom before you get in line. Soil my suit, and it’s coal for you, buster.    

Content continues below ad

25. I love the kids, but my favorites are the little old ladies in nursing homes.

istock/Squaredpixels

When they sit on my lap (which they love to do!), they turn into kids themselves, and their favorite Christmas memories come pouring out.


Become more interesting every week!

Get our Read Up newsletter

how we use your e-mail
We will use your email address to send you this newsletter. For more information please read our privacy policy.

Funny Jokes
Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane. Dennis Miller
Funny Jokes
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.” Kevin Nealon
Funny Jokes
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram @kristencarney
Funny Jokes
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water. Comedian Greg Davies
Funny Jokes
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous. @sixthformpoet
Funny Jokes
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral. From clientsfromhell.net
Funny Jokes
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.” @NicCageMatch
Funny Jokes
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol @yoyoha (Josh Hara)
Funny Jokes
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. —Jerry Seinfeld
Funny Jokes
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A: A mechanic.